what would you do?

Question

ive been going out with this guy for ages we are now engaged. hes 30 and im 20. his ex wife cheated on him after being married for 9 months. he now has a trust problem and evertime i want to go out clubbing with my mates he causes an argument so i dont go. he now says if i want to go out he will end the relationship. i have put up with alot from his past he has to lovely young girls one 7 and one 5. i love him and his children but i really dont know what to do. everything has to be his way. if we have a row and he goes i have to ring him cos he will never make the first move. he is currently living with me too. what advise would you give?

Answer 1

get out. he sounds more immature than u at 10 yrs older than u. if u can live with it for the rest of ur life (which i seriously doubt) then u can stay and try to suffer it out for hte next 30-40 yrs. otherwise pick someone that treats u as an equal or confidant rather than a master/submissive type of relationship

Answer 2

It sounds as though you guys aren't clicking or in snyc on the relationship boundaries and need for respect and personal rights and freedoms And it sounds as though you are not "demanding" to be treated fairly AND making sure he does it. Does he have any consequences if he does not treat you fairly and with respect and allot you your freedom and space? This, as it already is evident, will cause you to become an ABUSED woman. As you get older you will wonder "how did my life turn out this way?" Your man is treating you as if you gave him a reason to distrust you or as if his ex-wifes face is attached to yours. If neither of these are true then you either should decide if you want to continue this lifestyle or seek counseling but I think if YOU don't make a move and soon you are going to find yourself trapped due to whatever dependancy issues you may have whether it's not wanting to hurt the kids or some other kind of guilt or his financial help in your lifestyle or you watched your mum exibit this kind of lifestyle. It may be a hard choice but you are only obligated to yourself in a matter such as this since you are not married. Although you are young, you don't have to believe that you can't make it without this guy's money or whatever it is that is entrapping you in unhappiness. You are being emotionally abuse and emotionally blackmailed and manipulated, sweetie. You can STILL keep your relationship but prove to him that he MUST start respecting you and appreciating you at once!

Answer 3

Woah. OK, have you considered involving him in your clubbing nights so he could get to know your friends, the places you might go and the things you like to do? It must be scary for him thinking of his lovely young love dressed to kill out with all her lovely young girl friends. Maybe if he understood what a typical night would involve, he wouldn't worry so much. I personally think that if you are going to marry this man, you need to lay down some ground rules NOW. You don't want to hit 30 and realise you lost out on all your 20's fun because your partner is inflexible - other wise you might resent him.
You could always ask him what it is specifically that he is scared of, and then maybe you could come to some kind of compromise by exploring both your feelings together.
I don't know if this helps, but I really hope you find a way forward together.

Wishing you love and happiness! :)

Answer 4

all i can say is omg are you sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If it is i think you need to hold your wedding off for a while and go to couples counselling to work this out together. Another suggestion is if hes so insecure about you going out without him, invite him and a few hes friends to come along. that way he will see for himself that your not doing anything wrong and he may gradually learn to trust again. Another is if you fight and he leaves don't call him leave it for him to make the first move, as soon as he realises you aren't running after him he will make the first move. i know that's harder said then done but give it ago. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 5

in my opinion.. trust is the number one key in the relationship.. Somehow you have to try to change his mentality about what happen between him and his ex wife (who is a totally different girl from you). He does this because he knows he has the power.. Next time, when he argue with you, try to do this.. Just speak calmly and if he walks out the door, just let him. If he comes back, just say "hi honey, welcome home." Because honestly, to have such a great girl like you, men are not that stupid to lose someone because of his own damn pride especially if he is 30. I know it is hard, and I know it is very frustrating, but it works for me. In the end, if anything happen to you two, you have nothing to feel guilty about because you didn't argue or anything. And about the "callling who first" ... It should be a mutual relationship.. The frequency have to match so let hiim know that. And let him know that you are not his ex. If you want to go clubbing, go.. If he leaves, let him go because he has no where else to go. Just try it once. =) sorry if it is so long and i hope it helps. Goodluck sweetie

Answer 6

Well firstly, don't get married. He still has a lot of issues from his first marriage to deal with and it is unfair of him to take out his problems of trust on you. You have every right to go out clubbing with your friends when you want to. He doesn't own you. And to say he will end the relationship if you do go out is ridiculous. Where will it stop? Next thing will be him stopping you going out altogether whether it be day or night. You should put his threat to the test. Personally, i can't see this relationship continuing unless he changes his attitude.

Answer 7

You are only 20. Dump him, move on. He is 30 and needs to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt feel the need to go clubbing anymore. Simply put, you two are at different points in your life. You wanting to go clubbing is perfectly fine and him wanting to put limitations on you is not. Be a strong woman and refuse to put up with anyone trying to control you. You would not be doing yourself or him any favors by allowing this controlling behavior. Not to mention children learn how to have relationships by their parents' relationships. If these are girls do u want them to think men have the right to tell them how to live their life and if they are boys....well they'd be getting quite the lesson on how not to respect women. Let him sort through his trust issues on his own.

Answer 8

i would say that you are too young to be settled down, he is treating you like a house wife when you are a young lady and need your freedom. You need to go out wit your mates get very drunk and stumble home, thats the whole point in being a young adult, you dont need someone with issues taking that away from you. At the end of the day you have got to realise do you want to spend the rest of your life with a control freak? with him? Its your life you need to decide whats best for you. xx

Answer 9

He needs to settle the trust issues before he can move on in a relationship. I would advise you to ask him to go to counceling with you and try to help him through it. In the mean time, move him out so you each have a little more space to enjoy you life. He has a very hard road ahead, been there done that, it's really rough but he can get there with some help.

Answer 10

relationships are built on two things:
love and trust

he may love you but there's not much trust.
talk to him about it tell him how you feel about him, and how you feel about the way he's acting. if things get heated straight out ask him if he trusts you and tell him that you love him but if he does not trust you it's hard for you to see your future marriage going to work. and if he seems really worried invite him along to meet your friends so he sees there's nothing to worry about. they might even become his friends.

but there's one question i need to ask if the past is the past why doesn't he leave it there? why use it as an excuse and put you on a guilt trip all the time? this does not sound like a relationship that will sucsees(sorry) if this is hoiw you feel now, and this is how he treats you............i don't mean to judge, but.....you know

wish you all the best of luck