Rebellious Teenage Daughter?

Question

Our daughter who is 17 today is completely out of control. She lies constantly about everything , seems she cant stop, she cheats everyone around her , she drinks , she smokes , has sex , steals large sums of money which cost her her job, steals household items from us & money, cigarettes. The very latest is basically giving her mother the virtual finger & spitting in her face by telling us that she will do as se pleases when she pleases & she has been coming & going only here to eat or get some clothes. We have tried everything from approaching her in a baby way through to trying to interact with her as an adult. She is full of rage & hate about us, everything & life. This is destroying her mother as Iam only her stepfather. I have tried to support her mum asbest as I could & leave all the decesions up to her mother , but enough is enough, no one can live like this. We especially dont wish to see her fail, in school & ruin any future chances or worse. Is it time to show her the door ?

Answer 1

Your 1st problem was to leave the decisions to her mother. You may not be her biological father, but when you married her mother you took on some of the responsibilities that her biological father should/would have been showing her. Does she resent you for marrying her mother? Does she feel you are the cause of her bio parents seperation/divorce? Does she resent her mother for leaving her father? Does her biological father have anything to do with her? These could be a number of reasons as to why she is acting with such disrespect. Time to show her a united front. If one of the above or something similar is happening get some counselling. If she is just being rude or disrespectful because of peer pressure or trying to punish you than it's time to punish back. You must establish with your wife a united front, it may hurt or your heart may feel like it's breaking but don't give in. Tell her that you are not running a hotel and that if she wants to stay a part of your family she abides by the rules. Tell her what you will & won't tolerate. If she keeps behaving this way you pack her clothes and tell her that even though you both love her until she shows some respect she needs to stay somewhere else. I don't know if family services can help but I also know that if my child was stealing from me I would not hesitate to call the police. You know what she may also be craving some attention from you even though she may deny it but, if neither you or her biological father have ever punished or made decisions for her she may feel that no male could ever love her(like a daughter).
If she still doesn't show a change of attitude than you may have to show her the door.
I wish you all the best. Remember your kids grow up & leave home & then your left with the person you married. Stay united! Good luck to all of you!

Answer 2

hi - I think the first problem is in your initial statement: "She mentioned to me today she may be sleeping over a friends house" - in my mind a 13 y.o. girl should not be TELLING you she may sleep over a friend's house, she should be ASKING you if it's okay, and if you don't know the friend or the friend's parents, the answer should be a big fat NO. First of all, if she didn't name the friend that's very vague, and she could have been anywhere, including with a boy (you want grandkids yet? no?) Second of all if you don't know the parents you should know them before you let her stay over. Talk to other mothers and see if they know the parents. These days you can't be too careful - the friend may be great and the mother may be nice, but a brother, father, or grandfather living in the home might be a pedophile and you need to know who else is in the home your daughter is sleeping in. This situation is more what I'd expect from a 16 year old, not a 13 year old - I'd suggest you take back more control over your daughters whereabouts, even if she hates you for it. She's not mature enough to make decisions on where and with who she hangs out and still needs her Mom's guidance. Be the mom, not her best friend, and do what's right to keep her safe, even if she's unhappy about it now. She'll thank you some day.

Answer 3

First, I hate to say it, look into the possibility of the child having been molested. I acted out just like that, except for the sex, at her age, too. If there are no grounds for it (there's no real way to know without someone coming forward),look around for a local chapter of Tough Love. Your stepdaughter's behavior is completely unacceptable, and the way she is treating you both is awful. If she wants to do what she wants, when she wants, then she can do it on her own dime. She can find somewhere to eat or somewhere to get clothes, because technically, everything she has in her room is yours......children don't actually have any possessions under the law. Her clothes, her bed, her everything......are yours. She might want to think about that next time. My mom dropped me off at a runaway shelter in high school; they had lockdown procedures where you couldn't leave the place, and if you tried, they called the cops on you to drag you back. Something has to be done to make your daughter respect authority again. You also need to talk to her teachers and vice principal and counselor at school to see how her behavior is there. If she is ditching class, the truancy officer should be notified, and maybe juvenile hall will straighten her out. My heart goes out to you (and I need to call my mom again and say I'm sorry.....again!), but giving her her way is NOT the answer, and you deserve to be treated better than this.

