Marriage I need help?

Question

Ive been married for over 20 yrs, for a long time my husband was abusive, he beat me up i have children, i have been unhappy for a long time, my husband has always been controling, he never wanted me to work, ive never had friends, i have left him 3 times, but since this i met a man who said he would help me get away, i took my children which my children are grown except one turning a teen in July, my children wanted to come back with there dad, i tryed this 3 times, my husband doesnt care about there education, i dont know why i have stayed. im thinking of leavingf for good, but i am so pulled about my children.

Answer 1

if ur children r grown then u have done ur job as a mother their feelings and thoughts don't count for crap if u have had it as bad as u say and they have witnessed it. Shame on them if they don't think u r worth more than what u have had for the last 20 yrs.
U have one that is almost a teenager and a minor this should be ur prime concern now, but if that chilkd also sees u should stay with that abusive husband then move on with out ur children and make a life for ur self don't be manipulated by their selfishness. they r old enough all of them to know better and soon they will tire of dear old daddy taking it5 off on them. Stay in contact with ur children but let them know u have had enough and before u r too old to find someone who will love u for u then they should understand if they don't it's on them. Live ur life finally and get out this time and stay out. Don't let the children excuse bring u back to a marriage that is one sided. Beleive me I've been there and done that get out asap and worry about the children later. They r old enough to understand and if they don't they will come around guaranteed. All eight of mine did and I'm the happiest person alive.

Answer 2

You don't say if he is still abusing you physically. That makes a big difference. You cannot stay where you are being beaten. The children sound like they're old enough to leave home, or will soon, except for the youngest, who is also not a child anymore. They will not stop loving their father. Children usually love their parents, no matter what they do to or in front of them. And since they're not little kids who are being abused, it sounds like it's okay for you to move on, now if he's beating you, later if not and you want to wait for the teenager to finish high school. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

The reality is that your children are grown with the exception of 1. You should let them know what your husband has put you through and that you need to leave him. It was a hard decision but it is what you need to do as you can no longer take his abuse. Trust me your chilren will understand.
Get yourself into a support group as this is not something you should go through alone

Answer 4

For the sake of your children and yourself, seek marriage counseling and therapy. You will always be tied to your husband by the children so you at least have to have a better understanding of one another in this regard.

As far as a divorce, this needs to be worked out in therapy. You need to stand up for yourself and get a social life. Going off with some man is not the answer, the strength you seek needs to come from within yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 5

hi i am almost 21 and my mother started dating my dads best friend two months after her passed away. she also told us (my sis was 18 my bro was 13 and i was almost 15) atthe time that we could do it on our own if we didnt like it that it was her turn to live. my dad was a wonderful man but he was addicted to marijuana and it took most of our money then there were all the bad moods. i think what im trying to say is basically my mum gave up on us as soon as dad was gone and we were just kids. She let me down in a way i could never forgive her for. The fact that you still put your kids before yourself is proof enough your a great mother. i may not be able to tell you what to do from a mothers point of view but if the kids are really unhappy and you would be the only one that knows that you need to get them out they will thank you for it when they grow up and understand. they may be kranky but atleast they wont end up resenting or hating you. if he is a jerk to you and not the kids then maybe they will be happy there it is time to think about yourself. i suppose in these situations its a risk either way but if you are still there for your kids to yell or cry to they will love you just the same.

Answer 6

you have to do what ever makes you happy...i was married for 11 years with a guy that was abusive i didn't have it like you do..we fought all the time he would always throw stuff at me and tear my stuff up...i left him several times and always went back...i left him a year ago and i met a new guy..and wow that was the best thing i ever did...now i know what its like to really be happy..i have never had someone treat me like this new guy does...i also have 2 teenagers..they seen how it was with me and their dad so they knew it was for the best to leave..if your kids care about your feelings and want you to be happy then they should be ok with you leaving

Answer 7

It sounds to me like there's really not a choice to make here. You need to leave your husband...and quickly. That is not a healthy situation to live in for you or your children.

Answer 8

don't stay with an abuser just because of the children, if the children want to live with dad than let them, have to think about yourself for once.

Answer 9

Ther kids will eventually understand you are a battered housewife and cannot take abouse anymore. If possible, get them into family therapy with the knowledge you are planning to leave., or better yet, leave with them and immediately get them into therapy. If there are witnesses to your having been abuswed, have them testify to get an order of protection against him.


I was in your shoes but am a male. Leaving after 20 years was the best decision I ever made, and she has regretted how she treated me ever since. I have not actually spokonen to her on many years to cretate serenity in my life.

Answer 10

Do not stay together for the children , it makes children resentful later in life , and you will become bitter. As your children age , they will come to understand the complexities of being an adult.