When is enough enough?

Question

My OH and I aren't getting on to well. We have a son together and I am a full time mum but I get no support (other than financially) from him. He does nothing in the house, smokes pot at night and speaks to me like cr@p.

There has been violence in the past from both of us and we argue really viciously. I don't want my son growing up in this enviroment. We have talked about all this before and agreed things need to change but they don't. I just don't know if it is worth putting in the effort.

I'm scared of being alone, being a single mum and scared of telling people we have failed.

I don't know where to turn.

Answer 1

forget about failing as a spouse

how are you going to feel as you fail as a parent
as a parent you are spouse to protect your children and have them grow up to be productive social ppl

if you stay you will teaching him that treating woman like crap is fine and being a pot head is ok too

how are you going to feel when he treats his wife/gf like you are treated

yes it is very scary to be out on your own but remember there are woman like me and others who made the choice KIDS OVER ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE

there is alot of help out there too you can get training and schooling to be a working mom and there is also help for the violence

just remember WE DID IT SO CAN YOU

Answer 2

Darling, never fear being alone. You have not failed. You have realised that this is not for you and you need it to change. I have come out of a relationship, nearly a year ago now, that my only support was financial I guess. You do fear it, you see nothing but lonliness and financial problems ahead but trust me, you and your son are worth so much more. You will have peace of mind, you will find yourself, you will have more tolerance, more time for your child, you will be happier together, you will be closer and you will not regret it. If you question the relationship, you know in your heart if you truly want this and I don't think you do. Look after your heart, yourself, your son. Take a deep breath and just let it be. Making the move is the hardest part, never regret your decision and guilt is the most wasted of emotions. Worrying or not worrying will not change the end situation so accept, take your own time to make a change in your life than can only be positive. You will be fine and deep down you already know that. You and your son are so worth a better life, you know that too. Take care

Answer 3

I was married to a man that was both physically and verbally abusive. I didn't want to give in and let others know that our marriage was failing. He spoked pot and would use crack and when he would drink, OMG that is when the violence would start. We had two children together. By the time I did get out, both of our children needed counseling. You say you have a son together, you really don't want your son growing up believeing that it is ok to belittle someone or be phyiscally abusive in his relationships. Don't be afraid of being a single mom. I am a single mother of three daughters. As far as feeling like people would judge you, they will admire you for taking a stance and getting out. Both men and women deserve to be treated with respect. You also state that you argue viciously, this is not healthy for you or your son. You will find yourself happier once you are out of that situation. If you have agreed to work at it, suggest getting some counseling. If he refuses, then it's time to walk. Get you and your son out of there before it becomes too late and someone gets seriously hurt, or your son gets hurt in the crossfire.

Answer 4

There is a new report that just came out a few days ago informing the american public that from 1990 to 2006 there are an estimated 51% of american women living alone without a partner.
If you don't want your son to witness and carry on the violence that your're both exposing him to then leave. Sure it's scary, but so are so many other circumstances. I would rather live alone struggling to survive and have "piece of mind" knowing that when I put the key into the lock of my own apartment no one will be on the other side busting my balls
Call family,friends, or go to the nearest womens shelter to get help.

Answer 5

Oh dear, I really feel for you.

It takes a lot of effort for people to have to make changes, and most of the time people are too lazy and set in their ways.

You are right to feel scared of being alone, being a single mum, but NEVER, EVER be scared of telling people you've failed. It's YOUR life, no-one elses.

Think of it as a new adventure - you don't know what's round the corner - be on your own with your son - be a single mum and enjoy it.

It's gonna be hard for you no doubt, but you will get through it in the end. Just think about what you will say to your son in five years time if you don't do something about it now. Think about what your life will be in five years time if you DO do something today.

There are lots of agencies out there that will help you, start at your local Citizens Advice Bureau and don't look back.

I wish you the very best of luck!!

Answer 6

If there truly is no hope then you need to split up for the sake of everyone - you will find someone new eventually who can give you what you deserve. if you both want to try then you MUST go to counselling. He must stop smoking every night cause no matter what anyone says this makes you lazy and unmotivated - can he agree to just smoke pot at the weekends? He agrees things need to change but until he actually starts speaking to you nicely and starts to share his responsiblities around the house he is changing nothing. This would drive me absolutely mad - you are not the only one who has to keep the house and family in order - what kind of role model is he to your son - if your husband doesnt get a grip your son will think that this behaviour is fine. I hope things work out and your husband can start to see where he needs to change. If he cant make any changes and it doesnt work out then you have not failed - you cannot make him do what he needs to do and if he cant its him who has failed.

Answer 7

It's time to move on, and in your heart you already know this. It's normal to be afraid of being a single mom, but is much safer for you and your son. You're unhappy, and your son will be able to sense that things aren't right; this will eventually have a negative affect on him too. While being a single mom is definitely challenging, many women do it quite well. Spend time with friends and family, you'll receive a great deal of strength and support from them. Best of luck!