Answer 4

Allright listen please. You are the man of that house. She is a child still. The way she is acting proves it. Im not insulting you but you have to grow some balls. I know you've heard of tough love well the love you need to give her needs to be brutal. Absolutely brutal if you want to save her life. I have been through this trust me i know. one last time sit down and tell her how its going to be. After that dont do any more talking be a man. She needs boundries. It doesnt matter if she's your kid or whatever. Her mom married you you are the man. Take everything away from her. Do not let her go anywhere. If you have to do these things by force do it. Be together with your wife stand united. Cut that girl off from everything. Friends, technology, going places. Leave her only a bed and clothes. Then this is where the battle really starts. Demand she changes. Demand respect. Dont kick her out. Set up counceling with a Christian counselor, whether your Christian or not Christian counselors are the best because they apply some set of morales to their work, and it seems like that is what is lacking the mose. Morales. You need to be a man and step up and brutally save your family. This will take months maybe over a year but you have to do it.

Answer 5

This is a tough situation. If I were you I wouldnt buy her things like clothes etc. And it comes down to respect. You have to ask the question where is all this rage coming from? Not that its an excuse but its a start. Counseling might help and im sure you have heard that before and are rolling your eyes but Im sure it will help. If all else fails I would try one of those boot camps that come and get them before they wake up and take them to camp (sometimes camping out in the wilderness with guides and other teens) If you want to really make a difference i would suggest that. My sister went through the same thing and i cant tell you the difference that the camp made in her. The wilderness thing was very productive because they had to count on the guides so they learned not to stop during the hikes and eventually they all opened up. The guides are trained to deal with these teens and there is no abuse or hitting or anything like that. Im sorry I cant remember the camps name but i hope it helps you.

Answer 6

She isn't going to learn and won't learn. Either way she is being coddled in some way because she keeps coming home.

Try family therapy. If that doesn't work, give her an ultimatum and make the punishment being kicked out. She lacks responsibility and having to make rent and live on her own will start to instil that.

If she does fail at life or whatnot, know that you gave her a choice to return home when she acted appropriately, gave her every chance there was, and you couldn't have done anything else.

Answer 7

The first thing I would say is take away everything she "can't live without". A cell phone and car keys are the best. Lock them up where she can't get them. Then set your rules. If she wants them back bad enough she will begin to follow the rules. As far as stealing, if she gets caught, don't get her out of trouble, let her sit in jail for a night if she has to. I would also take her house key incase she is the type to sneek out at night. If you wake up and notice she has left, lock the doors so she will have no choice but to wake you up to let her in. As for my final thoughts she probablly should have had her butt tore up more when she was little is she is disrespecting you like that. Just because you are the stepfather doesn't mean you have no athority over her.

Answer 8

Yes!!But her mom probably won't want to do that,if not then try some counseling.Your right you and your wife shouldn't have to live like that.You are enabling her to do this by allowing her to continue to live in your home and treat you this way.If you do kick her out be prepared to watch her learn some hard lessons with out bailing her out.Trust me I had to learn some very hard lesions before I straightened up.I have to say if I would've had parents letting me get away with it I would probably not be who I am today.She needs to realize that it is a privilege to get to live at home with two loving parents,not everybody is that fortunate..

Answer 9

Spit in your face?

Live in my house, follow my rules. That goes for my 28 year old daughter who recently moved back after a nasty divorce.

Is she acting this way at school or is she expelled?

Have you tried counselling? Go alone the first time. A friend from long ago was in your situation and it helped their family.

Answer 10

She sounds like a right b***h. You and your wife own everything that is in her room, not her. Put her out, tell her that she thinks she's an adult then she should get out and live on her own - get a job and pay for her own things and then just be there when she falls flat on her face. She can only come back on your terms. Good luck