Why is it that when you have a man it feels like you're raising another child?

Question

I am so fed up with constantly having to get on him about getting things done around the house. For instance taking out the trash and not putting a new trah bag in the trash can or filling up the sugar bowl when it's empty. He always leaves everything half done. I'm tired of the whole routine and no matter what I say he disregards what I say and goes about it his way anyway. I'm so ready to stick my foot up his ***. I'm sorry I'm just so sick and tired of his crap. I don't want to hear anymore I know,or sorry I want action. Girls/Guys can you give me some ideas on how to get my point across. Much appreciated respectful answers please. I want to give him a rude awakening he'll never forget.

We've been together for eight years and we have two boys. He's still acts like a bachelor. I don't think he really wants togrow up! He's helpful when he feels like being helpful. It's hard when you have all these responsabilities and only one ofyou is taking it seriously and the other has a laid back attitude about. I'm the get it done and he's the it'll get done type. I have not had a moment to myself since my first child was born. He on the other hand has had one too many breaks and I want him to be more reproductive. He has changed somewhat but I guess he still doesn't see what all of the stress has done to me. I've changed always irratable and I don't want to be bothered with by him or the kids. I just want to be alone theses days. I need a seroius break cause a snapped really bad the other day. I mean really bad. It this really normal?

Answer 1

If the issue is not putting his laundry in the hamper, then don't go around collecting his laundry - then when he asks for a clean shirt remind him that you didn't see it in the basket so you didn't wash it.

If it's leaving his crap around the house, get a cardboard box and whenever he leaves crap around, toss it into the box. A few rushed mornings digging through a box-o-crap might make him want to find a proper home for his keys.

OR, you could try attracting flies with honey. When he takes out the trash, thank him sincerely (rather than say "it's about time, jerk!"). When you need his help with something, ask with kindness rather than come across as demanding.

Finally, realize that we ALL have our habits that can rub another person the wrong way. You might get tired of his leaving the toilet seat up, but he might be biting his tongue about the way you squeeze the toothpaste tube.

You said "I want to give him a rude awakening", which leads me to believe that you're feeling pretty resentful of him right now. I can understand that - been there, done that. BUT, then I think of my Mom. She and my Dad were married for 53 years. December would have been their 54th, but he passed at the end of summer. I think about how she'd LOVE to be able to complain about a left-up-toilet-seat.

Instead of being resentful for the downside, perhaps you could try harder to overlook your partner's faults and instead be grateful that he's in your life and loves you, and embrace the things that made you fall for him in the first place.

Good luck!



***Edit added after the original posted added some info***

As a Mom, you NEED and DESERVE some downtime. The mistake might be in you hoping he'll offer it. Instead, TAKE the time you need. (If he wanted to make plans for the weekend with his buddies, would he wait for you to read his mind, or would he say "I am planning on doing X this weekend?")

It's imperative that you make yourself a priority. Moms can find this VERY difficult to do - we tend to give and give to our kids, our partners, our families and friends, our jobs...and then, at the end of the day, IF there's any time and energy left, we give a little to ourselves. That is BASS-ACKWARDS! lol

I have worked a lot with moms suffering with postpartum depression and such, and my advice to them applies to you in this case. I've told those moms "you can't fill everyone's cup if you let your OWN well run dry". Meaning, you must take time to do things that lift YOU up, energize and rejuvinate and fulfill YOU. Otherwise you'll have NO energy to take care of everyone else.

Set up dates for yourself, as well as date nights with your partner. If you love books, make an appointment with yourself to visit the library or bookstore. When your partner gets home from work, sometimes it's ok to say "dinner's in the oven, take it out when the timer goes off, I'm going out for a while". He IS a grown man and a father - so it's OK to leave him alone with his children sometimes.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Try to seperate yourself from the situation. Inside yourself you take a step aside and look at it like a third person would do that is not involved. Analyse the facts and you and him. It is VERY IMPORTANT to leave out any feeling, especially blame (wich can be a very destructible). Ask what it is you want, if you are happy with the person itself, do you enjoy his company, what's your part to create the situation, ect. ect. and most of all be honest with yourself. Every answer brings up a new question. Write them down if nessecary, that helps me a lot, until in the end you brought it down the essence. Once you found that, there are only two things you can: Change the situation or your attitude towards it. But never forget; Whatever your conclusions are, nobody in the whole wide world has the right to force his/ her will onto another person.

