im giving up......?

Question

i have known my partner 4 10 yrs and we have been together 4 about a yr. hes ex had at least 4 affairs behind his bk. i really love him but i feel that whatever i do just isnt good enough. sometimes i feel that if i express how i feel about us/her/relationship i get ignored or he sticks up for her as she is the mother of his 2 girls. i just want 2 b happy. surely thats not 2 much 2 ask for. it does irritate me when she rings and is all nicey nicey because sometimes im sure he forgets what she did. i understand they have history as i do with my daughters father. i feeling like giving up and living a life with just me and my daughter. i do love him and want it 2 work but feel like im hitting a brick wall every turn i take. please someone help me. im at my wits end. im sorry 2 go on but dont really have anyone 2 explain how i feel 2. thankyou x

Answer 1

I imagine myself running into this problem when I start dating again. My ex and I work very hard to maintain the best relationship we can for our children's sake. We do birthdays together. We do Christmas together. We sit together at the TBall games. We make sure that our children know that, while we don't live together anymore, we are their parents, and will always work together in raising them. Therefore, my ex and I have a lot of contact with each other.

Whomever I start to date someday will have to realize that, while I am in no way interested in my ex, I will likely talk to her often concerning my two girls. If that person cannot handle it, then it is not meant to be. If this future person also has children, I will be understanding of any contact with her ex concerning their children. Or, if she doesn't, that is ok as well. I will also let that person know that I will not be the father to those children. i will be their friend, and will gladly be a part of their lives, but I will not be their father.

These are things you have to look at when getting involved with someone who has children with someone else. And, it isn't until they are 18, but for life. Even when my children are adults, we will have to cooperate with each other. When one of my daughters, say, has a child, I am sure me and my ex will be at the hospital. She will see her Mom and her Dad there. Whether or not any step parents are there as well is beside the point. Her parent's will be there supporting her together.

Answer 2

Some men do feel a woman that have had their children are special to them no matter what they do. It's not the women it's really the kids. He may go about it all the wrong way but his focus is on the fact that she has the kids with her. He wants them to have the best of care so he may treat her in a way that may seem a little to speical for you. I wouldn't worry about his and her relaitonship because if he wanted to be with her he would be there but he's with you. Sometimes we have to look at the situation on a different level to understand it better. You have only been with him a year. Give it more time and try not to let her call and upset you which might be her real purpose. So don't feed into it. If she was as nicey, nicey as you claim, he would still be there. Look at the situation for what it is. Don't be tricked out of this relationship by her. She wants you gone. You can clearly see this. And she is using him to help you out the door. If you leave you need to leave because of a reason you two couldn't make it, not anthing she did or said. The brick wall that you are hitting it's only because you are allowing her to build it. Take this brick wall down brick by brick and build this relationship on a more solid foundation. You know what it takes to have a relationship so make it happen. Stop blaming him for his actions and put your family plans into action. Live this day on for you and your family. He does know you are worth everything to him he just feels caught up. Help him to understand what she is doing. Don't argue with him or he will check out. Have soul to soul conversations and you will see things turning around soon. Fight for the love you feel for it's only what you put into it that will come out of it. Good luck. Don't give up. Do give your family a chance.

Answer 3

Trout, why does it make you feel so depressed that your partner is nice to his ex?
Are you jealous, because you don't enjoy the same friendly relationship with your own ex?
Do you feel in competition with her?
Would you rather they row and give each other a bad time, and have your ex moan about his ex to you?
Would THAT make you feel better?
It's true as you say, they share a past; They have been in love at some point, they have had children.
Besides, if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn't need to be with you.
But what I'm saying is you need to work on the reasons why you are so angry and pained because your partner and his ex are friendly.
I don't have anything against my ex husband's partner, and I actually wish that despite our differences, we could have an amicable relationship, or at least an acceptable one, for the good of the children and because, quite honestly it's stressing, annoying, depressing and unbearable to always be in a fight with someone you once loved and with whom you shared so much.
You don't have to love each other, but some respect and communication would be much appreciated.
Calm down and work out why you are reacting like that.

Answer 4

Your partner is with you and there should be a line drawn under his previous relationship. If things are wrong between you, you need to pin him down to discuss it but don't harp on about his ex because that is below the line. If he is indifferent to his ex, he will be able to be nicey nicey with her - that's good for the childrens sake and shows you have no need to worry about his feelings for her. Concentrate on the 'now' and forget the 'was'. Be happy!!

Answer 5

This guy is going to be involved with his ex at least until his kids are 18. Are you willing to take this on?
If your partner is treating you with love and respect, you need to accept the fact that he had a life before you. She's (the ex) not going to go away.

Answer 6

Ur situation is difficult, if you love him as it appears you do you must sit down and tell him how you feel and come to a compromise.As far as her behaviour is concerned we are all human,we all make mistakes and we all desrve the right to start over, yes she has hurt your partner and yes you should be annoyed but the most important thing that you are missing is that if your partner is prepared to forgive her you are with a truly exceptional human being.

Answer 7

I'm not sure what you want your partner to do. Do you want him to stop speaking to his ex? He can't do that - he has to put his children first.

And his ex - do you want her to be nasty on the phone rather than nice? What good would that do?

I have to say I think you're the one who has to change here. STOP talking to him about his ex. That will get you nowhere. Stop being jealous and needy, or you may drive him away.

Concentrate on trying to make your relationship work.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but, as I say, I don't really see what your problem is.

Answer 8

Trout...the best reply you got to your post was TATTOO980, so very mature in his opinion, but also direct and to the point...and quite obviously correct too. May i suggest saving his answer, so that every time you feel like giving up, feel like you are running into that brick wall of yours, and feel at your wits end, you read his reply and gain strength from it.

Answer 9

It sounds like to me that he may still have feelings for her, and she knows she could have him back if she wanted. Esp. if he takes her side every time something occurs. Try expressing your feelings to him again if he ignore you again my best advice is to move on because maybe, just maybe he's using you as a rebound until she returns

Answer 10

hi i am no expert but i would say your partner has not got over the ex i think what i would do is state my case and give the option that you are there for always if you want but if you can not get your act together for my own sanity i would prefer you leave and let somebody elselove me as i am