What to do? I have been married almost 11 years. Wife and I have different opinons about sex.?

Question

I used to want sex all the time, she didnt. That took a huge toll on our relationship. I would ask her all the time if we could have sex, i got ansers: if you want to we can. Do you know what that does to a man? and his ego? it destroys it! When we got married, she was very thin, petite, now shes gained alot of weight. not very attractive to me. She said she tried to lose it, yet i never see her excercise. Anyway after years of that, lack of communication, and other things.. we seperated. i dated a woman i knew, and things eventually my wife and i tried to work it out. Went to a marriage conference, i felt good about things, She said she would change, try to be more attentive, loose weight,etc. I agreed to change also ( i had some issues to work on as well) I feel i changed, and followed through with the agreement. years later, were right back to where we were.... She still hasnt lost weight, shes gained more, and we never have sex/romance.

Where do i go from here? Please help!!!

All her friends like sex, yet she doesnt... what am i doing wrong? Why doesnt she like sex? Why wont she loose the weight? Im sooo frustrated. and dont know what to do.
Please help me

Well obviously i want her to lose weight not just for the looks... health would be a big deal too. I want her around for a long time. I know i said for better or worse, yet we have been through so much. After the seperation we got counseling..we made agreements with each other, that we would BOTH change... i followed my end of the bargain. I have encouraged her to loose weight, but if i do more, i think she ill think that i feel she is fat. I am not going to call her fat.
As far as intamacy... i have tried and tried
i told her EXACTLY how ifelt for years and continue too. Still same outcome...i just feel so hopeless. I do love her...

Answer 1

When u married her u promised to love her for better or worse and obviously this is the worsr for her. Honestly u need to look at her point of view. Usually women gain weight because of stress or lack of self asteem. Maybe u should find out if for some reason she feels depressed or maybe she feels like u dont love her anymore or dont find her attractive and that will make her self asteem go way down and no matter if she tries 2 lose weight or not she will not be able to. U really need 2 be there for her. Tell her shes beautiful (even if u dont believe it) be romantic (not sayin just for sex). buy her flowers for no reason. Kiss her just because. HJold her and tell her u love her no matter what. Let her know u r there for her and boost her confidence. She needs to want to lose the weight for herself and not because she thinks that will make u happy because it will never work. When she knows (or thinks) that u love her and still find her attractive and will stick by her then she will be able to lose the weight. Maybe u could try jaioning a gym together and always go together to show ur support....

About the sex she feels unattractive to u and everyone so she doesnt feel like having sex. She feels like because she is not attractive to u that if she has sex with u, u will not like it and think its nasty or something and that will make her feel even worse. Be patient with her and help her. Dont pressure her to lose weight or have sex and it will eventually happen....

Answer 2

First of all why do you think its you?? Maybe she knows that she is over weight and it bugs her to the point that she doesn't want you to see her.. On the other hand, you are only human.You need things too. After all you 2 have been through, I would say be honest, tell her your needs. If she can't give in to your needs, then do what you need to.Sex isn't the MOST important but if it is making you feel like you are doing something wrong then it is an issue.She doesn't realize how lucky she is to have a man who still wants her after gaining weight and her knowing that it bugs you.. Just talk and talk and talk some more.. Good Luck..

Answer 3

You sound like you love your wife very much. Try doing more romantic things for her. When the kids go to sleep try running a nice bubble bath for her let her relax. Afterward give her a full body massage. Try different things like this, I am not saying she will give "it" up every time. As for you "needing" it 2/3 times a week I don't think so. Think about her out in the job field she is tired and probably sex is the last thing on her mind. I'm not saying that a stay at home Dad isn't tired either. I am a stay at home mom I know how the day goes. At the end of the day we want to have grown up conversations and actions. But hey, a hug a kiss from my man suites me just fine.

Answer 4

First of all (and this has nothing really to do with your marriage), please learn correct English. Otherwise, it's difficult to take your problem seriously.

The word "loose" means "not tight." For example, my pants are loose in the waist since I lost weight.

"Lose" means means to misplace or to be without something.

I seem like a jerk so far, right? Well, so do you. You should just re-read what you just wrote about your wife. If you critique yourself as objectively as possible, I think you'll see that you are being inconsiderate. Does your wife have insecurities that you should be more sensitive about? If so, you should try to help her be more confident so she can lose the weight and be happy. You, in turn, will be happier too. If you have tried this and it hasn't worked, then you might have a bigger problem because ultimately, her insecurities are her own problem. But you should first try and be a little more sensitive to the potential reasons for these types of marital problems.

Answer 5

first of all...you two are married. so the 'laws' of singles and of single life no longer apply to you. anything goes (from toys to role playing). second...exercise with her. if she says no then start off with dinner then walking afterwards. she probably has low self esteem within herself so that in intself will cause her sex drive to go down. she doesn't find herself attractive anymore. encourage to exercise with her. gym together, or exercise tapes...walking several times a week. just make sure that you exercise with her. an exercise partner is better than none at all. and do eating plans with her also (even though you may not be together). constantly communicate about healthy things together with her. have a water drinking contest. remember...the weight gain did not happen over night so the weight loss will not happen over night. and hold her accountable (but don't be mean about it). that is a start. and everything that she does (towards weight loss) is a good thing. no matter how small it may seem. it's a step towards being more healthy. :o)

Answer 6

I see this ALL the time. It is difficult to loose weight once it's there. I put on 30 pounds after I quit smoking and it took me a few years to get rid of it, but I did it just from walking 3 miles a day. I weigh in at 110 now. I'm 48 and my bf and I both LOVE sex. If you are still in love with her then you have to choose whether or not to stay with her or go. If you are not in love with her anymore then you should go ahead and get a divorce. Have you tried to get her to go to a gym WITH you and do it together? Have you tried to get her to go for long walks together, say 3 to 5 miles a day? Everyone on this site is always saying they don't understand why people (men especially) cheat. I understand it. People need sex and intimacy in their relationships! Making love is the best way to stay connected, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. GEEZ!

Answer 7

Love is more than sex, think of her in terms of her as a life partner do y ou think she is the woman you want to be with and the ONLY thing coming in the way is your sex life?
A person's weight is a very personal thing, and should not be a factor in your husband loving you. In any case that is not an excuse for lack of a sex life. Reassess your needs, try one more time if you still love her, talk talk talk, if that doesn't work, then is time for you to make different choices in your life.

Answer 8

In my opinion, what was the reason why you married your wife? was because of her appearance only or simply because you love her and you want to spend the rest of your life with her? every human being has different opinions about sex. in your situation, the more conscious you are in her looks, the more you are pressuring her and as you've said, she gained more weight. she is using food to escape from the problem. if i were you, start with her inner feeling and let her feel how important she is. being attractive doesn't has to be thin/slim is the way how you carrying yourself. remember one thing, do not pressure your wife. it won't help your relationship. it'll get worsen

Answer 9

There is obviously a more emotional issue here with your wife. I'm guessing here that you both don't speak the same love language. I suggest you check out Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" and see if this helps. I'm glad you're sticking with her. Marriage can be extremely difficult. You've got courage.

Answer 10

You're so focused on her weight... (and not for health reasons but for appearance reasons) that it sounds like you haven't changed much.

The bottom line is that if you two can't work things out you have to decide whether this is worth splitting up over or if you can live with it. By all means, keep trying to work it out. But you both have to try and be willing to make changes.