Answer 3

When a man has been on his own for a while he is used to doing things his way. I have found that no amount of nagging will work, and it seems to have the opposite effect. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and what I mean is this: pick a few things that REALLY bug you and have a calm discussion about sharing the chores. Tell him what you will do and what you want him to do. And if he doesn't do it, no matter what, don't do it for him. Let the trash pile up or the sugar bowl stay empty or the dishes undone. He will get the point and do it himself. But you have to stick to your guns - if you are both old enough to be living together then he is old enough to pick up after himself.

I used this trick on my husband and it worked like a charm. Now he even bugs me to clean up my messes and I'm not really that messy! Talk about role reversal.

Answer 4

Some men and children do things wrong on purpose 'cause they know they won't have to do it any more. Some are just plain lazy.
And when the phrase "my way or his way" comes into it, that spells trouble. If a person is going to be very picky about how something is done, then they just need to do it themselves. Scotty put it right when he says you need to sit down when neither of you are angry or tired and talk this out. Try to agree on who does what chores. It should be about equal if you are both working outside the home. And if you find yourself nit-picking things like a sugar bowl, then you probably have other issues in the relationship you need to ferret out and examine.

Answer 5

Perhaps the problem is that you want to much out of your man and family. It has to be your way or the highway doesn't it. Sounds like you have too many rules and that is what is getting on your nerves. I am sure there are things that you do that get on his nervers. In the end, does it really matter if he doesn't fill the sugar bowl or replace a garbage bag? Sure, it matters to you and you probably stew about it all day long and make yourself miserable because you can't just let it go. To him, he doesn't know that your stewing over it and mad and he goes about his day without a care in the world. Let it go for your sake. Petty things like this will drive you crazy. Its like your keeping score, like "I replaced the toilet paper roll a dozen times and he only did it 2 times and thats not fair, thats not equal." Well, hunny, life aint fair and life isn't about keeping score. Its about doing things for the people you love becasue you love them. When you start keep score, your not in a relationship anymore. I am sure there are a lot of things that he does for you that you don't even think about and take for granted. Get over yourself, the world doesn't revolve around you and your rules!

Answer 6

Been there and it's not a happy existence. It's just.....well, an existence. My husband and I have two kids together. Having to ask him to do things and being inconsidered all these years have changed things for the worse. For example, it killed our sex life, for good, I'm afraid, the dynamic quickly changed from husband wife to wife and child, any good therapist would agree (been there too).
My routine response to him is "What ENTITLES you?" Getting angry and yelling has only empowered him to change the subject so the original issue I had with him becomes my crappy attitude. Sticking your foot up his wahzoo won't get you anywhere.
After twelve years of begging for change, 9 months of marital therapy, I made an appointment with a divorce mediator, he showed up and man did it change his tune fast....his world, as he knew it was about to implode and take him down....I've never seen someone transform in such little time.....things are much better now but it's an effort every day. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well, this is a toughie. First, be aware that giving him a "rude awakening" will likely backfire....I do not respond well to my wife's attempts to act like my mother; that's not why we married you.

On the other hand, I understand that things like that are frustrating, especially if done on a regular basis. I suggest you both sit down with an open mind and discuss all of the little things that tick you both off and both promise to be better at them. Don't go in with anger, go in with a "look, please do this, it drives me crazy when you don't. And, in return, I'll promise to stop doing XYZ". Getting angry at him wont help.

If he refuses to do anything about it (and you have honestly been better about the things you said you would), then more drastic measures are needed

Answer 8

Most men (all) are like this, because they all assume that because their mother as a female looked after them, that their partners as a female will also look after them. Miners and men that have been away from women for a while, and who have had to support themselves are usually a little better, but i always say, marriage is another word for instant child birth. Try asking him when his mother is coming over to clean up for him? or tell him that the day you need him to clean up after you will be the day you will clean up after him. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, tell him you cant have sex coz ur too tired from doing all the work. good luck.

Answer 9

Stop doing stuff for him......Stop cooking, cleaning and washing his underwear. Do your own laundry, cook for yourself and clean up after yourself. He may catch on when his belly is growling or goes for clean undies and has none. Then when he realizes these things, explain to him that you are done taking care of him. That you didnt take him to raise and unless he can start working with you instead of against you, he can fend for himself. See if he learns to appreciate the things you do daily, and see if he might have it in his heart to do the very small things you ask of him. It worked for my best friend. She now has a gem of a hubby. Good luck and i hope it works for you.

Answer 10

because most men are are childish and act innocent all the time