Relationship Confusion.?

Question

Sorry guys, I deleted my question by mistake. Advice is welcome again. Here is my dilemma.

I am separated frm my husband since a couple of months. I had to let go(aborted) our child bec I was not sure of our relationship. Pls do not judge me by this action of mine. I had to take this decision under lots of pressure n stress.I knw that he is really hurt by this, but he knew my decision n he himself did not stop me enough from doing it. We met a couple of times to decide what to do about the relationship. I wanted a divorce earlier, but I changed my mind. When I changed my mind, he wanted a divorce. Now he also changed his mind. But there is no communication now, coz the last time we met, there was a problem and we again had an argument. He emailed me later saying he is "willing" to give me a chance,but he sounded arrogant n egoist in his email(assuming it).After that he send me a card for our 2nd anniversary. What is he trying to convey ? I am really confused with his behaviour.

I know that I have really hurt him, by this abortion, but he too has hurt me by saying and doing a lot of things which I never thought of. But I did not abort my child because I wanted to take a revenge for what all he did nor did I do it bec he hurt me, I had to do it bec I feared my child's future. He knows it that he too is responsible for the loss and he could have stopped it from happening. I gave him a choice whn I took this decision, I told him that I will either go back to my parents or with him, he said not to abort, but left after saying so. He did not answer me. After all this we met and talked, but things are not moving in any direction. He said that he is ready to give me a chance, but he sounded very arrogant as if he is doing favors. Then comes the part where he send me the card.

Answer 1

First things first. Stop feeling guilty about the abortion. I know it's hard not to feel guilty, but remember you took a decision under extreme stress, which at that time you felt was the best thing for the unborn child's sake. In retrospect, the decision was probably the correct one, and you should not feel remorse about it. Rather, you have at least saved one child from a life of misery with parents who would not get along together. The emotional scars of a broken home remain with the child lifelong, and will strongly affect his/her life decisions well into adulthood. At present you may feel it was you who aborted it (with your husband's tacit consent), but remember there is a God, and He surely had a major role in this; you were merely the vehicle He used to save that one soul.

Now to come to your marriage. Obviously, you married because you felt you could share a life together. So I suppose there was love, or at least a certain respect or admiration from each of you for the other. I don't know how long you knew each other before you took the plunge, but things appear to have started going wrong AFTER you married. It therefore appears that the act of being married has stirred some resentment in both of you. Maybe both of you feel your freedom has been curtailed. And hence both of you started contemplating divorce within two years of your wedding. But there is a silver lining to your cloud, in that both of you had second thoughts about going through with the divorce. Both of you came to the edge of the precipice; and both of you stepped back. That probably, though not necessarily, shows that things can still be worked out, IF YOU WANT TO.

And therein lies the key to your happiness together. For a marriage to be successful, BOTH PARTIES MUST WORK towards it. A marriage is like a baby. It needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Yes, you will both make mistakes. Yes, there will be disagreements, often on the most trivial things. After all, you are two distinct individuals with independent minds and different personalities. But you must MAKE THE EFFORT to sustain the relationship. Without that effort, the relationship, like the baby, cannot survive.

I strongly suggest that you both work towards saving your marriage, which, your letter indicates, is what you want. I think your husband also shares this view, from the greeting card he sent. What is needed is a little maturity on both sides, a certain level-headedness which will help you weather the current storm in your life. This maturity will come with time. But in the meanwhile, you need help. Both of you. A marriage counsellor can help you get on with your life. There is nothing shameful about seeking help, and paying for it, if necessary. You'll be surprised how much you will benefit from professional help. You will put your life back on the rails again. But, of course, this assumes one important thing. BOTH of you must WANT to save your marriage.

It's so easy to be divorced. Millions have done it, you'll say. True. But no matter what people say outwardly, they always hold a divorced person in a slightly lower esteem. Whereas a couple who worked to save their marriage against heavy odds is always admired.

The decision is yours. But your question indicates you both want to save your life together. Get back with each other. Try to REASON out the disagreements (of which there will be plenty in every marriage) rather than ARGUE them out. DON'T GO FOR ANOTHER CHILD JUST YET. Sort yourselves out first, and only after another two or three years, when you feel you are stable with each other, decide to bring a child into this world and give him/her a happy home and sound upbringing. I only hope age is not against you.

If you need more help, feel free to email me. Good luck and God help.

