Why is it so hard to end it?

Question

Been married now for over fifteen years... its loveless and the physical side is crap.. in the past he has been violent, and he drinks heavily... won't share household chores, the list is endless..BUT I have two sons aged 14 and 8, the eldest is repulsed at the the thought of divorcing, the youngest is too young but wise enough to see my unhappiness. I feel torn down the middle, if I left I may have to leave my son behind and to be honest all these years I endured and suffered for the sake of the kids... why do we do this... I must add I will never stop their father from seeing them.. but why oh why is this the hardest step to take?

Answer 1

It's hard because we all know that children thrive best with both parents there to love and nurture them. On the other hand, violence is unacceptable and a good reason to leave him. Many on here will say that you deserve to think of yourself as well - that's true, but perhaps you could hang on until at least the children are at secondary school - and therefore more independent ? From my own experience I have (some) understanding with how you feel, and I wish you the best of luck

Answer 2

Because you are leaving one set of problems for another meaning although you leave your marriage you walk into a new set of problems like starting all over again, financial issues and emotions, yours and your kids also it is likely that your husband will continue to give you grief. Sometimes is seems so much easier to stay with the devil we know than front the one we dont know. The risk of loosing your teenage son is very real but the reality is he is old enough to choose who he lives with. Teenagers make it harder than the younger ones due to the complexity that the teen years bring. Whilst they are trying to form their identity a part of their identity which is their family is falling apart and this can have a negative effect upon them. However, do not remain in an abusive relationship, do not let either your husband or son manipulate you any further. You need to resume the adult role with your son, tell him you are not happy and can not cope in the relationship any longer, he has to respect that you are not leaving him you are leaving their father. Remind him he is still a child who has no idea of the complexities of being an adult are about. Reassure him that his life will not change or alter too much. Seek support through a woman's refuge or service, you will be amazed at what services are out there to help you. Leaving is hard but it can also be liberating. If you think you will have problems with your husband when leaving then seek legal advice. The more prepared you are for that big moment the smoother it will be for all. Good luck

Answer 3

I was in the same position, I was married for 20 years but a lot of them loveless. I stayed so long because of my 3 kids. But after a particularly bad Xmas where he drank non-stop and ruined it for everyone it was the last straw. I went to see a councillor on my own (after numerous attempts with my ex) and she told me the best way to tell the kids and my husband. When I told the kids it was very hard for them, they were 14, 17 and 21. But when it was done it was a massive weight off my shoulders. My son (youngest) opted to live with his Dad and has ever since. It has worked out well and they are happy and well adjusted now. I saw my son almost every day. They realise that I need a happy life of my own now they have grown up and I am now 5 years later very happily remarried.

Good luck and don't leave it any longer, the kids will understand.

Answer 4

Hi, Really sorry to hear about your troubles. Firstly I would like to say that its the hardest step to take because it is going to be a huge change in your life and alot of people don't like change, You have suffered for all these years because you have put your family first before yourself and now you realise that you also need something good in your life right now. You shouldn't feel guilty about this as you have devoted 15 years to this man who by the sound of it does not deserve your love anymore. You should talk things over with your two sons and don't leave one behind as this is splitting the family even more. Keep you and your children together and let your husband get on with it himself as to be honest it sounds like he has brought it all on himself. Things will be quite tough for a while but you will get there eventually you need to stay positive and focused and think about the new life you are now creating for yourself and your two children. It can be a fresh start for you and once your sons see how happier you will be they will be so much more happier too. I wish you all the best and hope things work out good for yourself and your sons.xxx

Answer 5

God, I was wondering the same question about my 3 year relationship, but that's nothing compared to what you're going through. I think the main reason it's so hard is that you're holding onto false hope... you're hoping he'll change, you're hoping things will be the way they were when you met, you're hoping YOU can change the things he does and make him wake up and realize how horrible he's been to you... etc etc.. He won't realize those things until you're gone and by then, it will be too late.

Don't hold onto a relationship that you know will go nowhere and that you'll be unhappy in for the rest of your life. How is it worth it? Why put yourself through so much pain? Wouldn't you rather have your kids see you happy? If getting a divorce will make you happy, then that's something your children won't understand until later on in their lives. You can't compromise yourself for the sake of your children's (understandable) naivete... or a husband who makes you feel this way. You're not doing your children any favors by staying in a loveless marriage in which you're so unhappy.

Answer 6

If he has been violent before he will be violent again - are you prepared to risk your sons being exposed to this again? Drinking doesn't help the problem either - have you suggested (tactfully) that your husband seeks help for this? Having said that, it might exacerbate matters if you mention it. For the sake of both your sons it is time to end this destructive marriage. You will just have to talk gently and matter-of-factually to your eldest, at present it is just you who is apparently suffering, but it could be them, soon, as well. You obviously still have some feeling for your husband if you are finding it so difficult to leave. Why don't you go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and get some advice from them about the legal ramifications of leaving.

Answer 7

Honey< I know exactly how you feel, I have stayed for the sake of the kids, now they are older, the two older ones tell me to leave him, when I threaten to go, he wants to be nice, my hardest problem is that I live abroad and I could have lost my kids altogether, however the situation being different now, if you can just leave, I would now give my kids the choice they are old enough to decide for themselves, but yes it is the hardest thing ever, but I have decided with the help of my family to leave, for my own sake, there is no happiness left, I wish you all the best and good luck.

Answer 8

It's great that you are considering the kids in this, but you must remember that although it will be hard for them they will understand when they are a little older. No child wants their parents to split, it shatters their world and throws them into confusion. But this is not a good enough reason for you to endure your useless husband.

You are entitled to a bit of happiness too. Take the time to explain it to the boys, talk to them as if they were adults and I think you may be surprised at how they respond. Kids of that age are more aware of things than we sometimes give them credit for.

My parents split when i was around the same age as your oldest, it was hard for me too, i didn't want to go to school etc. but in the long run i understood the reasons why it happened.

Whatever you decide, make sure you decide it for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

You know, I've pondered why ending a long term relationship is so hard and do you know what I think, it's a habit. It truly is. You get comfortable with everything staying the same (sort of) and subconsciously, I think we go with "the devil you know" rather than "the devil you don't". I liken it to trying to stop smoking. Same mental processes at work. A little part is the unknown, I guess we all fear that a touch. Funnily enough, I've found anger to be the best spur. Get mad enough at yourself for wasting your life on someone that's not worth it, that helps. I just think of all the hard work I put in for what, nothing? Don't know if this will help you, hope so, good luck!

Answer 10

Its the hardest step to make because its the final one in your relationship with this man - even thought you dont feel love for him - fifteen years is a very long time to have been with someone.
Its even harder by the fact there are kids involved, but you cant sacrafice your own happiness to keep your kids happy.
You sound miserable with this man - even if you dont love him - leaving him will be hard.
You need to talk to him about this - decide what will be best for your kids and how you can work at it amicably for all your sakes.
I wish you luck
xx