My husband says that if I leave him, he will abandon our daughters?

Question

My oldest daughter is not his biological daughter but he has been in her life since she was 4 months old and is the only father she has ever known. My newborn is his. He says that if we split up, he won't have anything to do with either of them. He is very insecure, accuses me of cheating all the time (I haven't) and has been very abusive, emotionally and sometimes physically and I can't take it anymore. I don't want my daughters to grow up thinking that this is the way a relationship should be, and would rather have him out of their lives than subject them and myself to more of this treatment. Am I wrong for this? He says that if they grow up to hate him for not being there for them, it will be my fault for not taking him back.

Just to give a little more information, we got into a huge fight Monday because he didn't believe that I had gone to see my OB/GYN for my postpartum checkup, despit the fact that I had a prescription for antidepressants (I am currently suffering from Postpartum Depression). He ended up punching, slapping and dragging me around the house in front of the girls. He is at his dad's house, four hours away, and wants to come home. I have a job that I currently on leave from, so that's not a problem.

Answer 1

Oh my god, he is trying to emotionally blackmail you, he is one sick puppy, get out of there, your girls are in danger as well as yourself, in fact you probably will be doing him a favour by leaving him, he might wake up to himself and go and get some help for his brain, although I doubt it, guys like that usually have had a bad childhood and wont accept that they need help. You staying with him and accepting this sort of treatment not only for yourself but your girls as well, is feeding his problem. Believe me, one happy parent is better than two unhappy ones, your children are young enough to adjust with time and please dont make the mistake of discussing this with them, that only puts them in the middle and they are torn between the two of you, bringing stories etc home to each of you. Please hurry, get your daughters and yourself out of there, the quicker the better, every day you wait, it is like adding more fuel into the fire until something terrible happens. Try when you leave to get some councilling yourself and I think it would be best to stay right away from him until he gets some phyc help and then supervise his visits with the girls. He is dangerous and cannot be trusted. Go quickly before it is too late....... Good Luck I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

It's time to leave, and not look back. He has already emotionally abandoned your daughters; everytime he abuses you, he abandons his responsibility to be a good man at the door. He teaches them that because they are female, they have less worth. When he hits you, he abandons his decency. Noone has the right to hit, and he is hitting the mother of his child. It might be for the best if he is not in their lives, because he is an emotional cripple. Your children need to see a strong parental figure, one who loves them enough to protect them...in short, you. If you have a father, uncle, best male friend, then they will do, regarding a strong male figure. If not, then you are strong enough to be mom and dad. Many kids have grown up without a second parent, and turned out alright. It just takes a little more strength from the parent that remains. Leave him. Get a restraining order, if necessary. STICK TO THE ORDER. Get counseling for yourself and your children. If necessary, go on public assistance and get your education; that is one way to get out of this situation. When you get your education, get a good job. Your daughters need to see a strong woman; it teaches them that they can be strong, too. And realize this most important thing...YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS MAN OR THIS RELATIONSHIP. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

First of all i applaud you for taking a stand for yourself and your kids. No child should be subjected to this behavior, and yes a child needs two parents BUT it doesnt always entail the biological parent. What he is doing is trying to manipulate you into staying DONT LET HIM!! You are not wrong for taking your kids away from an abusive situation, you are doing the right thing, all you can do is tell your kids that their father has some issues that needs to be taken care of before he can be a better parent for them, and make sure that he does get help before he does get to have the kids. And it will NOT be your fault for them hating him he is doing that himself. Get out while you still can!!!

Answer 4

What can you do? First, you can accept that through your own actions, you have really damaged your relationship with your daughter. You may think you're entitled to tell her what to do, as you gave birth to her, but you also chose to not be involved in her life daily. You cannot walk back into her life know, and expect her to accord you the same affection and respect she has for her father - you are a complete stranger to her. Second, you can also accept that since your husband is the custodial parent, he is going to make the lion's share of the care decisions. He's going to be the one that decides how to raise his daughter, how much allowance she'll get, what expectations are going to be made of her. You made the choice to opt out of being a responsible, loving parent - You don't get to interfere in her life, without ever having made a reasonable contribution to it.

Answer 5

ok. If he is abusing you, you should tell the police. It is NOT right of him to do that. If you leave your husband, your daughters will have no father, but will not learn that that is what a relationship looks like. Also, they would learn that they should not act like that towards others. Just because he is insecure about himself he still does not have the right to abuse you. You should try a phsciatrist and maybe that would help your relationship. If that does not work, then get a divorce. You SHOULD NOT live through pain and suffering. That is wrong.

Answer 6

Let's review here: He's mentally and physically abusive and now he's using the girls to guilt you into staying in the relationship. Why would you want an abusive ###hole to be a part of their lives anyway? Run, don't walk, with your children to a women's shelter, file for divorce, sue for full custody, child support and SUPERVISED visitations immediately. You can do better than that! If he dissappears from their lives so be it. They'll probably be better off and maybe you will actually meet a MAN someday with him out of the picture.

Answer 7

Are you sure that you want him in their lives anyway? He sounds like a looser so if I were you I would leave him but go through the proper channels to make him at least pay child support. If he chooses not to be a part of their lives he will have to deal with this this is his decision. As far as the girls go just be the best parent that you can be to them and they will be okay. Good luck and stay strong!

Answer 8

Ok, first of all in the U.S. he won't be able to "abandon" his child. He can TRY but the Government has a way of catching up to these guys and he will STILL have to financially support at least his biological child. He owes nothing to the child that is not his biologically unless he has legally adopted that child. If you want any kind of support for THAT child you will have to seek out that child's biological father and file for support through him (which is what you should have been doing all along).

Answer 9

You are absolutely making the right decision by leaving him.You do not deserve to be hit by anyone.He sound's like a real loser anyway the girl's would be better off without him.If you stay with him you will only be teaching your daughters that it is ok to let a man abuse you and I know that is not what you want.Take your girls and run like the wind.Good luck.You got my support.

Answer 10

He's trying to manipulate you and if he is willing to hurt the girls (by "abandoning" them) just so he can hurt YOU that is absolutely disgusting.

It sounds like you are a very brave woman. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to him and do the right thing for your children. You're being a good mom. Your girls do not need to grow up with a man like that in their life. You do not need a man like that in your life.

I wish you the best of luck. I wish more women were able to do what you are doing.