Answer 2

I think both of you are in turmoil right now. Is there any chance of you two getting couples counseling together? It might help to have a neutral third party guiding you in sorting things out. Without knowing much about your relationship, I would venture a guess that if things between you two were so bad you decided to terminate your pregnancy, perhaps you guys are really incompatible; maybe you would be better off apart. Yes, any relationship takes work, but it should be more like building a house than running into a brick wall over and over.

Keeping a journal has helped me sort out my feelings in the past; also, it helps talking things over with friends or family members who know you well. Good luck in making your decision.

Answer 3

Honestly sweetie?? Theres a good chance the reason the little romaticies are gone because you two have gotten comfortable with each other. Like maybe he feels that he doesn't have to say i love you or do the things to show he loves you because he feels like you two know just by being with each other... tell him! Tell him that you love him adn you know he loves you but its not that you need his undivided attention but sometimes you still need to be reassured. That its nice and its almost scary that you've become so comfortable with him already. That you've never been in this stage of a relationship. That you still crave him to do the things he used to do... if you can't talk to him about it then its up to you to get the things back in there. You know he's been working hard in his classes so the next day he has off plan a relaxing romantic day... a picnic lunch on the beach(it theres one close) followed by a sweet massage. Followed by cuddling. if he's working hard in college then its up to you to work hard at keeping the relationship together right now. You can't ever ask him to put you infront of his education and make sure he knows you know that his college is priority. The more you pour yourself into him the more you'll stop thinking about this other guy. if you love your BF, you'll want to make the effort

Answer 4

This is what is called a "Love / Hate Relationship" If it makes you feel any better. "There is no place for a kid, or extended families in this kind of a relationship." Now that leaves the two of you, well put on your boxing gloves and wear your best smile and keep slugging it out with each other till you'll have knocked out the 'Hate' from the relationship...then and only then get back together and start a family. Give yourselves a time frame; say six months to do this. The other option is for both to move on.

Answer 5

I actually think you made a wise decision, aborting your child when your relationship was on the rocks - you obviously made a conscious decision that you could not raise a child under such a situation. The amount of children that are neglected due to parent's disinterest is disturbing. Anyways, I think you guys need to seriously talk this out to see whether or not getting back together is in both of your best interests. If he is going to hold the decision about aborting your child over you, then you need to make sure that is in your thought process when you are deciding whether or not to move on.

Answer 6

sad,i think sometimes in troubled marriages if you have kids it gives a positive energy to it .you try to work it out for the kids sake and try to ignore your personal differences.parenting becomes your major role. anyway its my opinion. now you should move ahead and leave the past behind and start afresh. if he wants divorce i don't think he would send u a card.its his EGO working here.he wants you and at the same time doesn't want to show that he is dying to be with you. it happens. did you send a thank you card to his greeting? you should do it. its not that he's is giving you a chance both of you r giving a chance to your marriage to work out.make it clear to him.if you still love him and you think that even he still loves you then you should meet and clear all the problems which led to this stage.you can involve someone you both trust and know you both well.good luck.let me know what happens.its very easy to break it takes many years to make any relationship strong and lasting.i m saying this with fifteen years of experience as a married woman.

Answer 7

I am not judging you but why abort the baby? Wat was its fault? You're having problem with your hubby, you deal with it. How can you said you had to abort it having its future in mind. No one can predict the future. I really pity the baby. Life lost before being born cos of 2 matured people who're unable to make up thier mind if they want to stay together or apart. I am sure if u had decided to keep the baby, your parents and family wud have supported you. Anyway wats the point now, u can never turn back the clock. Bout you and your hubby, no comments

Answer 8

I'm not gon judge you as you have the right to do what you feel is best and until someone is in your shoes they shouldn't pass judgement . I think you and he need to separate and get to know yourselves alone before you try to be a couple. It sounds like your relationship is full of resentment and you guys need to work it out alone before you decide to do anything as a couple. Do some serious re=evaluating, good luck!

Answer 9

he loves you,being egoistic is not abnormal for any man,He might have hurt & trying to keep relations on.
If he is giving a chance ,you can also give a chance.

having another child is totaly based on how financially you are secured.

If financially not secured, make a base then go for.take commitment from your hubby bcos he is also responsible for child's future.

Best of luck

Answer 10

This relationship sounds doomed. Too much drama! You sound too young to have a husband and family anyway. Move on! Find a man that will be your best friend and lover and always be there for you. This one won't.