Why NOT tell the spouse you cheated? Selfishness?

Question

I'm recovering daily from spouse that was caught cheating....but what prompted me to ask this question was a previous question listed in the Marriage & Divorce section that was aking should he tell his wife that he cheated, if she doesn't know....It is scary to see how many people in the room would rather be selfish and not tell their spouses.....I

Ok...the cheating part is the selfish part of the act....but the not telling is DECEITFUL...BOTTOM-LINE. The pain will be there...I know the cheating got handed to me and I had to find out in her journal... Thank GOD she and HE were not in that house at the time...I was almost famous... I swear by it.

Answer 1

They really need to be selfless and tell their spouse they have dont this... This is the only right and fair thing to do.... I know I would want my spouse to be honest with me if he had done this to us and our marriage. Look at it this way how would you feel if your spouse cheated on you and did not tell you about it? Put yourself in your spouses shoes before deciding to hide and lie about things.

Answer 2

There are different reasons why spouses cheat and while none of them are morally right, this is something that will continue to happen. Many women cheat because of a lack of emotional bonding in their relationships. If the woman is not reassured that she is sexy, beautiful, tempting etc then she may seek that affection elsewhere. As well, some women cheat because the sex is just plain boring and they want excitement in their bedroom. For men, it's just a little more simple. Men who cheat usually have a great relationship with their wives. I have talked to men about this and they say that they cheat because the other women is a hot piece of ***. But basically, all pussy is the same. As well, I'm sure men cheat if their wives become repulsive and vice versa..

Answer 3

telling serves no purpose other than to deliberatly try to hurt or place blame upon the spouse. The person telling is doing so only to cleanse his/her OWN conscience. Either the person who cheated feels so badly about it that he will never do it again or they don't. If it's the former then telling will mean that both people need to heal and fix themselves instead of just the cheater. If it's the latter then the marriage is lost and they should just end it.

That being said...once the spouse knows about the transgression then the cheater should disclose all. It's the only way to start the healing process. Otherwise the spouse will always wonder what really happened.

Answer 4

Well, if one cheated one's already selfish; so how would it help the situation to tell your spouse? Would it miraculously make you "un-selfish"? Telling on yourself would be trying to fix a mistake by piling more mistakes on top of it, and it's never a good way to go. Some mistakes are meant to be kept quiet, learned from, and never repeated again - it doesn't always serve a good purpose to be trumpeting about your screw-ups on every corner. I agree that it would be an honest thing to do to tell your spouse if you feel that you can't remain faithful to them; but if you slipped once, and don't plan on doing it in the future - why open a can of worms?

Answer 5

Speaking from both sides of the fence. I say dont tell. IF you realized you really screwed up, and learned from it and promise yourself you'll never do it again, AND there is no way in hell your spouse will EVER find out via 3rd party. I cheated on my husband a few years ago and would have taken that secret to the grave with me, because I did all of the above, but bad karma hit me, and i found out he cheated on me recently, and to hurt him and "get even" i told him about my indiscretion. Depsite how bad his affair hurt me, nothing hurt worse than the look on his face when i told him what i did to him. He never told me about his mistake, i found out from his gf, that was a bad mistake on his part. See, i found out via 3rd party. Anyway, I suspected his affair, but didnt know for sure, and knowing what i know now, i would have rather have never found out, and in return never told him what i had done. Its just too painful. Some things are just better left unsaid. But thats just me. And i dont think its selfish, the cheating is selfish, but keeping it to yourself is not selfish. It spares so much pain and heart ache that can be easily avoided by either never doing it to begin with, or if that mistake has already been made, then realize what you are doing, STOP it immidiately, and promise yourself to never do it again.

Answer 6

You know some people are QUICK to tell, and say sorry. They do it out of selfishness. They figure it is just words. They get it off THEIR chest, and now the poor spouse has deal with it.
It actually makes it easier to leave because now they can say it is the spouses fault for not being able to forgive.
I don't think telling, or not telling is a sign of selfishness. I think it is the CHEATING that says it all.

Answer 7

think the person who doesn't tell their spouse, is the one who loves their spouse the most. not wanting to hurt the spouse. usually when someone tells they also run the risk of their marriage ending so these are the people who love their spouse, some may think that the truth will set u free, but it may end the relationship as well. if he doesn't tell her, it means he is ashamed of what he has done, and doesn't want his marriage to end, means he may want to spare his wife the hurt. means he may not want his marriage to end. telling forces him to make a choice between mistress and wife. telling makes it real and not fantasy. no good can come of telling. should only tell if your ready to leave the marriage, and even then someone is going to really be devastated. in my case i would have rather believed he just wanted to end the marriage, for whatever reason, but he had to rub my nose in it, blame me for it, and make it known she existed, just made me hurt alot more than i needed to.

Answer 8

In a way, it is selfish to tell that you cheated because you feel better for having unloaded your guilty conscience. Your husband or wife feels like sh**. If you are pretty sure that they will not find out, why tell them unless you want to break up?

Answer 9

I totally agree with you. I did cheat on my wife once, and instead of her finding out from someone else, I told her, yes it hurt her. Yes it caused major trust issues. But she forgave me, we went through marriage counceling and overcame those issues. The fact that we put God at the center of our marriage has really helped us alot to get past what happened. I'm ashamed of what I did. And it's something that I'm sure may haunt me the rest of my life. But I take comfort in the fact that my wife has forgiven me for it and we have been able to move on.

Answer 10

I'm not surprised at all. It shows more than selfishness, it shows disrespect. How can you say you love a person and cheat?