Emotional cheating?? (via websites like suicidegirls.com, etc.)?

Question

hi. ive also asked this question in relationships and dating where im sure it belongs.. but i think i might get some good answers here as well. i thank you in advance.

i currently live with my boyfriend and i am having a hardtime dealing with his subscriptions to suicidegirls and fatalbeauty.com. i understand that a lot of guys are into porn and what not.. but to me its different when you are paying for the website to compliment these women and interact with them.. its not like you interact with jenna jameson when you download pictures or watch her "films." he says that i am insecure and jealous and that i am in need of professional help to deal with my issues. i feel like im being emotionally cheated on.. he says i should trust him but i dont feel like i can, especially when i see what he is saying to these women. (mind you, i can barely get the time of day but thats another topic...) please help. thank you.

hopefully by adding details, im not deleting my original question. we live together and did get engaged. it doesnt feel like it.. but we are. he says that he pays attention to me but he doesnt. (i think ive gotten flowers twice in our 4 yr relationship.) holidays, birthdays are gift cards with no thought. no job due to an emotional & mental disorder of his own.. i work. i come home, hes on the computer. we go out within 10 minutes of going home, hes back on the computer. he finds some sites as "art" and eductional based on piercings and tattoos. i feel useless, ugly, lonely and unwated. i thank all of you for your responses even though i guess i knew the answer all along.

ive tried to incorporate these things into our relationship. ive tried to be open and understanding to it. but as more time goes, and more activity, and less emotional and physical connection goes on between us, the worse i feel. he doesnt take easy to this subject. right away, i have issues and because he has been in more relationships than i, he feels that he is the authority on it. he's even threatened to break up with me if i didnt "correct" them. one thing is seeing tattoos and piercings but then another is full blown pictures saved and viewed endlessly. he makes it like a secret because he knows that im uncomfortable with it and is quick to blame me and my "insecurities." im supposed to "trust" and "love him.." "make the first move if i want to be with him.." .."that hes never done anything to violate my trust.." movies, magazines, dvds fine.. i can deal with that and that doesnt bother me. interacting with ppl that you can meet up with and pay MUCH attn to, does.

Answer 1

I think the big difference in what he's doing and emotional cheating also illustrates a big difference in the thinking of most men and women.

He does not have feelings for these women on these sites. It is purely visual. He does not equate sex with anything emotionally necessarily. He just likes to look at women. Maybe he sees one who makes him harder than another on the site and wants to see her more.

If he's not paying attention to you or spending time with you AT ALL because he's on these sites, then he does have a problem. It's not emotional cheating though. It's a lack of appreciation for you. Or maybe he just assumes you'll always be around.

In any case, he's not really cheating. If you feel neglected, try ignoring him for a bit. Or maybe just find someone else all together. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with porn or guys who look at it. But when they neglect the real person sitting next to them for it... then they are the one with the problem.

And as for ultimatums.... do you want him to leave the site because he realizes he's a jerk and hurting you?
Or
because you MADE him? If you issue an ultimatum, he'll just do it while you're not around.
If you do issue an ultimatum, you MUST be prepared to leave him. Because if he doesn't stop and you don't follow through, it will only get worse!

Answer 2

OMG! you need to sort this out! Your boyfriend has the issues not you! What normal person subscribes to weird websites when they have a girlfriend who is obviously upset by it. To be perfectly honest, i think you should give him an ultimatum, you or the websites. It doesn't sound like he's putting much into your relationship anyway, and if he chooses the websites, which i think he might do, as it sounds like your relationship may have come to an end because your mentioning that he barely gives u the time of day, which is never a good thing. You deserve much more respect than this and how dare he humiliate you like this. confront him and explain to him that its wrong what hes doing and that you don't want him to continue, and if he chooses the sites, well then you know there is someone better for you out there. good luck!

Answer 3

I think your problem is more about how he is treating you than on what he is saying to the on-line women.

If he was treating you well, you would more than likely be seeing his on-line antics as a fetish or you might even incorporate it into you joint sexual life.

You say you feel emotionally cheated on, well, what you are in fact is emotionally neglected. If, as you say, "i can barely get the time of day" (which incidentally is not another subject, they are one and the same) I would suggest to you that you boyfriend doesn't think of you or your feelings much. He is most likely lost in his own feelings and probably a selfish person on the whole.

Now, some people might tell you, it is your fault, you should go out of your way to do things that would make him more attracted to you. And to some degree they are right. You should always try. if, however your attempts are not getting any results, i would suggest that again, it has more to do with his personality being selfish than anything lacking in you.

Answer 4

I to think it is emotional cheating too.

First if he is doing something like this that is clearly upsetting to you, and has no respect for your feeling, you are probably wise to get out of this relationship now.

Second, If he is paying more attention to the girls on the puter then you, again I would leave him.

I think that perhaps he is right that you need help to deal with your issues starting with why you would be involved with a guy like him.

Answer 5

this is really typical of guys even though they're w/ a girl they want to flirt w/ other girls and have the fantasy of being w/ other gils typical male perversion...don't let him think he can have his cake and eat it too....you know what you should do DUMP HIM and do it NOW...the more time you're wasting the more he's gonna do this to you....you can't change guys unfortunately...that's how they were made....i know sad....but girls don't deserve this....it hurts to be w/ someone who doesn't want you or wants to be w/ you less than a bunch of sluts.....he's onyl saying you're insecure because that's his exuse

so be the smart person and strong and LEAVE HIM....good luck

Answer 6

(mind you, i can barely get the time of day but thats another topic...) ......


BUT that is exactly the topic, isn't it? Emotional cheating is giving one's time, interest, attention, and compliments to another. When someone pays attention to us, the attention itself is a compliment.

So..... when you gonna dump this guy and find someone who does not have issues with face-to-face emotional connections??

Answer 7

Yes, I agree totally. Watching porn by yourself when you have a spouse is cheating. When porn is watched together as a couple then it isn't cheating. Your bf watches porn because you are not physically attractive to him anymore. You should leave while you still have a chance of more mental abuse. If your not sexy to him anymore go find someone who thinks you are sexy.

Answer 8

What I understand, is that these sites are not only about porn, they are also dating sites: meet/interact w/other people. You are his girlfriend he doesn't need to meet other people.
Personally I wouldn't like my boyfriend to subscribe to sites like that, and would make it an issue.
To me it sounds as if your boyfriend is putting the blame somewhere else (on you) instead of dealing with it himself. I don't think its lack of confidence or trust if you ask him to stop. Maybe he is the one who needs either help to deal with his issues, or he needs to rethink his relationship with you.
Please don't let yourself be talked into a corner, and only take on what you are willing to accept.
Good luck!
A.

Answer 9

You know what. You are right. He is the one in need of counseling. Guys may be into porn but it is never right. And when they are in a relationship, they should put all of that energy into the relationship. Instead, a lot of what should be yours is going to other girls.

Sounds to me like you need to get out of this one.

Answer 10

If it bothers you, tell him and ask him to stop. If he loves you, he will stop. If he doesn't then suggest that he seek professional help.