My old roomate has accused my boyfriend of rape - no evidence- Apologies if too graphic, but what do I do?

Question

Until a week ago we were all very good friends. I live with my boyfriend, and have been with him for 5 years. We've talked of marriage. Last week, he went with my old roomate and I out drinking, and my roomate offered to let us stay at her house b/c it was close by. I was the DD and was sober, but exhausted from being the babysitter and said ok. My boyfriend got so drunk, he puked, and passed out on the floor. My roomate was so drunk she was stumbling all over the place, but evntually got her self to bed. It was two AM by the time I fell asleep, and we woke up at 6 the next day. Two days later she called my boyfriend, told him to sit down, because she thought he had TRIED to rape her while she was sleeping, but she was unsure of what happened or how far it had gone. She aksed if he woke up with any blood on him, because she had been on her period, and he hadn't. She asked him to tell me, and he said he would, but he has no memory of the night before. What do I do?

Continued: After I talked to my boyfriend, I was in shock at the possibility, but he was so remorseful. He says he has no recollection of the night before, and from his state, I believe him. He kept crying, and saying he hated hiself, that he had become a monster without even being concious of it. I wanted to talk to my roomate and called her. She told the story differently to me, like she was very sure of what he had done. Saying he was silent, that he stumbled into her room without a word, approached her from behind, removed her underwear, and held her wrists. Then she faught him ,threw him off, and told him to go to the other room. We were only asleep 4 hours, and I was awake for a while after they were both out. I heard nothing the whole night, she did not scream or wake me up, and she did not report it to the police or get a rape exam. She says she washed all the clothes already, but is sure of what happened. MY bf woke where I left him, with no blood, and his clothes on.

One other problem: we live with one other person, a friend of mine for years who I love and trust. My old roomate insists I need to tell her what happened, and my bf is willing to tell her both sides of the story, becasue he hates lying or keeping secrets and doesn't want her to hear it from someone else. I am so terrified my current roomate, after hearing this, is going to freak out, as most ppl would, and want him to move out. Not only do I love him and miss him terribly, but cannot get out of the lease and cannot afford to live here without him. We share a room, and it would be difficult to find someone else to move in. I'm so lost as to what to do or how to approach my current roommate. She wasn't there that night, and is close to all parties involved. What do I do if she insists he leaves?

Answer 1

Wow... so they were both completely drunk... but she coherently remembers him being that calculated and coherent... and she fought him off? A drunk girl fought off a drunk guy and didn't leave a mark on either of them? And in the morning, he was right where he passed out?

I don't buy it. Your friend may not like you giving your bf all your attention. After all, she was your roommate, now he is... you're thinking of getting married. She sounds like a drama queen who needs your attention. She's jealous.

Edit: Okay, that sounds a bit harsh. I was not in a good mood... but that is still an option. Another option is that they were both way too drunk and may have messed around a bit. Maybe he doesn't remember, and she does, but she's so ashamed that she's going to pin it on him in a panic. She's not a bad person, but when we're unhappy about something we can convince ourselves the situation was different to make ourselves feel better about our choices.

There's no way to tell who is at fault or if anything happened because they were so wasted. They both need to cut back. Try talking to them both and explain to them that you don't know who to believe because you were alseep and you love and trust both of them. Tell them you want to move forward by working on being in better control of yourselves. Whatever happened was most likely the result of too much alcohol - so don't drink so much! Everyone can claim blame for setting up this bad situation.

Answer 2

A defence lawyer has a duty to try to create reasonable doubt in the minds of a jury to secure their clients acquittal. It's a fundamental and vital part of the adversarial English legal system. A lawyer must be able to set aside their own beliefs and prejudices to represent a client to the best of their ability. While I find it sickening on an emotional level I'm glad we have people able to do it, without them we could not maintain the superb justice system we have. How do they sleep at night? Honestly, I don't know. I personally couldn't live with myself if I'd acted like that, but then, that's part of why I rejected the idea of a career in the law when a school careers adviser recommended it to me some years ago. It does however point to a serious problem in the law, how children this young are handled when giving evidence. I would personally prefer to see the law changed to remove the adversarial nature of examining and cross examining such a witness and instead have a court appointed lawyer specially trained to deal with young children question them. Obviously the prosecution and defence should be permitted to submit questions to be asked, but the questioning should be done by a neutral. EDIT: Kerry, sadly, there's no way a scumbag like that would have made a guilty plea. Rape is all about power, and when the filth are in jail they have almost no power, however, they still have the power to subject their victims to another traumatising ordeal and no doubt many find that almost as pleasurable as the original crime. It's why many people are campaigning for legal changes to the way such trials are conducted.

Answer 3

This is a really serious accusation that you, your boyfriend, and your friend should all be taking very seriously. I'm sure you probably have 1000 different things going through your head right now. You might try telling yourself that maybe it was all a bad, realistic dream. Because why would your friend just make all this up? Do you think your boyfriend is liar capable of rape? Wouldn't you have heard something? And if you were laying right next to him, why would your boyfriend even go trolling for sex in the next room with your friend anyways? You'll probably be analyzing all of this and more for a long time.
First of all, it sounds like your boyfriend should lay off the booze for awhile. Drinking to the point of blacking out is beyond just "having a good time". Honestly. I think all of you may be in just alittle in over your heads and something like this could destroy your relationships and even your lives. People might tell you to trust your instincts on this and take into consideration who you know better and you think you can trust more. But I think the three of you might want to consider some professional help; maybe not together but at least separately so each of you can be honest with yourselves and maybe eventually with each other. Then you can decide where to go from there.

Answer 4

It doesn't sound like your friend is going to press charges, so there's no need to worry about that. Honestly, it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot of honesty in the story. They both were extremely drunk, and something could conceivably have happened, but the timeline could be off. It sounds like something did truly happen to your friend, which may or may not have involved your boyfriend. Regardless, it sounds like this is a time to be there for your friend.

Answer 5

I think your friend is lying or is confused about what happened.
If your bf was so drunk that he passed out I don't think that it would be possible for him to rape her. If your bf did anything like that I think he would be honest enough to tell you. Why would your bf go to your bff to get some when you were with him?

Answer 6

Nothing.

They were both drunk, if she was going to press charges she would have and it doesn't seem like she will. No one is going to jail; she doesn't even know IF she was raped or not.

Answer 7

Get rid of the friend - she's a drama queen. I just have a gut feeling your boy is innocent and she's just a bunch of BS.

Answer 8

She's buggin' so don't worry about it. Even if she tried to file charges, there is no evidence and the case would get dropped.

Answer 9

I don't think either of them are being completely honest.

Answer 10

Tell her she was dreaming. or she`s wishing it would happen