how can this be fair??

Question

My ex walked out for the 2nd time last week,we had only been back together for 5 lousy months and then he goes and walks out on me and our 4 year old son who has learning difficulties.He wants to see my son and i`m saying no,firstly as the last time he didn`t come over when he said he would,never phoned to see if our son was doing alright,he was to busy drinking and getting full of drugs at the weekend,the only time he saw him was when he was over collecting his stuff and my son was heartbroken that his daddy wasn`t around anymore and he became very unsettled and didn`t want to live in this house anymore as he knew there was something wrong but he can`t speak and didn`t understand although i tried my hardest to help him understand.

Secondly,why should he get off scott free and only have to see our son once maybe twice a week,bring him a toy and a packet of sweets,then walk away,guilt free thinking he`s done his bit,then going out living the single life again while i`m still at home

trying to teach my son to speak and deal with eveything else,special schools,assessments etc.I just dont think it`s right and i think he should just do as i ask and stay away as i`ll be the one left to pick up the pieces when he drops my son back home again and i just can`t handle it again at the moment,am i being nasty?
I don`t want to be and i`m not using my son as a pawn either.He just gets to upset and why should i as his mother sit back and allow it to happen just because it`s his so called father who hasn`t given a damn about him?

I`m not interssted in going out partying,ok i`m 24 but i gave up my partying days when i fell pregnant and rightly expected his dad to do the same to a certain extent,but no,i was left at home alone every weekend for days at a time with no contact from him whatsoever,his phone would be off.He couldn`t handle our son either so weekly visits will suit him to a tee,he has all the fun and i get all the tantrums and tears.

Answer 1

First of all, Congrats on knowing what you want! You've taken the first step forward by knowing whats good for your son by not wanting to let him see your son. Secondly, tell him he can go to court if he wants to see your boy, that usually scares him away and makes him realises you've got the ball in your court cos you know what you're doing. Even if he does go to a lawyer, you don't have to grant him access until the courts say so and that would take a few months anyway. You have the best reason of all not to let him get access - DRUGS. He is irresponsible and is proving you right every time he has his weekends. If you let him come and go as he pleases, he'll not just stop at that, he'll start trying to sook up to you for sex when he's lonely or use you for getting his dinner when he's hungry etc. He'll always use seeing your son as an excuse. Please don't let him! Your son will get used to his daddy not being around, and if you become happier that this is a weight off your shoulder, your son will notice a change and be happier too. Forget the loser, you have all you need. There are support groups out there to help you with your son and plenty of people to keep you company that are in the same situation. Don't let that B@st@rd get you down. You just need time to get used to doing it all without him and when you have your routine all sorted, you'll not look back!

Thinking of you, good luck!

Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear of your problems, but I think you should stop the boys father seeing him anymore. It is upsetting for you both. He should be ashamed to call himself a father. You have to be strong about this for your sake and for your son. your son has a part time father and he will get used to the situation. If your Ex goes to court for access then you tell the Court exactly what you have said here. You are still young enough to have a life with someone who will appreciate you and your son more. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Its not fair but I'm afraid theres little you can do to change the way this guys acting.If iwas you i would concentrate on you and your child i know its hard and frustrating at the moment but believe me in time you will feel so much better and stronger because you have had to go it alone without his support. your son has a loving mom and believe me he will grow up tp appreciate everything you have and are doing for him.As for the father then eventually he will realise just what he has lost in you and your son but bt then it will be late(obviously if the father has a change of heart then encourage him all you can for your sons sake) Have you got support from health visitors etc concerning your sons difficulties? i hope so. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 4

#1 NO its not fair!!

#2 He is not ONLY your son he is your boyfriends son as well.

#3 You NEED TO COMMUNICATE with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about the situation. You also need to tell him that he needs to clean up his drug/drinking habits.

#4 Tell him that his son NEEDS him. Parenting takes the mother AND the father. He cant just drop by see his son for a few minutes and leave. What kind of father is he??

#5 Talk to your bf to see what his problem is. The bottom line if you want this problem solved your going to have a serious heart to heart with your bf. Good luck!

Answer 5

Don't be jealous of his possible 'twice a week' visits with his Dad. Find your happiness in your child! You are the one who will closest to your child from being his primary caregiver and a rock for him to depend on. Let go of that looser. Get a court order to establish visitation and child support and let Dad live whatever life he chooses. Your child has a right to learn who and what his father is on his own, and to decide on his own if he loves his father, without any interferrance from you, just like your child has a right to know and love you. Let your ex cut off his own foot! You should think only of your child, not about how you are missing out on the 'single, partying life.' You can always get a baby sitter once in a while and go out with your friends, but be careful that you don't do it so often that your child starts to feel even more abandoned!

Answer 6

Well, from the way you describe your ex... he's quite the loser! And there is nothing wrong with you trying to protect your child, as long as you are not using him (which I don't thing you are). If I were you, I would seek a lawyer ASAP! Make sure you voice your concern about the drug and alcohol abuse! The sooner you get it started, the better it will be! Wish you the best of luck! Take care!

Answer 7

You didn't say if you were legally married or not. If you are not, you don't have to let him see your son at all, and he doesn't have to pay child support. If you are just living together, you will have to contact your local child support agency and they will set up a set amount for him to pay. It is up to you to set up visitations. If he wants them. Most men come around when and if they want to, when they aren't out partying or have enough sense to remember they have a son. Set up the boundaries that you want, and stick it them. After awhile, he will slack off coming at all probably and he will get tired of having a third of his check go for child support, but hey, that's tough, huh? Do it today!!

Answer 8

i'm sorry i've been there i know it sucks. My daughter's dad left when she was 5 she is 9 now he never called, never visited, never even a birthday card, in all those years. Yeah it annoys me i have a kid who's bi polar adhd my life is her and her brothers but ,he cut all ties went on with his life. There is no answers hell no it's not right it happens. I will say thou i would never ever ever tell her dad not to see her if or when he wants to mend things the door is open i won't cut my daughter off from her father he did that himself. he might choose to be a part time daddy dose not mean you need to be a part time mommy.

Answer 9

I don't want to be nasty, but come on, what do you expect, if, as you say, he's "getting full of drugs"???.

It a case of getting legal aid, and getting it sorted in court, so that he doesn't get any contact until he gets himself sorted out, because, as you say, the effect of his contact time doesn't help, and the most important person here is your child.

What your son needs is stability, and smackhead can't give that, so take him completely out of the picture, until he can prove that he can provide a positive and stable contribution to your son.

Answer 10

Nati, it's NOT fair. You need to get an order from the court if necessary, to prevent further damage to your son. Is the ex paying child support? If not, then you need to get that done too. I know a lot of your question was "venting" and you're right....there is no fairness in your situation at all. Good Luck to you.