How do I tell him I want out of our relationship?

Question

Hi, I have two young boys (4 and 1) but I am not happy with their father. I feel as if I should stay because he is their father but he makes me unhappy, he's lazy, he drinks and he doesn't give me the love and affection that I am starting to crave. He doesn't seem to realise that there is a problem because everytime I ask him to do something, he changes for a month or two then it's back to normal again. I want out but I'm scared of starting again. Of how hard it will be for my kids. How hard it will be to move. I am also not wanting him to have kids with anyone else. I don't want my kids to have half brothers or sisters. How do I let go? How do I move on? HOW DO I TELL HIM I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE????????????????????????

I realise that I can't say whether or not he has other children and I'm sure I would get over it as time goes on. It's always hard to begin with.
To be honest, if we didn't have kids together, I wouldn't be with him.
Can I please ask, why is it selfish on both sides?
I think that if I'm happy, my kids will be happy.

Oh, we're not married.

We tried counselling ages ago and he went once and said he'd never go again coz he didn't want other people knowing our business... He's been caught drink driving twice, the second time when he had six weeks left to go of his suspended licence for the first offence. He's 24. He believes that I should look after the children and the house and he should bring the money home.

re child support, never entered my mind. i'm sorry but not everyone is about child support. as long as he played a part in being their father i couldn't care less if i never saw a dime/dollar/cent.

I been thinking and I have accepted that if I want out then I can't say he can't have a life coz I'd want a life too. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.........

Answer 1

Well, if you leave, you can't stop him from having other kids. Plain and simple. If you don't really want to leave, see if he will go to counseling with you. If he is willing, and is really willing to work on the issues with you, it's better to stay since you have children together. If he won't try to better things and you still want to leave, just do it. Start saving money now so you will be able to go.

Answer 2

I would like to first suggest counselling. But if you are not open to this, or have already thought things through and want out here goes:

You need to sit him down, and in a loving manner let him know how you feel. About him, about yourself and about your relationship. It is unhealthy to stay together just for the kids - for everyone involved. YOU deserve to be happy, and so does he. And even though your children are young now, don't think that they won't pick up on your unhappiness as they grow older. Is that the picture you want them to see? Mommy and Daddy unhappy? Fighting maybe? I think not.

Secondly ... I understand you don't want your kids to have half-siblings. But no one is saying you should jump into another relationship, as soon as this one ends. Why not take some time to yourself? Re-discover yourself, things that make you happy. Yes starting over is hard - but thousands of people, with kids, have done it successfully. You are not the first and will not be the last to survive. You can do it.

Good luck!

K.

Answer 3

It will be incredibly hard on the kids...neither one of you are mature enough to handle a stable relationship...what makes you think that you'll be able to handle separation any better? Think that you won't argure about child support? Think that you'll even get it? I know you'll be owed it but actually getting it is another thing entirely.

I say that you need to ask yourself....If HE were to get custody of the kids...and YOU had to pay child support and be a part time mother would you stay in the relationship. If the answer is yes then go get counseling. Do everything that you can to change YOUR life and that involves him. I'm not saying that you need to put his needs before yours at all. In fact, it's the opposite. Put yours in front of his, but you need to figure out what those are and counseling will help. He doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to...

If at the end of the counseling you'd say "yes" to that question then leave...and hit him up for the support and fight for the kids. But be equitable and fair about it. That way he won't feel like you're retaliating and will more likely pay his fair share without arguing which will help in the long run.

Answer 4

I know it's cliche but honesty is the best policy. You should tell him what you told us. Perhaps even marriage counseling is necessary. I only say this because you have children whom are very young. And truthfully everyone I know who have divorced parents thought it was their fault their parents seperated, hence this idea shouldn't be taken lightly.

Also, you may not love what he has become but you did love what he once was, otherwise you wouldn't have married him, so maybe if you can encourage him to realize the need to change, he just might do so permenantly.

In addition, if you do decide to leave, you cannot control if he has children with other women or not. Sorry to say this but you let him go, you let go of that right. And what if you fall in love with someone else, what makes you so sure you won't have children with that man?

Definitely talk to your husband and think long and deeply about this, children are involved - and it's not just about you anymore.

Answer 5

First you have to decide if you are willing to deal with the possibilities of you guys breaking up. You cant have it your way on both ends. If you dont want him and someone else does then they may have a child together. But you gave up on him so what he does after you guys split is his business. Same for you, you may meet someone who wants kids as well. It is either you work with what you have or leave and find better with the chance it could be worse. Just tell him how you truly feel in a long heart to heart and if he changes for two months and goes back to the same thing then you have your answer. If you have done this then just tell him that you dont thinkn you guys are meant to be together long term. But it is not okay to let your kids see you unhappy whether you realize it or not that makes them unhappy. Stay blessed!

Answer 6

You have several issues going here.If you have fallen out of love with your husband and you do not love him anymore the best thing to do is to talk to him and be honest.Do not stay in a relationship because you have children that is the worst mistake that parents make.The children pay the ultimate price for it in the end and that is not fair to them.Ofcourse you are scared to start over that is a human reaction.People in general are scared of change but can it be done absolutely yes.I was once in your position and i have a wonderful life now I am remarried and I could'nt be happier.It took time for me to get here but I did it.I survived the whole moving and single mom thing.You deserve to be happy in your life and it is up to you to make that happen.It is also up to you to make your children happy.Just because thing's did'nt work out with you & their father and you can't be together anymore does'nt mean that he can't continue to be their father.You said something that really is disturbing.You said that you don't love your husband anymore and that is understandable and you don't want to be with him. Yet you don't want him to move on and have anymore children,that is not your right to choose that for him.If you want a divorce that's fine but you need to go your way and he need's to go his.There is absolutely nothing wrong with having 1/2 brother's and sisters that is just more children to love.One thing that is very important to understand is that you cannot move on and start over until you completely let go of him and as long as you still want to control him you will only be hurting yourself and your children,Sorry I just realized you never said if you were married or not if your not married it will be even easier to leave.Best of luck to you and your kid's.

Answer 7

I know you feel that way right now but let me tell you, your really going to feel it when you actual take that step. Why don't you reconsider before you do. Get some help seek some consoling to make it work because it is really pain full once you move on. It will effect your kids not just you. If you find a new man and yea hes going to make you feel happy at first but that feeling is limited. I feel thats no resone to end a relationship just by the things he does around the house. I'm actuly going though it right now and I am In a lot of pain and my son is as well. I'm just letting you know but it's really up to you.

Answer 8

He did this to your relationship. Unfortunetly if you get a divorce or seperate you won't have control over his penis. You can't stop him there. There is one last hope for you and that is to seek cousiling. If he refuses that then you have no choice but to leave him. He probably won't change. It's harder to change your ways as you get older. There probably isn't much you can do about you not loving him anymore. Get a cousiler, if it doesn't work, just be the bigger person and file for divorce. Think about your children and what is best for their future.

Answer 9

Well I am only 11 but my parents did go through divorse wene i was 3. And they told us that he went on a buisness trip. I am begging u not to do that!!!! I think you should tell your kids that you and your husband are not together! It is MUCH better than lieing. Good luck with your kids. Now with your husband you should just lay down the law and tell him that it is OVER!!!I hope you, your kids and your husband all work out!

Answer 10

You didn't say if you were married or not.

I think your question is why marriages don't work....people get bored and don't want to put any effort into making a good relationship.

So they move from person to person to person.

I'm sorry but this question sounds selfish on both sides.