Who is to say whats right and whats wrong?

Question

I have made many decisions in my life that are wrong. This one is not really wrong if I follow my heart, right? I became involved with a man that was 12 years older than me. It was great until we started having children. I worked in a club and he kept me there by getting us into debt and just plain being irresponsible. His brother was the DJ at the club and so he am I were together evryday all day and sometimes after work while we waited for him to come pick us up, we would stay late and drink. His brother had come on to me a few times but I never thought anything of it. Well after my boyfriend and our relationship deteriorated more and more, his brother made me feel beautiful and important and everything else. We ended up having an affair. Yes that was wrong but at the time it felt right. Well their sister stole my phone one day and found some texts. She then made me feel like I had to sleep with her and her husband to save their marriage. SO I DID. Now the husband is in love with me.

Even though I slept with them it became fun and I got caught up in the moment. While everyone thought bad of me, the husband talked to me like a real person. He listened and validated my feelings. He wanted me to get a better life and encouraged me. He believed in me and helped me in vast ways. What I have done is wrong, yes but the husband and I pursued a relationship. I had never been in love before until I met him. The only thing is that I can't possibly tell you all the dirty details of this whole thing for you to understand, but at this point I have moved into my own condo. I got away fromthe physical and mental abuse from my former 10 year relationship. The brother and I don't even talk but the husband has come clean to his wife and my former boyfriend. The wife is fine with the fact that he wants to be with me and she still talks cordially to me. My former boyfriend is taking anger management classes and we are in therapy for all of the trauma we caused each other. HE wants me.

I told him the whole truth about everything and he is willing to work it out with me. The thing I am afraid of is his controlling ways and the physical abuse. I am currently working a great job and supporting myself. The children don't know anything except that he and I are seperated. My daughter doesn't want us to get back together because she is afraid. I am trying to break the cycle and let her know that it is not ok for a man to abuse you. I dont expect for any of you to understand but the heart makes you do foolish things. I am just like everyone else, I am looking for happiness. My life has been hell from day one but I am trying to make the most of it. Who do I chose? If my former boyfriend is willing to go thru all this and change should I try to work things out for my family or should I follow my heart and chose the only person I have ever truly loved? It was never my intention to hurt anyone and at the time I was just doing what I was getting away with.

Like I said before, I don't expect any of you to understand but if you could please give me HELPFUL answers instead of judgmental ones then I would sincerely appreciate that!

I am really trying to make a life changing decision! I mean I really didn't expect for things to take this turn and no one is saying that I am proud of what I have done. I just want to be happy and I think I am on the right path! I live with my children, the two oldest ones are excelling at school. I am a very loving mother and I am trying to teach them values. Especially my 7 year old daughter. I have not gotten with the man I love because my former told me that if I do he will take the children. My lover claims he can't do that and I could take him to court but I don't want to mput the children through that. I feel like I have screwed up my personal love life, but as far as the kids I am proud of them and their accomplishments. I do put them first and like I mentioned, they know nothing about any of this. I just want to be HAPPY.

Answer 1

You've got wayyyyy too much drama going on in your life. Your life looks like a, "reality soap opera". Yeah, you made a lot of bad decisions and it's going to take time to get things straightened out. In the meantime, you might want to change some of you're sleeping habits. From your info, it sounds like you enjoy what you're doing.... Do you really want to change your situation, or justify having another bed partner? I'll never understand why people ask questions they already know the answer to! From what I see, it looks like you're using gasoline to put out a fire...... LMAO

Answer 2

Okay first of all calm down, life has a way of working out. Your husband can take your kids away, that is a fact. However if he has a temper problem and you are involved with someone else the judge would not hestitate to take the kids and put them in a home so you need to stay away from men and women, if you really want your kids. It sounds like you are finally on the right track. Yes I know its hard I have been there however it will work out. After you take a deep breath you can contact legal aid. They will help you as far as divorce and with your children. If your afraid of your husband then you need to go with your gut instinks. God put a little fear in us for protection. After you have gotten some legal advice then I would continue on the same road your own. Work and provide for your kids till your divorce is over, if whichever one it was, I got lost in the details, if he loves you, then he will be there in the end. If not then it was not meant to be. You also should get involved in a God fearing Jesus believing church. Dont mean that judgemental either however Jesus would never judge you. Good luck

Answer 3

Sansfear said it all! Might I add that who you should choose is YOUR CHILDREN, above both men!

Since you now have your own place, your life [for a change] should stay centered on them.

You need to take a breather from relationships of any kind until you learn to stop looking for love [and maybe you don't realize it but love begins at home, i.e. within self] in all the wrong places.

You want validation - give it to yourself - find it in being a loving mother - a good employee

Reach and aim higher as you select friends - choose people with better values and develop better ones yourself.

The 'heart' is not to blame for your errors in judgement. Try some counseling so you can discover why you have chosen self destructive paths and commit to giving yourself a break and develop the best in YOU and work on discarding a lot of the less than best.

