Our baby will be 1 month this Sunday and my husband had the first 3 weeks off to help me with the baby. He told me if I needed anything to ask him, but every time I'd ask him for something he'd huff and puff about it, so I'd say never mind I'll do it myself. Now that he went back to work he hasn't helped me at all...he says hes tired when he gets home from work. I tell him I'm tired and haven't slept yet, but he says "what do you mean you're tired? You've been sitting around the house all day!" even though I'm constantly taking care of the baby.
Just 30 mins ago the baby woke us up crying, and I had to go to the bathroom so I asked my husband to watch him while I did that. So I got to the bathroom (and I can hear the baby screaming the whole time) and I go back in the room and he put the baby in the bed with him and went back to sleep (put his pillow over his own head so he wouldn't have to hear the baby scream)...I just can't take it and I'm getting stressed, what should I do?
2007-01-17 22:28:02 · 28 answers · asked by Huliganjetta 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
Am I wrong about wanting a little help? I mean, it's his child too..he needs to take some responsibility! I know he works all day, but I do too! Watching the baby is a 24 hour a day job!
Any advice? What should I do about this?
Thank you!
2007-01-17 22:30:03 · update #1
Both of our mothers died when we were young...so I have nobody else to help me. And NO, I didn't trick my husband into having a baby, we both decided we wanted children.
2007-01-17 22:38:09 · update #2
I do everything else around the house, so I don't think I'm selfish...He comes home and plays video games for hours, and that's all until he goes to bed...and I'll be taking care of the baby, cooking and doing laundry all at once, and he won't even pause the game for a minute to burp the baby or check on the food for me.
2007-01-17 22:47:45 · update #3
My newborn is 2 months old now and I had the same problem with my husband (including the video games!) It was certainly annoying as we already have children (this is my fourth and his second) and I remember him being more helpful before. Finally one day I told him we needed to sit down and talk because it was stressing me out. And yes, I deserved help since I never get to leave work! There is no reason he can't help out a bit.
This is what he said to me. Mostly he didn't help out because he didn't really know what to do and didn't want to do something wrong. (Keep in mind he is a man and for whatever reason they don't have the natural instinct we do to pick up a baby when they are crying and FIX IT) It wasn't that he wanted to play games instead of help or really that he was tired after work (although I got that excuse a lot) It all came down to ---I don't know how.
So we sat down and I did a little baby 101 with him and now he helps out more often. If you can't have this kind of conversatoin with your husband, then you might want to reconsider your marriage.. this is only the first hurdle and won't be your last.
And by the way.. The huffing and puffing NEVER goes away. Mine still does it but I don't care. And sometimes the huffing and puffing is in our minds and not intentional. I've just learned to ignore it. Give him a little daddy confidence and he should shape right up
2007-01-17 23:09:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this man does not want to be a father. Too bad for him. I'd start setting some clear boundaries. You take care of him from 5-6 pm or whatever, and I'm leaving at that time. You said he huffed and puffed, so you started doing it all yourself. Well, you get what you ask for. Give up control, walk out and make him become a father. Start taking care of yourself so you're not so resentful.
I'm sorry, but this is NOT normal. Taking care of a baby is very hard work. Some men don't like the newborn phase, but he can still do other stuff. He can make breakfast, wash clothes etc.
Really, I'd be going to therapy with my husband if he was like this. He sounds very selfish.
2007-01-17 22:46:02 · answer #2 · answered by avalonlee 4 · 5⤊ 2⤋
Wow... your husband really needs to get his act together. I can't believe he is so selfish. I really feel bad for you. This is NOT how a husband should act.
As far as suggestions on what you should do, I think you are just going to tough it out. I hate to say that, but it doesn't sound like your husband is a "team-player" along these lines. Kinda sounds a bit lazy, actually. Being a parent to a newborn is very hard work. How dare he say you've been sitting around the house all day!!!
