Marital issues - Leave or Stay?

Question

I have been married for 16 years, 3 kids. I have been criticized, nagged at, and yelled at the whole time. Told to change, don't talk too loud, don't have too many friends, don't change jobs, don't drink, don't spend $, don't volunteer my time. I make more $ than he does. I am more ambitious and successful. We live rather well. But nothing I do is good enough. Over time I have quit everything - no friends, no drinking, no life. I feel like I have had the life sucked right out of me. And I get blamed for everything! I just quit drinking wine... thought that would make him happy. Nope, still getting criticized. Now I am done. I want to separate, but he won't leave. And he won't come to therapy with me. Refuses. So what should I do? I told myself I would wait till youngest graduates, but that is 9 years! I don't think I can hold on that long...

Answer 1

Honestly....get up and walk away. Me and my wife was in the same situation and I honestly tried to control her. She got tired of it and one day I came home from work and she was gone. She moved out and left me high and dry. I was lonely as hell and begged and pleaded for her to come back. We where separated for about a year. We are still separated, but we are trying to work things out. Going out on little dates here and there, going to counseling and etc. I have changed a lot, due to the fact that the love of my life walked out on me, because of my controlling behavior. I can't believe it took her walking out on me to realize that I was treating her so wrong. I regret everything I said and done to her. Remember this saying..."You never miss a good thing until it's gone." Make your husband realize that.

Answer 2

Marriage is a 2 way street. You can't make it or break it by yourself. If you've gone so far as to strip yourself of your independancy, I beleive you are with the wrong person. The right one won't ask or expect you to change and they wouldn't want to take everything away from you. Some people are just overbearing with control and can not be pleased. If this has been going on a long time and you've done all you can do to make him happy, probably the children aren't happy either and you'd be doing all of you a favor by leaving. You go file for divorce and with the kids, more than likely he'll have to leave and you and the kids will get the house. let him go try to please himself. Life is too short to let people take advantage of you or take you for granted. If you're in a relationship with that much disrespect, you should think more of yourself and realize that you deserve better. And so do the kids! If your kids live in that kind of atmosphere, how do you think it will effect the way they will be in relationships? Emotional abuse is forever! It effects everyone and NO-ONE deserves that!!

Answer 3

Why did you stay so long? You need to separate ASAP! If he doesn't leave then find a good lawyer. If you can pack up and go then do so. You better hurry and get this expedited. You don't want your kids to pick on the bad habits that's being displayed in that house. Don't throw the rest of your life on this marriage. You need a life without the stress and drama and someone dictating to you. That's no how that works. You are worth more than what he's giving you.

Answer 4

#1 WOW your husband is a control freak

#2 He is a VERY jealous man, of course he doesnt want you to have a life and he nags and controls you because thats a way for getting back at you since you are so successful and make more money than he does. He has a HUGE EGO. So putting you DOWN makes him feel better about himself.

#3 You deserve a life and you deserve happiness.

#4 If he wont leave then YOU have to leave. Take your kids and just go. Buy a house somewhere or rent an apartment. Just pack your things and your kids and go.

#5 STAND up for yourself!!! How dare your husband belittle you and treat you wrong! Your his wife and he should support you and want the marriage to work.

#6 Have you talked to him to see what his problem is? He cant walk all over like you a doormat!!

#7 If you really want your marriage to work then your gonna have to fight for it. If your husband doesnt want the marriage to work then your just going to have to get a divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage work and hes not cooperating at all. I dont reccommend divorce usually because this thing can be worked out, but he just not cooperating at all.

Ask him if he still wants to be married to you or not.

#8 Take action and pray! If you need to vent or some one to talk to just IM or email me! Best wishes!

Answer 5

I have no idea why you didn't leave years ago, so I don't know what else to recommend other than just leaving if you feel you need to. There had to have been a good reason why you felt this man was suitable for you to marry and have three kids with; if this reason (whatever it might be) no longer applies, and all that's left are negatives - then I wouldn't blame you for wanting to call it quits. If he "won't leave" - you, yourself, leave; call an attorney and file for divorce.

Answer 6

If you are that miserable, how do you think the children feel? Wether you realize it or not the kids pick up on the tension also. If you have tried everything and he's not willing to try anything then what more can you do? You are only one and a marriage takes two. You can not do it alone. If you wait until the youngest graduates then not only are you dragging yourself through it you are also dragging them right along with you. Not only that, it will be another 9 years of your life gone.
God wants more for his children. Pray on it and put it into Gods hands and let God guide you.

Answer 7

Your life is going away while you wait for more harraassment. Show your children that you value yourself and won't accept being treated like that by anyone-not even their father. Your sons are learning this is how you treat women-you don't want your boys treating their wives like that, do you?

You said you earn a decent living. Go find yourself a new place to live, tell your husband you're moving the next day, and leave.

Answer 8

Leave... absolutely... you have created a family environment that is not only poisonous to you and your self esteem but to your children's as well... before you do... discuss it with your children... after all this involves them too. do it as a family because it's not just about your husband and you... It's a scary... scary thing... leaving ... deciding that your mental and physical well being is important... It's also important for your children to understand your motives... they are not so young that they won't or can't understand. talk to them individually... then as a group... expalin your perpective to your husband... in a thoughtful unprovocative manner through a letter so he can't get defensive... Have you ever heard the term "we teach people HOW to treat us"? sounds a bit like I'm accusing you... I'm not... You took his abuse and in so doing let him know you would take it... you gave inch after inch... until today... So walk out by all means... OR stand up to the bully and put yourself back in the game... You loved him once... adored him enough to bear him children... saw something in his eye that told you to stand before your friends and family and vow "forever" with this man... Every one ought to know... Forever isn't eternity...it just feels that way when you reach the last straw... Yessss.... you should leave and create a more compassionate home life for your children... No you should stay...and try to help the man you loved... see that you are more than a Nanny, housekeeper, bedmate... you are an intelligent woman with feelings and that you too were someone he once loved...loved enough to promise before his family and friends to care for you and to love you... forever.

Good Luck... The most important thing to realize is that significant and drastic changes need to be made.

Answer 9

He is the classic controller. You will never be able to satisfy his need to control, so regardless of what behavior you change, it will not be good enough. He needs the help. You need to set up a small nest egg for yourself that he does not know about. You want a glass of wine, drink a glass of wine, if you want friends, have friends and let him complain. He may not leave, you may have to leave, just let him know that when you do, you are taking your money with you. He probably can not maintain where he is without your income and will see the light pretty quickly. You need to get the lawyer and make the decisions, do not let him bully you into anything. Be strong and start living and not just being his puppet.

Answer 10

If he won't get therapy with you, then go alone. YOU certainly need someone to talk this out with.

If it were me (and it WAS at one time), I would leave. I did. I took my son and just what I could carry (our clothes) and left. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do, but once it was done, life got better and better for me emotionally and psychologically.

Your husband has VERY low self-esteem and resents you for being more successful and affirmative than he is. No one needs that type of negativity.

Give him one more chance to get his act together and go to therapy with you, and if he refuses, then start developing an exit plan. Build a savings plan; find a support network; continue with private therapy (even family therapy for the kids - they WILL need it); find an attorney you trust and who will be aggressive with your case; shop around for a new living arrangement; set all of your financial affairs in order (get separate accounts and start paying for all living necessities with checks or money orders).

Good luck!!!