How long does it take for a guy to realize he has found "the one"?

Question

My long term boyfriend does not want to talk about marriage. Many consider me to be very attractive and I am extremely nice and respectable. My boyfriend says time and time again he has 100% trust in me (which is great but sucks because he is convinced he will never lose me). We used to live together and after a year I mentioned buying a house, as we were in a good financial position to do so and it made the most economical sense, and he freaked out saying he was scared marriage would come next. (he is 26, I am 24). I want to commit myself to a relationship where we both see a future together and look forward to it. I always thought that if you know you love someone you go for it without hesitation..... he laughs in my face when I mention marriage and says we are too young and it's the last thing on his mind. I have been a bridesmaid too many times. I don't want to be cheated out of marriage and kids by staying with him but I am scared I might cheat myself out of love if I leave

We broke up after he he freaked out about marriage and I bought a house on my own... we've been back together for about 6 months now (after a 5 month break up - no longer living together).... he says if he is not with me he will never be with another woman again - but actions speak louder than words!

Answer 1

Your boyfriend has clearly found the one. Unfortunately for you, the word he associates with "the one" as far as you're concerned isn't soulmate -- it's sucker.

If he's too young to think about marriage, then he's too young to keep playing house with you. When won't he be "too young" to think about marriage and kids? When he's 30? 50? 75?

He, like many people, is frightened of the responsibility of marriage, home ownership, and parenting. The truth is that yes, those are big responsibilities -- but behind those truths are that responsibility brings with it tremendous power to shape your life the way you want.

The problem of course is that you can't tell him this, I can't tell him this, NOBODY can tell him this -- he has to find out about responsibility on his own. And, sadly, this usually involves losing something you're not responsible enough to hang onto. It may be you that he has to lose to learn about being responsible.

So I won't say "dump the creep and get on with your life," but at some point you have to decide what your life is about, and you have to take the actions necessary to achieve that. Doing that is YOUR responsibility -- and therefore it is also YOUR power. If you don't exercise it, if you don't stand up and take responsibility for having the kind of life you choose, you end up living a life that somebody else dictated, a life lived at the effect of someone else's fears, doubts and concerns.

If you're okay with your life being about waiting for your boyfriend to grow up, then stay with him and tell yourself you're doing it out of love. But if there's something else you want your life to be about -- you're old enough to start living it, rather than waiting for somebody else to put away childish things.

Answer 2

I think he`s right...he is really quite young...if you insist on dating or "playing house" that wonderful. Just remember he`s still growing up. You have been in numerous relationships like this and are you being honest w/ urself-- upping the ante with a new house. You were paying attn. when he said he wasn`t ready for marraige, weren`t you? Face it--youre a g/f of convenience, or a string along. Of course he trusts you 100%, whenever hes bored, lonely, or horney you`ve always been there. He needs you to prove to his buddies he`s a man--but what does he know about MEN? You are the more knowledgable one here so take charge of your situation

Answer 3

Guys know themselves on this subject, so listen when they say they are not interested in marriage. Do not waste your time.

Sometimes what they mean is - I am not interested in marriage to YOU. Or, they really do mean they are about playing the field.

Again, move on to someone who is looking to settle down. If he has made a mistake in letting you go, nothing will stop him from getting you back.

Answer 4

Most of the guys I know (including my husband) say they know pretty quickly and definitely what they want. If he says he doesn't want to get married, then he doesn't, and laughing in your face is a pretty cruel way to get the message across. Take him at his word.

What you need to ask your self is, is this a deal-breaker for you? You can wait around for him to get where you are, but it's entirely possible that he'll never get there, or never get there with YOU. Don't cheat yourself out of the life you want with a guy who wants it too (and doesn't have to be convinced he wants it).

If this guy comes around sometime in the future, he knows your number.

Answer 5

Usually by the time the divorce is final.