Please help with my essay??????

Question

I have posted my essay on my yahoo 360 blog
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-jk6t97E6baeVNfuUpENdCzA-;_ylt=AlB0KFyshPGlhqNyFIJSpNusAOJ3?cq=1

Please read it and help me fix what you think will make it better, pick a title and find my thesis.


Thank you.

Answer 1

I didnt read the whole thing, but here is your intro...

Would you(try not to use you in essays or any personal pronouns) rather build a one hundred story building or destroy it? Building includes time and PATIENCE, destroying only seconds to trigger the explosives. Which sounds more fun? To one person building might be fun while, destroying the building may bring someone else happiness. The game of love is similar in that it may bring joy to one person but, the person next to you may enjoy the game of hate or pain. Just as a building needs a strong foundation to support it over time, love although time consuming creates a foundation that joy can stand on for years to come; hatred and destruction stem from impulse, but the vengeful joy they bring lasts only moments.

Answer 2

So your thesis is "The game of love may bring joy to one person but, the person next to you may enjoy the game of hate or pain."? If I were you I would change this a bit so that it is one solid argument, yours is in the passive voice so it is not as strong. Also, instead of saying someone enjoys the game of hate and pain I would suggest that love is not meant for everyone not that they are necessarily evil people who thrive in hurting others. Your arguments suggest that not being in love is not intentional, it is due to other causes (loving someone else..) but notice they are still loving.

Keep working on it, it sounds pretty good so far you just have to make a few points a little stronger/clearer. Good luck

Answer 3

I think your thesis should be Can you break a heart and destroying a building. You title should be Love me like a rock?