Can you guys please help with this poem?

Question

I wrote a much longer poem than this but it wasnt that good. The original poem is very special to me and I am trying to salvage the "good" parts into smaller poems for sentimental reasons. I know this is unethical of a poet to ask for help but I've pondered over this for 2 weeks but I can't think of anything. Please help.

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Only you can show me a proper crescent moon,
A white rose in the intensity of full bloom.
The smile, that smile of yours,
Could even make the Heavens swoon.

I’ve seen all the stars the night can muster,
But none that match your eyes’ luster.
For beauty isn’t always in the eyes of the beholder,
Sometimes, it lies in the eyes of the beheld.

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Each ">" mean a line of poetry I haven't written. The poem should rhyme BUT there's isn't a pattern. Obviously, the first stanza should start it nicely and the last should end it nicely but still follow the theme. Yeah, this is a love poem so go deep. Really deep.

If you can't offer me lines at least you can give me metaphors. i.e. Shiny lips = A thousand perals laced in scarlet sand

I'm sorry, I posted in the wrong section. I am truely sorry.

Answer 1

I think you have writer's block because the poem is really finished. A writer will always have more to say but brevity is beautiful and allows the reader to drift off into their own elaborations without having everything spelled out. For rhythm & imagery, however, I would change a few words. Proper is a little crisp in the first line and maybe "slender" or "glowing" would be better. The third line I would change to "Your sweet smile and yours alone," I would cut out the "the" in front of stars, change "But" to "Yet" in the second line of the second verse and add "deep" before luster. That's it--just a few little tweaks and you've got a winner that would be tucked into any girl's secret diary for years, if not forever. Good luck, Romeo...

Answer 2

Why not take what you've already got and hone it in a little? Pay some attention to making your lines flow smoothly, and don't be shackled by rhyme, but make it work for you.

Only you can show me a proper moon,
A white rose in the youth of bloom.
Your smile, when you look up at me
Could make the Heavens swoon.

Not all the stars the night can show
Can match the luster of your eyes--
Your beauty in both my sight beheld
And in yours, beholden lies.

Add a couple of stanzas along the same lines, keeping to your motif of night, stars, eyes, heavens, etc. She will think she is the luckiest girl alive!

Answer 3

it truly is basically a poem with end-of-line rhyming. for my section, i'd to that end ignore doing a sonnet, yet it truly is as a lot as you. Your attempt is of route a serious ingredient on your tale and does choose ending artwork. you would possibly want to properly be unaware, yet it truly is really a lot appears like a poem from a woman really than from a male. Any male might want to be maximum not likely to intend to make himself seem wimpy, fairly to the girl he desires to electrify, not likely to assert 'My knees began to weaken so I lean' (the weakening feeling in the knees, even as it takes position, might want to be a evolutionary trait geared for lady reaction to a selected mate). A male in love might want to educate extra activity, extra prompt urgency, maleness. activity is activity, it has flame and urgency. As you would possibly want to study animal behaviour in the wild, understand the nature of the beast. men make distinct alternatives from women folk, they arrive from an fullyyt distinct international of questioning - it truly is why everlasting or lengthy time period relationships between the sexes are so puzzling to attain. for instance, I, as an insignificant male, might want to apply ideal right here words and construct them right into a poem: Your smile is the most eye-catching I actually have considered; Your wild eyes are the sky after a lengthy hurricane. Come to me and on my shoulder lean, at the same time, the previous is lengthy gone, at the same time we are reborn. i opt for your face to glow, you to placed on my ring, For you're the sweetness and that i the beholder. taking into consideration you i'm getting emotional and sing, growing Tall once you head's on my shoulder. From no different do you should favor to invite for love, Even from that different who you recognize now to not boot as I. Our hearts bonded, are a activity, are also a dove. we are the hurricane and the silence, without sturdy-bye. you're the affection i can't stay without; you're my clean rain even as my existence is a drought. experience your characters. i wish that I actually were of a few help All my concepts are All Yours. perfect desires, storyteller.

Answer 4

hmm... Soryy I can't think of anything.

try going to allpoetry.com or writing.com. the people there have great ideas!

Answer 5

a dream come true
as i was looking for you