why cant he just say the truth?

Question

ok so i've been seperated from my ex for about 3 months. he didnt have a good relationship (he was verbal and pysically abusive) i decieded it was time for a break...we were supposed to "work" things out and get help...i later found out that he assistant had the HOTS for him and was spreading rumors about me... he lied to me and said that he didnt like her or anything & me like a dumb *** i believed him. she quit about a week ago and i just found out that HE invited her out to get coffee and to go to the movies... they said that he was after her and he got hurt that she didnt tell him that some days she would still work with him, he found out through coworkers. So now i dont know what to do, hes telling me that shes after him and i find out the truth that hes the one thats after her. I've had the oppurtunity to go out with a guy that has been asking me out... i 've said no but now with this i dont know what to do....for the guys " why are u such liers saying that u love yet u lie"

Answer 1

If your on a break.. I'd make it a permanent one. If he's verbal and physcially abusive you need out of that relationship anyways. You've got one foot out the door... now just go on with your life. You don't need him, and you don't need that drama.

You deserve better and you know it.... other wise you wouldn't be asking this question.

Answer 2

honey, first of all you do not want to be with a guy who is abusive in any way. if you still want to try to work things out anyway, here is what i suggest. If you are going to remain seperated, that means you are BOTH allowed to date other people. But be honest with each other. You will have to talk to him and explain that you are okay with him seeing someone else as long as he is honest with you. Were you mad that he was seeing someone or that he lied?? thats the question you have to ask yourself and talk to him about it. You should date that other guy and explore your options at this time also. you might see that your husband isn't the right choice for you and you would be happier without him. However, if you know in your heart that your husband is the guy for you, get back together and stop putting yourself through this heartache. The choice is up to you, good luck!!

Answer 3

I was in a similar situation. What I have found out in tons of counseling is that some men can't tell the truth. It might be because they think it might hurt you more or that they just can't tell themselves that it's over. Some men like to try to hold on the something that they know it's working. On the other hand, if they think that they can get away with it and play both of you then they will. You just need to move on and find you someone that will treat you better.

Answer 4

Marriage is like a lock.

Locks dont stop thieves. A lock just keeps an honest person honest, and makes a thief - a thief.

The way you casually talk about the guy, you may have given him your heart, but he didnt give you a walk down the aisle, and more importantly you never established the social lock on your relationship that comes from a public commitment. When "people" saw her interest in him, or his interest in her, and there was no "lock", there was no reason to say wtf to him, or her. There was no reason for shame, because guys who play around are "studs" or "a playa" and women who are aggresive are "hot" according to our oh so enlightened culture (thats sarcasm).

Guys brains arent wired for communication, and thats both internal and external. They dont know whats going on in their hearts most of the time. Yeah it affects them and drives them, but they dont even know how to affix a word to the feeling. Pressuring him to tell you "I love you", is like pressuring him to tell you what metabolic processes are going on in his liver. It takes a phd to figure it out and speak it. Something is going on, but the average guy can only tell you generalities. If you pressure him, and add the incentive of being pliable or giving him something he wants for him giving you a few sounds out his mouth, most guys will make the sounds. If you really want to understand him, you are going to have to be smarter at figuring out whats going on inside of him than he is.

To tell the real truth you need a complete evaluation of three things: 1) words, 2) actions, 3) over a long time. How do the words and actions go together? How do the words change over time? How do the actions change over time? "A lot of time" means like not less than three months with 10 to 15 hours per week.

Separation doesnt "heal". It doesnt "build bridges" or "assist in communication". In my entire life I have NEVER seen a "separation" that was good for the marriage. NEVER EVER! It can give wounds a great opportunity to fester. It gives each the opportunity to live without each other with all the short term benefits, and none of the long term losses. Its a bad idea. The only thing it "works out" is it gives you a way to work your way out of the relationship.

What heals is a "vacation", and not in the Chevy Chase style, but a you and him, one on one, not the pressures of work, kids, etc... Both working on communication, understanding, coming with an openness to negotiation, to teaming, and a commitment to the relationship. That is how you "work it out" meaning improve the quality of the relationship.

Why didn't someone tell you this when you were a teenager?

SETI was right. Dont hang out with someone who is abusive. They will always do to the kids what they do to you. Their violence will always grow over time. Eventually either you are in the hospital (or dead) your child is in the hospital (or dead) or you get a divorce. Dont be in a relationship like that.

Answer 5

Girl... if he knows he can get away with abuse, lying, cheating - he will do it. Why the hell not?? He's got a sucker for a girlfriend.

Don't be a sucker. Say goodbye to him and never look back. Otherwise, you're bound to run into more of the same. Who cares *why* he can't tell you the truth; a much better question to ask yourself is WHY are you still hanging on to him. Don't slip into being a loser... find a guy who will treat you respectfully, there are plenty of them around.

Answer 6

get rid of the liar, he has been telling u stories, i am not at all surprised the assistant was vilifying u, and spreading lies, she wants to feel it is OK what she is doing to u, so making u look bad will make her feel what she is doing is justified. and your marriage has been plagued with abuse, so why work it out, probably can't be worked out anyway. divorce him, and move on with someone else, and don't let what he did to u ruin the next relationship, think u should give the new guy a chance.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

first of all if u are separated....that means both of u are free to date others....if u don't like him dating her ...then move back in together...or else just get divorced.

Answer 9

Honey this guy is a creep move on and forget him!

Answer 10

we lie to get laid. the risk you have to take with any of us.