Should I stay or should I go?

Question

Hubby and I have been together 6 years, married 2. We have had a variety of issues from day one, but they have gotten a lot worse since we married. He has a hard time standing up to his ex-wife, for fear of upsetting his daughter. I have asked him time and again to stand up to her, to stop taking her side, to act like he and I are married, not he and the ex still married. It has gotten so bad that we had some issues this summer and he actually told his ex about them. She confronted me in my home about something and after asking her to leave several times, she tried to start a physical fight with me....in my house. Hubby says I wasn't there, didn't see what happened.....therefore I don't believe you or my ex as far as what happened and since I wasn't there it doesn't make me that mad. Shouldn't he take his wifes side, regardless of what happened? He said he will never stand up to her the way I feel he should....Do I stay or do I go?

Answer 1

No, you can't take a side unless you know the facts. Lets say if I sided with you and what you said happen didn't happen that way exactly, it would be unfair to his ex. Ex or not, she's still a human being. Also, he wants to avoid any more conflict. Obviously he cares lots for his daughter. If I were you I would leave so that maybe they could work out their relationship. She still cares about him. C'mon she started a fight. If you and your hubby have kids than I wouldn't leave, because your kids deserve to have their biological father to be there for them...and somehow you have to work it out between the three of you. Basically, no kids..leave, find someone else.

Answer 2

Wow.. ok first thing. Calm down. This is quite upsetting of course, but you need to keep your cool and not allow this ex-wife to "yank your chain" Cool and easy does the trick.

Never let someone see you sweat. You start by getting some marriage counseling. But first here's a question...

Did this "situation" manifest itself only after you both were married? or before. If you choose to marry your husband knowing he has "backbone" issues... then you really can't complain... because what you see is what you get. Your marriage can helped. Moving forward you'll need to set some guidelines in your home by establishing a set of rules, priorities, do's and don'ts in converations, behaviors decisions, etc. Your husband may not quite understand how to feel in certain situations. It's true that he "may never stand up to her the way you feel he should" however that is not the ireal ssue nor should it be. The issue should be how things are resolved and if there is mutual respect and understanding of what's accepted or not. How he does it is kinda not that important. Get a grip on the control thing... meaning..... the "Tell her this and tell her that" thing.... Please!... that can't be very attractive.

So ask yourself some questions like: What types of behavior from him/her or the daughter do you find disrespectful or unacceptable? Make sure the things you mention are not petty and trivial. You want to win the war... not the cat fight.

Then let your husband know how those "things" make you feel as a woman/wife. Be sure you have this conversation with him when you both can be alone and away from your home. Go out on a date.. be humble and as sweet as pie. How you approach the subject is important too. Don't come at him in anger or with accusations. Stick to the facts. Also, make sure your delivery of the topic is not peppered with attitude, rudeness, or plain ole stinkatude. Know this...

What you have to say is very mportant... but how you say it will determine the results of your converation and the action that follows. Remember... you can certainly catch more flies with honey than viniger.

Timing is also key in turning this situation around. This ex-wife knows she has the upper hand right now because you practicually handed it over to her. She now knows she can get to you by causing you to react. Don't EVER give people the reaction that's typical or usual..... otherwise you've just showed your hand and the game is over. It will be difficult at first, but it can be done.

If you throw in the towel in your marriage then you've really played into her hands. Remember that you've got the one ups manship in this relationship because he is now YOUR husband.. not hers. Don't try and control things that you can't. You can however control you and your behavior. Keep working with your husband... treating him kindly, respecting him and of course... all the while steadily and deeply sharing with him what concerns you have and the things that hurt you. Don't be afraid to seek marriage counseling... but definitely get him to understand (in one of your converstations) that you feel EXTREMELY vunerable and uncomfortable when he shares your personal issues with his ex. Let him know that you're almost 100 percent sure he wouldn't appreciate it if you did the same.

ok... hope this helps. Don't run away from your marriage... stay...and work it out, because it can be worked out.