Reading what you are going through really gives me a new appreciation for my husband. He is a stay at home dad for our baby, takes care of the house, cooks, and he is working on his masters degree at the same time. I just have to work to pay the bills and take over baby-duty as soon as I get home and on the weekends so he can work on school. Now, your husband should take a lesson from a REAL man.
2007-01-18 03:13:56 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's crap. I would not put up with that from anyone, much less the man who's supposed to love, honor and cherish me. It's not normal, I know dozens of fathers who take care of the baby all night once in a while so that the mom can sleep, or cook meals, or do all the laundry.
Anyone who has had a baby needs to let the house work go. If he's not going to help around the house, don't do the housework. Let him wash his own clothes. Let him cook his own dinner. If the baby is asleep during the day, you sleep. If he thinks you're just sitting around the house, show him what sitting around the house really means. He needs a big wake-up call, and he's a grownup who's getting spoiled. he's got it all while you struggle to hold it all together.
I don't know that I'd leave him with the baby. If he's just going to go back to sleep while he's screaming, he'd probably never change a diaper or feed him. Your primary goal is to care for the baby, do that. Let everything else go.
2007-01-18 02:12:31 · answer #4 · answered by ? 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Men for the most part are not taught how to care for a baby. This makes them unsure of themselves and men do not like to feel unsure of themselves. You guys need to sit down and talk. He needs to understand that the baby gets you up every night at least once usuallly twice and you are becoming sleep deprived because it is hard to go back to sleep once the baby does. You also must understand that he is working to support you and the child. To some men this new responsibility of being a father is terrifying. They will work even more hours to try to insure that you and the baby are okay financially. Believe him if he says he is tired just like he should believe you. How to improve things. The baby sleeps during the day and you need to learn how to nap. This will reduce the sleep depravtion and help you a lot. In the evening you need to help your husband get to know his child. Make sure the baby is up after dinner and have a play session. Show your husband how to play with his child, get him more involved with the baby. Do not critize how he plays with the baby. Men will be a little rougher and it will be fine for the baby. When it comes to changing diapers and giving baths you might have to wait until the baby is a little older, that fear factor again. If you are bottle feeding have him feed the baby while he watches TV. You can go shower or go and do something just don't hover around him. Yes he will go about the feeding and burping differently than you but it will be okay. You will have to ease him into helping. Once he is over the fear he will start taking care of the baby more often.
2007-01-17 22:51:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
No absolutely not, there is nothing wrong with wanting some help from your hubby!! I think you should sit down with him and have a serious talk. I'm pretty surprised at how he's acting even when he was off for 3 weeks. You shouldn't have to ask period for help, he should automatically want to do it and automatically want to take care of his child so I think there's something wrong. Me and my hubby didn't plan on having a kid but when I found out I was pregnant we were ecstatic. I ended up having a c-section and had to be knocked out and my hubby took care of our son almost the whole time we were in the hospital. I was absolutley amazed how he just took over.When he was off for the 2 weeks he wanted to do everything he possibly could because he knew he was going back. He went back to work only after 2 weeks and was still getting up in the middle of the night to help me. Our son is now 4 mo old and I personally feel that I couldn't have done all of this with a better partner. I'm not saying he's a bad father but you might want to have a serious talk with him and find out what the underlying problem is. Maybe in the end he wasn't really ready to have kids or maybe he misrepresented on what it was really going to be like (I don't know if you have any other kids) I understand how you feel because it's hard when they go back to work and you feel like the only care taker for your baby. The baby needs both of his/her parents. And the both of you as parents need to understand eachother and be a team! You should be able to sit down and talk to him about what your feeling, and your not asking for much. You asking him to be the dad and parent he's supposed to be! Good luck to you!