Answer 8

you both are to blame in this situation----you're both co-dependant on one anothers misery---and as you know misery loves company---

You're clearly both sending a message to your child and training him to be just like you both---verbal, and physical violence is a learned thing from the parents----Just as you both learned it from your folks.

Break the cycle now----both of you take parenting classes and get into couples counseling if you want your marriage to survive.

The drug use in the home is wrong and also illegal. The message you're both sending to this young child is drug use is ok, Your child is breathing in the second hand smoke which is very damaging. When your child is old enough and in school he'll be taught to call the authorities and report you both for illegal drug use. Ask yourself is it worth it?

You're a full-time MOM so what is it you want him to do around the house---you're home all day---chores should be done by you.

Maybe you should seek employment outside the home so that both of you can share in the financial decisions in your home dynamics!

Answer 9

ok for starters anything worth having is worth working for so ask him how much he loves you and his son then if you truely love each other go to marriage counseling it will help you both understand each other better and youre son wont grow up another statistic you want to try everything and talk to god without him nothing good is possible and you have to try counseling before giving up for the sake of youreself and youre son because yes you canfind someone else but let me tell you from exsperience no man will love youre son like the real father youll end up getting out of this so you think horrible relationship just to find what you think is the perfect guy and he treats youre son like his own and then you will get preg with his kid or kids and then things truely change because he changes now you have to dads to deal with and youre first kids feel left out hell treat youre first ones different from his own then you feel like crap and you kids unhappy its like world war 3 in the home the grass is not always greener on the other side read the bible and you will no that then you are leaving gods path for you and you begin to create youre own misery

Answer 10

My ex was violent,
And was hooked on pot too,
But I've got to be honest with you,
If you love your son, then you have to get out,
Does your boyfriend have paranoia yet????
Like you say you are already a full-time mum.
Don't you deserve better,
How long before he hits your son ?????
The minute my hubby laid a finger on my kids I left,
Its about what you put up with,
You can be so much more than this,
I'm afraid that if you continue this then you will be failing your son,
As for being a single mum, sounds like you already are
I'm raising 3 girls by myself, yes it is hard,
But how tired are you of fighting ???
How much energy does that take up ???

lots of luck be brave and get tough with him.

Answer 11

I'm into chinese proverbs let me share a couple with you

he/she who knows when enough is enough will always have enough[doesn't exactly apply all that well here but eh]


those who are lost never question the path,the drowning man/woman doubts not the shallows.
You are scared to be alone,to tell people have failed??
Worry more how this will effect your son.

I have been in a situation like that only i was the child
i can relate to your son

My mother and step father have fought many many times
they have argued
cussed
shouted at each other
it scared me and my bro
if i did not know they were arguing i was bound to find out
either by all the noise they make or my bro would run off to find me and tell me
he would come to me tell me what happened then i would shut and lock my door
it used to frighten me
now it just angers me when i think about it or when my parents get into a fight
it frightens my brother i hate to see that look in his eyes
look in your sons eyes when you fight or argue
children learn many things from their parents the good and the bad
i can say from my step father i learned how to change a spark plug,handle some tools,cuss,drink,that it is ok to walk at night if i carry a knife[even lend me his]
that's not scratching the surface i am not here to say about my life i am here to say how the things my parents have done has bothered me so
i am now detached pretty much from my parents i do not always call them mom and dad
i have referred or spoken to them with their first names Bob and Arden
i will say my mother threw him out
but he came back
she let him back
when such a thing happened my heart sank
i did not want to go through any of their B$ again
but i did many times
that's the cycle they fight they argue my step father talks about changing never does never will
he has been tossed out more then once
and came back every time
i hate him
i hate her for doing this
im bitter at them both very much so
this has been going on all my life
she is still married to them
even after Bob drinks off his @$$ treats everyone like utter $1TT
hit my brother and I a few times
she still keeps him around
i even told her about Bob molesting me
she just shrugged it aside she did not wish to hear such things
such pains rest on my shoulders i am left to cope
im left to comfort my brother
im left to nurture my emotional needs
when my mother is sad or after a fight she comes to me for comfort
im very bitter towards them
im pretty close to disowning them
i hold much anger for them
my step dad is an @$$hole but
my mother is no better for not doing anything about it
her own words were "im afraid to be alone"
"i am old i have acomplished nothing"
you sound just like her
this can screw your son up big time
honestly i am an angry withdrawn isolated person
im very distrusting
if that doesn't bother you then by all means go for it good chance your son becomes the same
a hateful withdrawn closed isolated person detachted from his selficious parents
he will be angry and not know why
depressed and not know why
confused and not know why
i have met others in situations like mine
their parents fit your description
and they fit my description