Should someone stay married for the children?

Question

If you were married to someone who you loved, but were not in love with. You got on well as friends (you lived like flat mates) and your children were happy. But there was no marital relationship (of any kind) and no comunication. Would you stay?

Married for 6 years. Not had sex in 18mths (haven't kissed for longer). No tension in the house. He is happy... but there is me! I want to live, to feel, and to share my life. I told my husband i was unhappy and he cant understand why. The other problem is Finance... I gave up work to raise the children.

When i say we live well as flat mates...I mean the household chores are shared and we co-exist well. We dont talk apart from chit-chat. We dont laugh. We dont even watch tv together or sit in the same room. there is no together apart form we sleep in the same bed and eat at the same table! But again the children(5&3) are happy. And maybe i am being selfish but to love and to be loved is a wonderful thing, and i want/ need to be loved. sorry x

Answer 1

Yes, but not just for the Children! Stay and win! You have before you two challenges. See them clearly before your mind.

1) You have the challenge of dealing with your unmet desires and need for attention, companionship, affection and all the other stuff you are not getting. This challenge can be looked as as temporary if you succeed at the second challenge.

2) The second challenge is understanding why the relationship is not working. Your husband may be very passive but also very angry. He's hurting you and expressing his displeasure in this very unpleasant way. The fact that the house is peaceful tells me a lot about what's going on, believe it or not.

Here is some ideas on what you need to do:

a) Get some communications going. Yes the peace of the home will be disrupted for a time by doing this. Like lancing a boil, there's some nasty stuff that needs to be dealt with before you can make any other progress.

b) Face the fact that your husband is not happy. I know, you think he is, but trust me, he's not happy, but he's too passive to tell you. You need to take responsibility for this.

c) Understand and learn that all great marriages are built with deliberate efforts. Men are rather stupid in the relationship department. Women are the gifted relationship managers and you may very well need to take the lead in this effort. Just as you plan the meals, you will need to plan and execute the things necessary to resurrect your marriage.

d) Set specific time asside to attend to your husbands needs. Mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, tend to get caught up in the children, the house, the meals and often times think that in all these worthy and wonderful efforts they should be loved and desired as they were before. You were a sexy, single woman who focused on your man and that man desired you enough to marry you for what you were before children, home, financial pressures etc. You may have changed in ways that turn him off. Your personality may be stronger than his and he no longer feels safe at opening his heart to you.

e) Read a few books I find very helpful. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Schlessinger, Getting the Love you Want by Hendrix, and The Five Languages of Love by Chapman.


KNOW THIS: if you move on you will simply trade in one relationship that isn't working too well for another one that won't be working too well not long after you marry.

Your children need you both. You and your husband will be the only parents they have. Moving on will not change that. But it will rob them of each of you.

If you think you have financial problems now, trust me, divorce will make it 5 times worse. One thing is, you will have to go to work and lose all those hours you now have to teach your children.

If you love your children and enjoy your time with them, divorce will take them away from you more than you want. When they are with thier dad, they are not with you. You'll miss them terribly when they are not there.

Be wise. Be dillegent. Be a strong woman and take on the challenges before you. You can make a huge difference once you see the matter more clearly and have the right beliefs about what you can accomplish.

I have no doubt in my mind that you can bring about great changes in your home that will ultimately show up in the smiles on your children's face and the peace and security they have in thier hearts. I also believe that what was once a wonderful relationship can once again grow and find even more fulfilling joys than you knew before.

You have my best wishes on the challenges you face.

Answer 2

Never............. the children are not your marriage............... Your marriage should be full of love & sharing that love with each other. If u do not do that how are they learning to love & share in a marriage? As your children grow & u experience negative situations which will always happen w/ teenagers, from time to time, you'll have problems too. What will u have accomplished down the road knowing that your marriage was not held by love,communication,trust, laughter & most of all--------knowing that u deprived each other the opportunity of the depth that marriage should hold w/ sacred years. The years u both waisted for the kids .... U said there was'nt tention which is good for the children but the act of marriage is to love .. U said u r not in love..........u r better off having 2 happy homes & splitting the kids time w/ both parents as long as u can do this w/o bitterness. Unfortunatly many times divorce creats a battle. U need to look deeply at your situation ,Discuss w/ your spouse these issues & try to find some way to resolve them ,so u r not unhappy for the next 18 years. What then ? Divorse at 25 years of marriage????????????? Think about it . What a waste........a waste of 2 hearts!.