2007-01-18 01:47:11 · answer #6 · answered by hopewishdream 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It'll take alittle time but beleive me if he's still around then he really cares about you two and he's trying the best he knows how to at the moment. some men have a hard time with a new baby and result of it keeps you stressed and confessed right? if this is your guys first baby then it's still settling that he is a daddy, he's so used to only the two of you which was alot easier to handle:) I'm not sure if have done this or not but have you ever told him that he was doing something wrong with the baby? like:holding the baby wrong,brubing the baby wrong,feeding the baby wrong?etc..etc.. cause if you have sometimes this will make new/old fathers feel dumb and insecure which after that it's so easy to give up and not get involed with the baby stuff in fear that they'll mess up and make the mother mad (this happens alot!) if you have done this before just let him do it the way he's gonna do it he'll learn what works and what doesn't plus you'll be there to give the 101 support that he may need and alot praise helps as well:) but if you don't do that then disregaurd;) .
Remember to try to get sleep when your little one is sleeping too so your not so tired even if you can't get things done around the house as fast, you deserve it you just had the baby!!!!! your hubby will snap out of it once he realizes how fun it really it to be daddy! plus being upset will only keep you stressed, the baby upset and there will be more distances between you two.talk to him kindly (as you would want to be talked to. of course
:) about how you are feeling about this when he has a day off and is not sleepy. (best time to talk to guys about the subject)
Sometimes us women have to make sacrifices to keep things in our life going. it'll take a little time but before you know it it'll be a team effort again. keep your head up girl and enjoy this cause it'll fly by really fast! everything is gonna be alright think postive and great things will come out of this for you.
P.S. your not alone(some women don't even have the father in their lifes & that's sad but true.... your a lucky one) alot of women go through this I'm one of them, my honey went through the same fase, now all he wants to do is spend time with our daughter plus he's alot more helpful too......... hang in there.....
2007-01-17 22:44:05 · answer #7 · answered by ~*Tanya*~ 2 · 1⤊ 4⤋
My husband helped for the first couple of weeks and then got bored. He is starting to help more now, but I still have to ask sometimes. Do you cook his dinner, do his laundry, clean up after him, or anything? If you do, tell him if he can't help with the baby that is now his responsibility. He will either accept all the extra jobs around the house or he will start helping. Also get him a book about being a dad. That helped my husband pitch in a little more. It will probabley lead to a fight, but it is his responsibility too. Does he have sign of depression? Dads can also get a type of post partum depression by worrying how will I support my family now, what kind of dad will I be. Good luck and enjoy your baby.
2007-01-17 22:41:16 · answer #8 · answered by katbeek 2 · 4⤊ 3⤋
Sounds to me like he is a complete a**hole and people like that don't deserve to have children if he continues I would tell him that if you are going to take care of the baby by yourself just like a single mom would then you might as well make it official and be a single mom cause i can tell you from experience if he isn't going to help now he never will and you will end up having a break down cause you are continuely stressing about him...
I know how hard it is to do things on your own but your better off that way anyway I have to little girls when I was pregnant with my second my man up and left so i know what you are feeling.
2007-01-17 22:37:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 5⤋
wow ... i feel like im reading my own question..your husbands name isnt harley by any chance is it lol anyway my bfriend is exactly the same i actually cant believe how similar, down to puting bub in the bed and falling back to sleep just um punch him in the head see if that helps sounds like thats what him...my bf and all other men like them need...afraid to say though my girl is two and the only thing that has changed with my bf is now he plays the computer games on the weekend aswell!! and also for the person above who said this woman is being selfish i suppose ur a guy??? she's not asking him too bloody work and raise the child at the same time ..it was a joint decision ...joint responsability he is lazy and selfish..not her, and for the person that said he loves them cause he's still there... its a good life when all you have to do is go to work..probably where ur mates r too and when u have a girl who does every thing and all u have to do is work and you get sex aswel when ever u want maybe its not so much love keeping him there but the fact he gets to do basiclly nothing while having thing done for him........just a thought... i have one too so i feel this womans stress and understand 100% where she's coming from.
2007-01-18 00:41:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