I'm working on my five paragraph essay and this paragraph seemed really bazar! I'm only in the seventh grade so I barely know how to write an essay. It's on Leadership. It goes like this:
Leadership shows your attitude even when it doesn't seem like you are doing anything. Your attitude is your whole personality by your sense of style. There are so many options when choosing an outfit that you can create a whole new style! You can even start a new trend. Many other characterisitcs make up you attitude.
See? I usually write better than this but I don't know what happened. What would be some good things to talk about in this paragraph? How can I stay on topic? This paragraph is about your attitude and how leadership and your attitude are connected.
2007-01-18 11:35:04 · 5 answers · asked by ♥Whatever♥ 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Yea, I hear you. The paragraph isn't smooth and it seems too opinionated for a formal essay. Use some transitions and vary the sentence structure -
Leadership is an ability which results from a pure and genuine personality and attitude, but every personality will not support a strong and effective leader. Some leaders come from a background which emphasize character and virtues in conjunction with discipline so as to intuitively gather support from the masses. Other leaders are born from their ability to suddenly attract large numbers of people due to the leader's intensity and desire to succeed. No matter what though, all leaders believe in what they strive for and know that it takes an over the top effort to organize and implement others and their talents.
Also, because this is an intro, don't start talking about other interests in attitude and style. You'll just go onto a huge tangent which won't help a bit.
2007-01-18 11:48:04 · answer #1 · answered by Mikey C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're doing fine. Try again if you don't think your idea is coming across. Make sure the first sentence is your main idea for that paragraph, and make it really clear. Try to vary your use of language: right now, you've used the word "attitude" three times in your paragraph. Get the thesaurus out and see if you can find some other ways to say that--perspective, way, aura, persona, point of view--those are just some related ways to express that concept. A few of your phrases feel vague to me as a reader: seem like you are doing anything, whole personality, so many options. Those words make me think you are opening up big topics, but then you don't go anywhere with them. Make a short list of ways that leadership is expressed without words. That might be good place to start on making your paragraph stronger.
I hope that helps a little.
2007-01-18 19:51:06 · answer #2 · answered by marshwiggle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's kinda went out of topic after the topic sentence, but I'm not really sure if leadership portrays your attitude, and it's more of taking responsibility so you can talk about what it takes to be a leader
2007-01-18 21:23:25 · answer #3 · answered by Banana Hero [sic] 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WAY off topic. You need to talk about how your attitude can effect your leadership skills. Also, try not to be so redundant. Substitute words you use again and again for new ones. Use a thesaurus. Don't talk about style, talk about how leadership and attitude are DIRECTLY related. Hope that helps!
2007-01-18 19:45:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sort of went off topic when you started talking about clothes. I would recommend giving a literary example, such as Odysseus.
2007-01-18 19:44:31 · answer #5 · answered by Eric 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