How long is this going to take?

Question

This is the first time I have completly fallen for someone. I love him unconditionally but there are times when I get so damn frustrated with him. He has an issue with jealousy. He gets his *** up on his back anytime he thinks I'm talking too long or looking at a guy for too long. He gets pissed and quiet and throws himself a damn pitty party. I tell him that I'm not trying to make him mad intentionally and he eventually accepts that and we move on. Yet!.....he can look at a female, I'll catch him, make a joke of it and we move on.

Sometimes I just want to smack the crap out of him. He's come a long way since we met and we're moving in together this summer, but good grief how long does it take a man to trust a woman after they were burned years ago? Or is that not even it. Do most men have this tendancy?

What are some things or words of encouragement I can give him to ensure him that I'm not out to hurt him? I tell him I love him, that he's important to me, that I am content with him and his daughter being in my life. Any ideas? Or do I just need to let him work it out on his own?

Answer 1

The only thing you can do is be patient with him, love him, and re-assure him at every opportunity, that he is the only man in the world you want, or would even consider. It will take a LONG time for him to trust again if he was seriously hurt. It CAN happen, but it won't be easy, nor quick.

Answer 2

Truth be told, a guy like him will never get over it ... he wants the cake and the icing but he wants you to not have the luxury of the same thing. AKA: the looking. Looking is normal, touching, when in a relationship isn't.
This man has issues and if I were you, I would hold off moving in until he has resolved his own baggage.
Jealousy is a slow eater of a person's self worth and can destroy relationships and devastate anyone in the way, even close friends.
Before you make that commitment, see how he progresses first, or somewhere down the road, you will experience a pain inside yourself that will put you on the defensive with others and perhaps even doubt your own self worth.
That's not worth having or dealing with.
Good luck, but hold off on moving in ... maybe sit down and talk about this straight away ... let him know you can't live with someone that reacts the way he does.
Looking is healthy ... means your human :)

Answer 3

Ouch. He sounds like my ex boyfriend. I left him after 3 months or so, and he was the exact same way your boyfriend is. He came off a really bad relationship, he was cheated on. But he would always be very jealous towards me, always overly sensitive and paranoid. I hate to tell you this, but it's not about the trust that's the problem: He has an emotional problem. He needs to see a counselor about this. I would suggest that you both go to a couple's therapist before you move in with him, because you seem very frustrated with this as well. Let him know that you love him and that you want to help him with this as much as you can, but he needs to put effort behind it too; just like in all relationships, it should be an equal effort. Good Luck.

Answer 4

There are no words of encouragement. What you have here is a control issue. He is making a double standard and you need to put your foot down. He is already start to train you in what you can and can not do. He gets upset when you look or talk to a guy for longer than HE thinks you should. At what point did you give him the right to decide how long you can talk to someone?

Get him to understand this is not acceptable or you are in for some rude awakings.

Answer 5

You don't say how long is "too long". It's hard to tell without that. I usually go by the guideline of how much would I consider OK if he were talking to or looking at another woman. If after consideration you still think he is being unreasonable, then try leaving him little notes in unexpected places. Or if you see an attractive guy, move in a little closer to your man to let him know you aren't going anywhere. Try to look for opportunities to show him you love him. Sometimes it's the actions that do more good than talking.

Answer 6

If he gets sullen and withdrawn for you just LOOKING at someone, what will he do in the future? Look Out. This guy is immature and controlling and will never be anything but a handful of trouble. He has more baggage than you'll ever be able to clear up and you'll be constantly defending yourself against his unrealistic expectations. What's next? Walking three steps behind him and never raising your eyes off the ground? Cut your losses and move on to someone who will trust you and is willing to build a relationship that is mutually satisfying. You deserve better treatment than he will ever give you.

Answer 7

just tell him your not the woman who hurt him, that u are with him because he is special to u, and u chose him. he is insecure and immature, and lets his ego get in the way. if a man was hurt before sometimes he hasn't resolved it, and still there may be a feeling of inferiority that maybe he doesn't deserve u, or that u might leave him as the other woman did. what happens in our past does seem to determine how we act in our future, especially if it was a bad painful breakup. he also sounds a little bit of a controller, not wanting to share u with anyone, wanting all of your time, and energy to be his. may have something to do with something that occurred in his childhood, where he didn't get the love he should have from a parent, leaving him insecure.

Answer 8

He's going to have to fix his own jealousy. Realize that it may be a permanent part of his personality. Will it be OK if it never changes or goes away?

Keep in mind, many people use jealousy to control the other person.

A good website for learning acceptance of others is below, if he's interested in improving. Good luck!

Answer 9

you could let him work it out on his own but better yet, tell him to get over it or you're gone. Jealousy is not cool, you don't want to end up being a statistic. He's obviously insecure and I would certainly not move in with him, at least until he changes (if that's possible) It's your life just be careful hon.

Answer 10

Hey i know what you are going threw my boyfriend is is about the same almost he went threw a bad devoice and he is always dogging women and it really hurts me and he says well i am not dogging you and i just tell him well their are a lot of men out thier that will cheat on women just as women cheat on men but i am not one of them ..i have to reassure him all the time and i have to give him his space and it DOES TAKE TIME ..if you love him and really want him in your life you have to be patient ..and do some thing really nice for him and his daughter just to let him know you really do care ..but if he dont do the same for you maybe it is his own fault and it is something he needs to work out on his own .you have to reliaze men take longer to heal than women ..Why i dont know i still have issues with Trust some times becuase my ex cheated on me and i caught him doing it and ..i still have a hard time thinking thier is still good guys out thier that are not all liers or cheaters ..but you have to keep that reassurance going for a long time ..he needs to relize you are not giving up on him and you are thier with him and not with some one else ..becuase you do have that choice you dont have to stay with him and his daughter you could move on to some thing easier ..but you dont you love and care for him and you are thier for him every day ..But if he does not wake up in a year or 2 maybe you could talk about it then and see where you are at .

Good luck
Tina