Is there any support for husbands who have been taken for granted?

Question

So I work, I also do 80% of the housework. I cook most of the meals. I run the children around to their various sports and activities even though they are technically not mine (step kids).

All I really want from my wife is to let me know that she appreciates this stuff. Specifically, why can't she email me while we are both at work? It takes about ten seconds even if it is a hectic day. Or put on some lingerie for me at night once in a while, or I don't know.

Now, I've spent about an hour and a half this afternoon looking maybe for a magazine article, message board, newsgroup, or some literature on how to deal with this. Everthing on the net is about wives who get taken for granted.

Anyone know of a place I can get advice on this and maybe wake her up a little bit?

i have talked to her until im blue in the face, nothing changes

Answer 1

You have to understand what is going on inside of her first. You have interpreted it as "taken for granted" but that is so cliche and unlikely that I dont know how to process it.

Let me suggest a more plausible interpretation:
You work and help out. She works and helps out.
Im sure you have not done a rigorous time, money, and resource study to prove that 80% but its more of a feeling. Im sure she feels that she does at least half of the work at home and not. Furthermore she likely feels that because you and her are in the same circumstances you can fully appreciate her just as much as she appreciates you. She probably uses your actions at home to gauge whats an appropriate way to express appreciation.

Emailing at work, is always read by the boss or the network administrator. Always. If its against policy to use resources like that, it could be a poor review later on, or material that her review committee could use to deny her a raise.

When a woman is tired, and has worked a long day physical intimacy, instead of being a recharge, a refuge, and a way to relax can be a very energy and emtionally expensive activity. It takes a lot of "fuel", and when she is starting on empty, that trip is not good time. How many days a week do you give her hour long foot and back massages? Can you do that daily after work, on top of everything else, and go into it charged up, working hard every single day of the week?

It sounds to me like you need to learn to appreciate her first. You need to learn her language, and like a man who is truly taking the lead, and not just demanding service, you should hunt down the things that speak deeply and powerfully to her, and do them for her every day for months, and truly "set the bar high" in terms of expressing appreciation. My guess is that after a week (or possibly two) she will see the dramatic change (not in that you serve her, but that what your giving is speaking more powerfully to her heart) and want to do the same for you.

Good books that give a guy a clue on "the hunt" include:
- "The five love languages"
- "His needs her needs"
- "A lasting promise"

Read them cover to cover. They will open your eyes in a disturbing and compelling way. Then things like "10,000 romantic ideas" or "A severe mercy" are a good idea.

Answer 2

huh i am not getting how your tax return goes to support your husbands previous... oh I get it you must have filed jointly I believe. I wonder if you filed separately if you would keep your taxes. I know that grants and gi-bill are not considered income for me in lots of circumstances for school but I am not an authority on it exactly. I would recomend asking a lawer possibly. And yeah below is right I think its not you who owe the child support. But to make sure I would ask a lawer just to you can know your rights.

Answer 3

Honestly, I have no idea. You sound very much like my boss. His wife has no clue how fortunate she is and sounds like your wife is the same. You should know that even if she doesn't appreciate everything you do, you sound like a wonderful husband and many many women would love to have someone like you. My boss is religious and he prays a lot.

Answer 4

Tell her to email [e-mail]. I can certainly give her advice. I did it for a long time with my first husband. Lets just say I won't do it with the husband I have now.

Answer 5

i as a wife was being taken for granted by my hubby and the two children we created.. i also worked outside the home, so being the only person doing anything in the home got old real quick.. ..my response was to go on strike .. .. what i did in fact was to stop doing anything which could be done by someone else.. the first day at supper time my kids came to me first they were hungry.. so they made toast and complained about having toast.. hubby heated some leftovers. .. day two the kids were just about furious about having to get their own breakfasts after the night before . hubby left for work early and picked up something .. day three i got up early and went over to a friends house and allowed them to fend for themselves...i picked up something and ate before i got home from work. things were starting to get frenzied.. that night my son asked me to do his laundry (he needed something the next day), , without being rude at all,,i simply said no thanks...the next morning i asked my son to please take out the trash,he smiled and said no thanks.. i said fine ..this went on for an unbelievable two weeks... then they finally asked if i was ever going to start to do things again..it opened a dialogue and we talked for about five hours.i ordered a pizza.. explained it was wrong to require me to do all the things they wanted to get done,,see i have a life as well. we discussed how to share jobs and i would help them to get used to the change. at 11:30 p.m. we agreed to the new plan and i got up to take out the trash,with everybody watching picked up the bag and saw maggots. i screamed ,the kids ran , my husband puked, and i had to hunt down the things get rid of them .......a few days later i asked my son to take out the trash,,he started to complain and i just said it will be there when ever he was ready..the look on his face was something to remember for ever...

do nothing unessential for as long as it takes to get noticed and then NEGOTIATE..

Answer 6

Yahoo has quite a few chat rooms. You should be able to find some sympathetic ears in one of them.

Answer 7

Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?
I'd suggest that first, you sound like a great person and I'm sure she does not want to lose you. Much Luck

Answer 8

Get her Dr. Laura's book "The proper Care and Feeking of Husbands"...... tell her to read it.

Answer 9

why dont you just sit her down and tell her how you feel? And why are you doing all the work? Is she lazy? Are you a control freak? Why? TALK TALK TALK.

Answer 10

Alimony goes both ways!!