Move on Sweetie

Answer 4

Don't care about what the world says, none of them have the right to be judgmental. Our religion, in fact every religion teaches us that you can only throw stones, literally or verbally, if you have never done any wrong in your life, I don't think any of us can claim that, can we?
I respect you as a mother, who is putting the welfare of her children before her own feelings.
If as you say your daughter is afraid of your boyfriend and that he abused you, I don't think any court will grant him custody. I'll say don't give in to emotional blackmail. Take your children in confidence, not about all this, just tell them that you are in love with someone and would like to get together with him. I am sure they will support you. And don't rush into anything let the children and the man you love get to know each other, understand each other, then I am sure you'll have the life that looks like a distant dream right now. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Everyone makes mistakes in there life noone is perfect. What you need to do is take some time and do some soul searching, find out who you really are and work on making you a better person for you and your children. As for the returning to the children's father. That is a negative don't make yourself vulnerable to the whole situation again. Don't you think you deserve better? What you were living was like a forever ferris wheel ride always going round and round. It's time you stepped off the ride and left the park.

Answer 6

Everyone deserves to be loved and understood while being treated as a person. Yeah you did some wrong things but it seems like at the end of it all you were happy with the husband of the sister. if he left her and he wants to be with you then why not pirsue that. But if he didn't leave her then you should move on with your life and find someone new. Someone who will respect you as a person and love you for who you are. If you want to succeed in life you have to make things happen for yourself don't let other people dictate the decisions that you make for you and your children!

Answer 7

WOW, I'll tell you, you really got yourself into a pickle there. I'm not judging you, your just following your heart. But that's why we have a brain too, its supposed keep your heart in check and decide whats realistic and whats not. I think that you just need to walk away from this twisted mess and start over. Its not saying much for the other husband if hes willing to break up his marrage for you. Chances are, he's going to cheat on you or leave you in the future. If your former abused you, you really need to stay away from him. I'm a guy and I'm a firm believer in the one strike rule. If a guy hits a woman, strike one, your done. You've been through the whole family, and it sounds like they're all delusional. My advice is to start over with someone completely new and follow your heart but listen to your brain too.

Answer 8

Oh my oh my - what a fix you got yourself in.
It is easy for all of us out here to say what you should or
should not do.
As an outsider, I would say' TIME OUT'. Have some ME
time and concentrate on yourself and carry on being the
good mother that you are. Make a conscious effort not to
be involved with anyone at the moment. Get your life back
on track without the other people who seem to have put you
in a lot of turmoil. Hope everything goes okay because
ultimately only YOU can help yourself!! Good Luck.

Answer 9

sorry for the speling errors pleas forgive the spell checker froze i think i killed it.Ok wow this is by far the hardest and most detailed question I have faced but Ill try.:) how long have you gone without a man in your life? mabie you need a break.I know how hard it is to be allone and adding the responcabilitys of being a mom is allot to bear, You can do it though! the woman whoes man you are in love with may have gone through this before.She adds a partner for play and her man falls for her but after the sparks of lust fade and the compleatly new becomes a comforting friend then the new wears off and the situation changes he becomes board and eventualy goes back to his wife.Like a little boy running home to mama.I know you probably are offended by the thought. You love him Like no other. But think,this may be why his wife is not getting all worked up or mad at you and you need to learn that lust should not be a factor of love Yes you need to be compatable but you kind of make it sound like he did something no one else ever did, a new trick that you had heard of but never thought it could not or would not happen to you? you have been controled for the last ten years and as far as abuce goes IT IS NOT EVER ACCEPTABLE!!! you must make this a fact in your mind you do not diserve it You are worthy of respect and TRUE LOVE uncondishinal faithful love.Without this realiseation your children are doomed to repeat your mistakes!All may seem ok on the surface but patterens are forming and you cannot take that chance!To much is at stake.you may think they dont know but changes are happining in there world and they notice them all! so you seemed to some up your question as do you chose the old abuser or the new lover well the best answer is you should chouse to be allone and step back.Wait for your heart to coo dont think of this as you loosing a mate and a love but realise you need to learn allot you have kept your head in the sand for 10 years give your eyes a chance to see the sun othewise keep dealing with things the same old way or just become a s and m freak let the pattern of someone controling and hurting you then saying I love you move out of your living room and move it into the bedroom mabie you need to ascoceate pain with love. sorry i was so bitter there. but ive seen a lot of women who say they hate the abuse Hitting and taking appart there self assteam and faith in them selves only to return so many times endlessly it seams I have allot of empathy more than any other man i hav met (no I'm not gay) and my heart breakes to see the pattern of abuce acouple i know right now the man is in jail awating prision for 13 counts of domestic violence not one reported by her all from niebores and family.
Please learn to find love from within yourself then and only then can you realy love and be loved Please let me know your responce to my answer i put allot into it just go to my profile and get my contact info just a few words im not trying to manipulate you into a online affare honestly

Answer 10

Wow, you need to get as far away from that family as you can. Its too bad that kids are involved, because they could get caught up in the controlling behavior they all partake in.

My guess is that you are a good looking woman, who desparately needs to be loved. Unfortunately you got yourself hooked up with the wrong Family. It is obvious that they don't care about each other let alone you.

If I were you, I would continue to get my own life, and keep contact with any of them at a minimum. You have to deal with your ex husband because of the kids, but I would avoid any family get together etc.

You deserve more than guys who just want to bang you. It probably feels good to have people pay attention to you, but take it from me, I will be the nicest, most understanding guy in the world if I think I have a chance of banging a hot chick, but in the end its just a lay.

Sorry but just being honest. If you really want out of these types of situations, you can't go out with clubbers, the reason most of us go to clubs is to hook up. You also can't sleep with a guy too soon, that tells us you are easy and just a good lay.

If you just want to have fun and a good time then go for it, just make sure you aren't hurting or neglecting your kids and stay away from that using family.