help need advice on how to handle bf's jealous,controlling ex wife we(bf and i) are getting married soon?

Question

my bf has been divorced for 4 yrs but his ex is still bitter about him leaving her and takes it out on us mostly me.she consently talks badly about us to his family,she allways trys to get more money from him(he already pays her more than the courts ordered)and harasses him when he does not give in,has a fit if i go to any school function for thier son(made such a fit about one thing the school has asked my bf to keep me away to avoid any other "problems" with her) these are just a few things i could go on forever.i have never done anything to her and my bf except for divorcing her treats her with respect and is a great dad.the problem is my bf allows her to do this.they both have joint custody but he allways allows her to say and do anything she wants to us he says for his sons sake and not to make waves.we fight over this all the time and he has had it.he said if i don't drop it he will leave me for good .so how can i learn to not let her get under my skin when she pulls her crap?

oh by the way he did not leave her for me

Answer 1

Your future husband needs to put is foot down and tell her her behavior is not acceptable and he won't put up with it any more. The only conversations he should have with her should concern the kids, the same rule applies for his parents. As for money if it doesn't concern his kids well being cut the money train off. If he can't get a real handle on his ex now she will destry your marriage... GOOD LUCK

Answer 2

I know how you feel but I think mine may be a little less extreme though. They were married for 37 years and I've been in the picture for two years. Kids are all grown.His divorce went through first part of December last year and he moved out a year ago before the divorce but I have my own apartment. Since Divorce she supposinly hasn't called anymore except when I was over there last weekend and I could hear her voice across the room, just talking about every thing under the sun but it started with their alcoholic grown son and it went on for about 10 minutes. Well that was ten minutes too long for me and I told him that. He didn't think he was wrong in NOT telling her he had to go because he was busy. Made me wonder if he likes to hear her talk. It may affect our relationship real bad if that happens again and he handles it the same. After all I'm with him now and she shouldn't be calling unless its real important and not to see if he believed what their son said about her. Sorry, your question opened up an old wound. They need to set their EX's straight or may lose us instead.....They better get their act together.

Answer 3

First of all she has every right to not want you at functions for HER son. You are not related to the boy you are the father's girlfriend is all and unless you are invited to such functions by either HER or the child then you shouldn't show up. You need to realize that your boyfriend comes as a packaged deal, his son being part of that package and his son has a biological mother and whether you like her or not she is ALWAYS going to be in the picture unless the father signs off all parental rights to the boy. You will ALWAYS come if not third in line then second because his child will ALWAYS come first and his child has a biolgocial mother who's wishes need to be considered as well. If you don't like those facts you'd better pack up and leave now and start looking for men who have never had previous involvements that produced children.

Answer 4

I think that if I were in your situation I would try to get under her skin and try and make her feel like an *** for treating you with such disrespect. You didn't mention whether you talked to her or not before, but just make a point to greet her and be very polite with her. This will make her look like an idiot if she tries to disrespect you in public. People will realize that it is not you that is making the distraction, but it will force her to grow up and be civil with you. As for him, if he threatens to leave you because you aren't down with the way his ex-wife is treating you, then maybe you should consider why he is so accomodating to someone who treats his fiancee like crap. He needs to grow up and tell his ex that her behavior is unacceptable, and he needs to start standing up for you and your future family together, and if he is unwilling to do that then it is best that you find that out now, because it will never change.

Answer 5

he fears she will cause him problems with his son, and him seeing the boy. he will continue to allow her to do anything, marry him, or have your own child by him, and it will take some of the interest away from this child. nothing is ever going to change with this woman, just have a kid by him, and than the focus on her son won't be as much as it is now, and that will really piss her off, because the reason she is being so unreasonable is that she still loves him, and wants him back. he knows her, and what she is capable of so he tries to stay in her good graces.

Answer 6

I understand completely. I am in a position of the ex-wife comes first, even after 5 1/2 years divorced. She calls at all hours of the night (10, 11, 12, and 4 am) for non emergencies, (i.e what was the name of the guy my fiance got in trouble with 18 years ago?, she was telling a story and needed the name to finish the story). We live together and was to be married in May. Last night i found out he never told his ex we were engaged and told his 13y/o not to tell her mother. After many late night calls and my fiance refusing to address her constant random calls and chaos, I called her to ask her very nicely not to call so late because she keeps waking my 5 y/o son up. I called myself his fiance, she became verbally abusive and proceeded to call him at work and yell at him. He did admit he didn't tell her and angry at me for telling her. He actually lied to be about this.
My point is. i am as confused of the absolute need to protect her feelings and allowing her to constantly dictate his life, Which in turn dictates mine. He will be the first to defend her actions ( even calling drunk at 4am, driving drunk with daughter etc). At this point, i think from his hiding what is supposed to be so special, our upcoming marriage and having 3 people in my relationship. All i can say is, this one finally got to me. I love him but i love me more. Time to go.

Answer 7

you need to ask yourself if you are willing to be in this kind of triangle relationship. firstly, she will not disappear. secondly, your bf will alway yield due to the son. thirdly does the son like you? fourthly, is your bf planning to have a child with you?
if the answer is yes. then my suggestion is that you act cool and unaffected by her manners. that way people will see she is the problem and not you. and that will make her real mad at herself. however. i don't know HOW you can be cool and unaffected. the HOW you have to figure out for yourself.

Answer 8

girl you better think twice before you get married caz sounds like ex wife will ALWAYS be around. if i were you if he doesn't want to talk about it or actually do something about his ex then you really either put up with it or move on. there is no other way you can deal with it....he needs to stop this now or you relationship will soon end. I really wish you luck.