My sister-in-law is constantly leaving her husband because of his drug/alchohol problems. Everytime she comes to our house, asometimes for a day or two or sometime for a week or two. Once it was for two months. But my husband and I and everyone else in the family has noticed a pattern that she goes through. She leaves, then he starts calling (most of the time it's because he's broke and she's about to get paid), she then starts going to see him behind our backs to give him money for "bills" or to buy him groceries. Last night we saw her at home with him, then she came home to our house and lied about where she was. Within the next week, I'm sure she'll go back home. This happens like every couple weeks. She goes back and forth between house dragging their daughter right along with her. She claims that she wants a divorce, but never files for one. What can I do or tell her to help her leave him already and break the cycle she is so used to?
2007-01-18 01:30:18 · 16 answers · asked by ... 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
What is this kind of cycle called so I can research it more?
2007-01-18 03:03:43 · update #1
I think the best option is to really leave him. Go somewhere where he couldn't contact her or even know where she was. And for a couple of months she and her daughter can get some peace to think about the problem and how to solve it. It also would give them some chance to start living a fresh start.
Do you have some family far from where they are at the moment where they could go for a while (as a forced holidays to resolve the problem and maybe there she could find some help - maybe try to find out why she feels the need to go back to him and why she is more worried about the man who hurts her then her kid, if she realized that maybe she wouldn't go back. But these kind of problems have to be pointed out by psychologist or someone she will tryst).
When things are in a vicious cycle sometimes the solution is a clean break. Because if she stays near where he is, most certainly she will go on like this.
2007-01-18 01:44:37 · answer #1 · answered by Mary7 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This cycle is called co-dependency. The best thing for you to do for your sister-in-law even though it's a painful decision to make is to not allow her back into your home. I know this may sound harsh but she is never going to realize the extremities of her situation until all the crutches are gone. She is not going to ever deal with her situation the way that she needs to as long as she has a place to run.
Your sister-in-law is suffering from a passive mentality caused by low self esteem. She doesn't know how to honor herself or her family. Therefore, the best gift that you can give her is the stern example of not tolerating unhealthy behavior. Now is the time for you to love your sister with boundaries. You need to set these bounderies for both her and yourself. If you keep letting her back in your home, you will not be a true help to her and she will continue to bring stress into your life and slowly bring you down. The decision to change the way she has been living is up to her. You can't make that decision for her.
Be the best sister-in-law that you can be by showing her that there is love in the word no. When she's truly ready to be helped, let her know that you will be there. In the meanwhile, you and your husband need to focus on yourselves and becoming stronger so that you can both be a true help to her and not a hinderance. If not, this cycle that you all are in will continue on for years. And years. And years.
I suggest going to the book store and buying books that teach on how to develop spiritual and mental strength. If you and your husband are not strong, you can't teach your sister-in-law how to be strong. And that's the main thing that's needed in order to overcome. Keep in mind that life is too precious to waste.
2007-01-18 10:36:53 · answer #2 · answered by Charvet J 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs therapy. Im serious. She has issues of guilt, deniel of his behavior, and she probably leaves just to smarten him up for a little while and go through the honeymoon phase. Urge her to go to alanon so they can better educate her or else to get therapy. Try and urge her to look at how this is effecting her daughter, find some stuff on google and print it off for her! Let her know that she cannot continue to come to your house for a couple weeks and then go back home. That seems harsh but she is not going to make a permanent solution if its so easy for her to go back and forth in a cycle.
2007-01-18 01:59:32 · answer #3 · answered by jennyve25 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
T.......
The only thing that you can do is to listen to your Sister-in-Law because you will never be able to convince her to leave her husband....She is the only person that can break this cycle...The hardest thing that you have to do is to let her fall flat on her face....Once this happens, THEN you'll be able to help her. She has to grow as a person on her time, not yours or anyone else's.
This is probably hurting you T as much as it's hurting her....I feel your pain....In time, she will leave and you'll be the Best Friend she would ever have because it will be the lowest point of her life, but also the highest point in her life because she'll change her life for the better...
I went thru a similar situation with a Girlfriend....my friend at the time was trying to tell me that she did not deserve me and I how she was mistreating me...I would not listen to my Friend....Finally he got fed up and told me that I'm going to have to fall on my face, but he'll be there to pick me up...
When I FINALLY fell on my face, my Friend, as promised, was there to pick me up!!
NOTE: Once this happens, DO NOT tell your Sister-in-law that "I told you so" and "you should have listened to me in the beginning".......This serves NO PURPOSE...
2007-01-18 01:45:48 · answer #4 · answered by Biotech Boy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm...this is a very serious problem.i could go into detail explaining what that behavior is called, it is very common in a situation that involves Drugs and Alcohol. What you can do for your sister in law is look up on the web or the phone book for Nara-non, or Al-anon...believe me , they are the experts. Addiction affects the entire family, it may help if you attend some of these meeting as well. God Bless.
2007-01-18 01:36:19 · answer #5 · answered by Marti 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Something that helped me break a cycle of a loved one who was dependent on alcohol and crack, and I was dependent on always being right, was a 12 step program called Al-anon. I received some tools to help me "get off the merry-go-round."
They say, people keep doing the same actions hoping for a different result. It won't happen.
This affects many people in a given "community" and it helps sometimes to not help as much.
Good Luck & Blessings
2007-01-18 01:36:07 · answer #6 · answered by Wood Smoke ~ Free2Bme! 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with her and tell her "If he isnt going to change his ways, this will be a never ending cycle". Be there for her but tell her she needs to think about their daughter and whats best for her. The child doesnt need an unstable family life and thats what she has right now. I know you want to help her, but maybe its time to tell her that you are going to stop helping her if she doesnt learn to help herself. Tough love it the hardest of all, but if she is given a place to run to, she will keep running instead of resolving the problem. Good luck.
2007-01-18 01:38:50 · answer #7 · answered by Truth Teller 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing you can do is tell her exactly how you see the situation as a third person.. Maybe she still loves him and the fact that they have a daughter together is also a commitment. You can only explain to her that having herself and espcially her daughter in this situation it wontlead anywhere. However, her dicision is only hers. Try to understand why she is doing what she is doing and then try to approach her but dont go against her. Make her talk you and then you will understand why she is still staying with him. It will then be easier to tell her what you think.
2007-01-18 01:37:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The honest truth is that your sister in law needs to be sat down and told that what she is doing is not healthy for her nor the child. Her husband has a problem in which she is aware of adn it is not the atmosphere that a child be in. For her sake and her child she needs to break the habit. Support her as much as you can but make her understand that she needs to follow through on her divorce.
She has gotten to acustom to the situation. Its like battered wife syndrome and why they continue to go back to there husbands
2007-01-18 01:36:42 · answer #9 · answered by Mike 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all you need to get out of this situation and let them deal with their own problems... It is not you and your husbands place to be the ones helping here.... They need to work on their own problems and she needs to file for divorce and do the right things to get out of this marriage if it is so bad. Offer to take her to see an attorney and make sure she is serious and that she finds the attorney to go to or if she shows not signs of doing it then let her go and do not let her do this to you and your family anymore.
2007-01-18 02:10:15 · answer #10 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