Answer 3

No you shouldn't do it for the children.
You may be OK now but in time you (or both of you) may grow to resent the situation. You will look back at all the years you wasted being unloved and unwanted as will he. Life is too short to hang about. You sound like a reasonable intelligent person and hopefully you will be able to work out arrangements for the children, finances etc.
Of course the children are happy. There is no friction in the house and they are too young to be able to compare your relationship to others. In time when they start to go to friends houses and see what other parents are like they may start to put 2 and 2 together.
Going it alone with children is difficult. I did it for many years with one child with no financial or emotional support from my child's father so I'm speaking from experience. But it can be done. It just takes hard work, guts and determination. Your children will be much happier in the future if they know both their parents, whether they be together or apart, are happy.

Best of luck with this. I truly hope that you find happiness.

Answer 4

no you have the right to be happy and try counseling with him so you can figure out why you arent happy and maybe it will show him that you care enough to do this for the sake of youre kids thats wanting them to be happy and in the long run you would no where you stand and how to be happy after counseling and if he wont go then its him that hurt the kids not you atleast you can say u tried because the kids pick up on those things and its a proven fact if children do not see affection growing up they will be like that when they get older there for they are gonna be unhappy when they get older or make someone else unhappy so
try and think back before you had kids and try and fix that call a counseler you have nothing to loose only happiness to gain

Answer 5

If you can sort it out and stay then do that. The grass is always greener, and in the long run, isn't it nicer to have the real father involved in the equation as opposed to a lover? Although I know a lot of these relationships work perfectly and I'm not saying they don't, but all round for everyone, it's much healthier for a family unit to stay together and thrive than split and find replacements. A very knowing old aunt of mine who had married on more than one occasion once told me, it's only the name that changes not the man. Hope you can sort it, all the best.

Answer 6

I can only tell you that as the years go by and your children grow older and move on in their lives, you will become more and more resentful and angry at your loss.

I think that you ought to move out and find a partner who can be more that a roommate to you. Every woman needs closeness in a relationship. She needs kisses, stroking and love. I waited for 18 years for my ex and I to have a nourishing relationship for ourselves and not stay married just for the sake of the kids or security. The relationship was not enough for me. I told him what I needed, but I think he couldn't understand my unhappiness.

I got out and moved away, finding a new job, a new home and a new man. I have never ever felt so loved and cherished in all my life. I know that I am sexually desired and appreciated for all that I do for him and around the house. He was single for a long time before me and has waited for me as long as I have wished for him. My bottom line advice is DON'T SETTLE. You will regret having wasted your life.

Answer 7

nope absolutley not - I shall tell you why - my best friends mum and dad were together until my friend was 21 years old - then they split - the reason?? they stayed together until Lyndsay was "of age" the guilt she felt knowing neither of them had ever been happy together was awful - the fact that she had lived a lie of a family all these years was just not how she wanted to view her past - she said and still says to this day she wishes that they had split when she was 3 when the problems started - that way she would have known her parents truly - she says she must never have known her dad because he was always so distant - so she has a pretty rubbish relationship with him - 7 years on its much much better - had she of seen him at weekends though and hung out with him without the pressure of the parents not loving one and another - life would have been better

bit of a babbling answer - sorry!!!!

xxx

Answer 8

Well, I personally would not stay because I feel that I my happiness counts too and if the relationship is that bad between my spouse and I that there is no communication and we are essentially living separate lives, it has to be just as bad for the kids if we stay together than if we part. Kids suffer when parents have a non-relationship like that..

Answer 9

No they need to know that EVERYTHING is okay . Once the love is gone there's no use..By pretending in front of the children will confused them. Sit down as a family and talk about what is going on and how they feel.Don't make promises you won't keep! Which ever parent will be out of the home you call the support them in EVERYTHING! Don't miss a game,plat,award NOTHING! I made it and you will Too! GOOD LUCK

Answer 10

How old are the children?It is very rough raising kids alone particullary if they are young.The arrangement might not be good for you but think of the kids I put up with that form of relationship until my eldest boys were 18/16/14 then I left with all of them my youngest being 9.Put a hell of a lot of thought into it as life does get so lonely alone with kids.