Answer 3

I don't answer a ton of these, but your situation sounds rather messy, and you sound as if you need some help sorting out some of these issues....

In a marriage, one's spouse in number one -- above mom, above children, above everything... That's what it means to be married. And involved in marriage are respect, admiration, passion and trust, along with such goodies, and kindness, doing things for each other putting one's own wishes second, and treating the other in a princely or queenly manner. Guess I'm old fashion

The line "I wasn't there..." is a cop-out. And he could certainly have a fatherly relationship with his daughter without cow-towing to the ex. Frankly, hon, he's got no balls, and his ex has brass ovaries, and he can't see it.

You are correct to feel somewhat betrayed that he would be sharing things in your marriage with the ex..... And if the roles were reversed, you can be sure he'd be pis(s) ed as hell if you had discussed things with your ex, should you have had one.

Additionally, if your story is even close to the real events, you are somewhere down around the goldfish in his list of priorities, and that ain't what marriage ought to be.

Do I have a fix?

For starters, you need to read th book, "The Assertive Option " - an oldie but a goodie on how to get your wishes out there without trouncing on his ego. If you were never trained in negotiating things, this is the book for you --- still used in counseling classes because no one has written one better. Cheap in paperback on Amazon.com, yours by Saturday.
Secondly since you are indeed down there with the goldfish, he needs to understand that it really isn't where you wish to be. And I'd suggest a few sessions in counseling to help the poor guy get his priorities straight.....By making no comments, he is in effect leaving you rather stranded.... not cool.

I don't know if this kind of behavior is a deal-buster for you, but it will sure grind up your marriage, and cause lots of resentment both from you, and from him.... sounds like he really doesn't know what divorce means. This is not to say that he never speaks to her --- they have a child together--- but sharing items out of your marriage is just inappropriate, beyond anything really necessary..

Do you stay? Sure, give counseling a shot. Then if you don't move a bit farther up the ladder, make a choice. There is nothing worse than being resentful in a marriage, and frankly, hon, there are really just tons of nice men out there wishing that they had a great lady...

Answer 4

It is ultimatum time - you or her. He needs to cut off ALL contact with her, unless it relates to the daughter. His only relationship with his ex should be a business one - as it relates to the kid. No more gossip about your life together. He should cut the ties with his ex now.
Be cordial. Never talk bad about the ex in front of the daughter. Take the high road - but he MUST do the same. He cannot talk about you or your relationship with his ex.
Do not accept anything less. If he can't - I would walk, maybe even run. If he can't do this, he is still tied emotionally to the ex and it is not fair to you.

Answer 5

Sounds like the guy still loves his ex and would go back to her if she gives him the green flag. Why else would be not stand up for you. A man, a husband should stand up for his wife, be there to protect her, provided for her. Sounds like you feel as if you're the outside her.

My suggestion: head to your church and talk to someone there. Maybe both of you should go. You may also want to try a marriage counselor. All else fails. Move on. Your a chic. Women can find a man with no problem. Where as guys, it can take years. His lost...move on

Answer 6

It sounds as if hubby still has a deep emotional connection to his ex which he needs to break. As for upsetting his daughter, she will eventually loose respect for him if he doesn't stand up for himself and will turn out to be controlling, also.
Only you can decide whether you stay or leave. If his dependence upon his ex is destroying your relationship and talking or counseling is not an option, maybe a separation is in order to sort through your thoughts and emotions.
Good luck.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

His ex wife is nothing to you, it's you he chose to be with, she is obviously getting in the way of your relationship. Don't allow her too. Just try and ignore what is happening, it doesnt matter at the end of the day whether he stands up to her or not its you he's with. He is getting it from both sides by all accounts, support him and get on with your lives.

Answer 9

Tell him one time to choose between the 2 of you, then be prepared to leave. All he's teaching his daughter is that bullies (the ex wife) get their way.

Answer 10

Read Dr. Phils web page on "Calling It Quits"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/23