What is the funniest story you ever heard?

Answer 1

One night when coming home after a night shift at work, I stopped at a red traffic light. A car filled with teenage boys pulled up next to me and the driver continued to rev the car in anticipation for the traffic light to change to green. As the light turned green, they raced away, only to discover they had put the car into reverse instead of first gear!!!

Lucky for them... there was no one behind them to smash into, but it kept me giggling for hours after I got home!

Answer 2

ALL OF THESE REALLY HAPPEND "A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..." REAL LIFE 911 CALL! TRUE STORY! Dispatcher: 911 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police. Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No i'm her husband you idiot! Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Answer 3

THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE FUNNIEST ANY WAY, BUT IS ONE MOST RECENT FUNNY TO ME. GOES LIKE THIS:

A story is told of an army general inspecting a passing out parade of soldiers. The procedure was that the general shakes each individual graduand, asking him his name, his age and how long he had been in the army, in that order and finally wishes him a successful career in the army, to which the graduand will say "both of us sir!" In the course of the ceremony the general just decided to alter the regimented order slightly.
After asking a graduand his name, to which he answered, the general then asked how long he had been in the army, to which the young graduand replied: "24 years sir!" Full of surprise, the general then asked, "and how old are you?" The graduand replied: "two years sir"! Shocked, the general furiously shouted: "are you crazy?" Oblivious of what was happening, the graduand replied: "both of us sir!"

Answer 4

From someone telling me a true story?? A friend was in a bar and she was meeting her future in laws and they had played songs on the jukebox and they picked their song-some schmaltzy love song. They told the parents that it was their song and all of a sudden Eric Clapton's Cocaine comes barreling out of the speakers. They didn't know but someone in there was also playing music on it. I laugh every time I need a laugh, just thinking about the words. "were going to let it all hang out."

Answer 5

I always liked the story of how our government cares about us, that our presidents are all honorable and good men.

Answer 6

Just yesterday, someone told me they sent a camera pic of their penis to the wrong number! LOL and the boyfriend of that wrong number called back! LOL

Answer 7

my sister's fiance who we all can't stand went on a trip to Amsterdam with her, he wanted to go into all the nudy shows and my sis was bit upset over it, anyway instead he bought a deck of cards with nude women..........or so he thought coz when he opened them he was left staring at a deck of c ocks heeheehee

Answer 8

a man lying under the apple tree waiting for the fruit to fall
in his mouth. really lazy, dont you think so?

Answer 9

"Who's On First"?

Answer 10

hmm let see...there was a fat ugly lady walking down the street she went into the shops and she saw a cake and put it in her underwear and walks out of the shops and ran away and she look at the cake at see it melted on her underwear and she take her underwear off and lick it