Could I have some feedback on my writing?

Question

For a writing class I have to write an introductory paragraph of a story. What do you think? Do you have any constructive criticism? Thanks.

Hazy moonlight filtered through the manicured canopies of lotus trees, dispersing a fragmented light across the surrounding palace gardens. The pungent aroma of ripe pomegranates satiated the idle, evening air. It was suffocating, disorienting, and intoxicating; its narcotic effect induced a state of restless sedation. Serpentine pathways meandered in and out of the lush fernery, winding and twisting, then slipping into the abysmal shadows of distant trees. Florid displays of orchids were artfully arranged throughout the landscape, their stimulating iridescence was worthy of admiration. Yet, they seemed to have an affected brilliance as if they were given to exhibitionism. Their flashiness, however, was in vain for more glaring sprays of yellow hyacinths easily subdued them.

Answer 1

i did a piece thike this once for class and the nature of the assignment was visulazation i think this would be persfect for that. but i must say it was a little hard to read. the big words kinda muddled together and it became mundane. use less of the phrases like stimulating irridecence or atleast spread them wider apart.

Answer 2

Your language is beautiful and a bit ripe and intoxicating. So, I'm just going to mention what doesn't work for me. I don't understand the concept of "restless sedation". Serpentine and winding and twisting are almost redundant. It's a bit of overkill. The floral competitoin should not be "in vain". Perhaps the orchids were a bit muted by the glaring hyacinths. Hyacinths smell strongly, by the way. Their perfume is so sweet it is almost rotten.
Anyway, good leading paragraph. What are you leading up to? There should be contrast somewhere. Are we about to meet calm, clear-headed modest women, self-possessed businessmen or a monster?

Answer 3

It's good, but a little wordy. Try to alternate some of the longer sentences with shorter ones.

Also, the last sentence seems out of place. Try something like "Their flashiness could only be outstaged by the glaring sprays of yellow hyacinth below them."

And make sure your adjectives aren't just there as filler. I wouldn't really describe pomegranite as "pungent."

You mention this is taking place in "palace gardens" but can you be more specific? Perhaps this is just a nook, a small part of the garden, or are we seeing the entire expanse?

Answer 4

Very nice, good imagery, well written, and well proofread (no period after "admiration" and before "yet", "Yet...is a clause, not a sentence). Do you want to start the story with anything other than an opening paragraph with imagery describing the locale? If not, then it's very polished and paints the reader an excellent picture.

And in response to the posts about too many big words, ignore that, you're not using pompous diction. The educated reader that enjoys complex sentence structure and powerful words will take to it and respect it (those people, however, are few and far between).

Answer 5

I thought that it was beautifully written, although I am reminded of an english teacher in highschool who warned us about using too many adjectives to describe a scene. Sometimes, it can take away from a well written piece but I like it.

I love the way you balanced the sentences like "Their flashiness, however, was in vain for more glaring sprays of hyacinths easily subdued them."

Good work, I really wouldn't change anything

Answer 6

You're off to a good start. Let me suggest this to help improve your writing though: in "a River Runs Through It" there is a great scene where the minister father of the main character is subjecting the boy to a writing exercise; each time the boy returns to his father's desk with his work, the father goes over his writing with a red pen, hands the paper back, and intones "Again, half as long"; this happens again and again; finally the father reviews the paper (it's error free now), hands it back, and tells the boy "Good. Now throw it away."

Now, for this? Again, half as long.

Answer 7

Good start! Now I think you need to trim it down to its essential elements. The language is too flowery (literally) and repetitive. It also doesn't begin to hint at what your story will be about, which I think is essential in an introductory paragraph.

It's brave and constructive of you to ask for criticism like this. I wrote an article about how to help you accept notes if you want to check it out....

Answer 8

STOP using five dollar words just to impress. You seem to have gone through a thesaurus and found every BIG word you could, then stuck it in here. And why would shadows be, as you put it, "abysmal?" I think you need to figure out what you are talking about because it isn't clear at all. REWRITE and leave the five dollar words out. Speak to the common reader, and don't use the hoity toity language you seem fond of.

Answer 9

In the part "suffocating, disorienting, and intoxicating", you might want to only use two of the words--it flows better. It's beautiful! You have a great vocabulary, and I love the picture it paints in my mind. It's GREAT!!! Good luck!

Answer 10

THEIR eyes met around the room and THEIR concept MELTED right into a MOLTEN, swirling puddle of incomprhension. (Repetitiveness, and Melted and molten are synonyms). colours mixed mutually and the very own, maximum virbant crimson---with intensities resmbling the organic, deep blush of existence in one's cheeks---switched over right into a mild, icy blue refracted from the blackest corners of the room. (Sentence shape) An intimate, passionate longing exceeded between them, barreling via the merging passerby like melted butter. (How does melted butter barrel via somebody - perchance area of the metaphor is lacking, and additionally, attempt to keep away from adjectives as much as conceivable - it distracts from the action) Their hands tingled with the unhappy yearning to gently brush the different's cheek or gently caress their hair. hundreds of techniques of gentle kisses, of drowsing mutually in innocence and not something extra, inspired upon their minds and crushed their senses, evaporating the present fact that threatened to invade. Locked in a reverie of days previous and candy aims yet to return, the ever judgemental public eye diminished into nonexistence. Etiquette meant not something to them now. ok - my opinion is you could desire to circulate lower back and X out a variety of of the adjectives. the two enable or not that's "An intimate longing...." or "A passionate longing..." The sentence shape is perplexing additionally. sturdy success on your rewrites.