I am so lonely, what can I do to feel better?

Question

My husband didn't work for almost a year because he was unfairly terminated from his job. He just wouldn't get back out there and try again. Now he is finally back to work and he works alternating days and nights . He hardly talks to me when he's home and we haven't slept together since he went back to work. I am so lonely. What should I do?

Answer 1

Dear Jewels,

When a person is terminated from his/her job, it causes depression, feelings of inadequacy, and the feeling of being cut off from the rest of the world. Your husband may be back on the job (hooray for him!!), but he is still feeling the bad effects from his job loss. Sometimes, a person needs a little help from someone else to get rid of those feelings. You MIGHT be able to help him, but you are going to have to be very proactive in order to shake him out of a depression that has lasted a long time. This is a method that has had some success in the past for others and I hope it helps you:

1. Change the way you look at your husband. On the negative side, you might think he is unenthusiastic, however, you could view his lack of enthusiasm as he is a calm and soothing person. If he is stubborn, you could view this as strong-willed. If he is emotional, you could view this as him being sensitive or intuitive. All aspects of a person can be viewed as good or bad, check your mind set and be certain that YOU are not any part of his negative thinking.

2. You must be willing to help your husband feel good about himself. You must be willing to go back to the beginning of your married life and recapture your feelings for him at that time. If you can come up with no memories, jump start your heart by thinking about what you would say to him if he only had one more day to live. Make a list of the reasons you fell in love with him and his positive traits. Give him that list. At the bottom of the list, tell him point by point how you still feel about him.

3. How much time do you and your husband spend talking? Couples who last need to spend AT LEAST 30 minutes every day without any other interruption. No television, no children, no telephones to interrupt their time and communication. If you do not feel comfortable doing this, or it seems like too much time at first, give one another a massage, a back rub, or talk about when you first met. You can share your day, share your hopes, dreams and disappointments.(DO NOT blame, criticize, call one another names, tease or ridicule each other.) Move on to other topics or activities as you feel more at ease, but DO NOT give up this time together. You need it to grow together.

4. Once you have reached a more solid footing with one another (and this could take weeks, so be patient), you can begin to work on how you face your life together. Problems can be solved using communication that tells what you need, not what your partner has failed to do, i.e.: "I need your help...."; "I would really like you to pay more attention to me...."; "I need to hear 'I love you' more often..."

5. Keep in mind that most of communication is LISTENING, not just talking. Listening means using your love, not just your ears, when you communicate. Send the kids out of the room, take the phone off the hook, sit somewhere comfortable so you can relax, turn off the t.v., or shut the door on everyone else. Phrases like, "I really want to know what you think about this..."; "How you feel about this is important to me...."; "I value your opinion..."; and "You are interesting to me..." can open up new levels of communication between you.

6. Many couples cannot solve their problems because they are too busy being "right." If you are married, you are a team. You are both on the same side. One of you has the other's back...at all times. So, there is not a "right" or "wrong" person. There is simply a problem that needs solving.

7. No matter what, if you have gotten into an argument, DO NOT bring up the past. It cannot be changed and it is unfair to hold someone accountable for past mistakes. Stick to the present and each of you contribute suggestions to solve the problem.

8. Laugh together.

9. Hug and kiss often.

10. Good luck, hon.....

Answer 2

I would say stick with it! I know it's hard but you need to get over the shock of weird hours. I worked those hours too! Ridiculously impossible to get use too. My advice would be to assist your husband by looking in the paper or Internet for a normal job that has a pay rate you can live with. You didn't say you were working so forgive me if I recommend you getting at least a part time job. This may not help you with bills too much but at least it disconnects the boredom, and gives you a little mad money. Good Luck!!!

Answer 3

Sounds like you two are going to have to come up with a game plan - make a night when he's not working as your 'date' night - where you do something just the two of you, even if it just means watching TV or a movie. You definitely have to tell him how you feel - he probably has no idea and you shouldn't let it bottle up.

When he is working, think about joining a cooking or a dancing class on your own (or with him when he's not working) .. You'll get to meet new people and have an excuse to get out of the house.

Answer 4

You need to have a life of your own outside of the marriage. Hang out with your friends. Are there any activities that you may be interested in? Some hobbies that you can learn? If you don't have a job...get one. You can build friendships from your workplace. Don't just sit there and wait for your husband when you could be taking care of this need yourself. You can either sit there and mope or you can get up get out and do something. Regain your sense of identity and your self independence.

Answer 5

Have kids? Chat online...make friends...go for a diploma and get yourself back into the hip and happening society with your interest...

While this is a phase, you can overcome it by doing that and understanding that this part has to happen.

And then after that maybe talked about it with hubby, and find other alternatives to spend more time together...

dont be scared to be needy...he is yours...you should have him almost disposable at anytime with clever planning.

Answer 6

No your not stable at all. I bet you have never sat down with yourself and SERIOUSLY thought about what you really want. Mate sometimes its good to be angry...but forget about the past...WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT NOW AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT...you make excuses that you have friends and you party and work and all that crap but its only to make yourself feel good and re-assure yourself. Sometimes a fraternity is not the option. Get angry and do what you want and not what seems right in everyone else's eyes.

Answer 7

Get your butt out of the house and do something new. go to the library take a few classes somewhere, got to a gym., you need an out let for yourself,
you also need to get with the old man and talk and i mean hey we need to talk for real or this marriage is dead in the water. get his attention on who bad things are and how you feel.

Answer 8

you guys are going through a hard time. your husband is under pressure from his work, i am sure it is just because he really wants it to work out better this time. when things settle down a bit, he will have cleared his head, and he will be himself again. he is busy- and u know men...they cant concentrate on one thing at a time, let alone 2.

Answer 9

talk to him...let him know how you feel, and the first day that he gets off work, jump in the sack.
Seriously though. you should let him know that you are not happy with the current situation, and if things don't change somehow, and if he can't make time to at least talk to you, you are going to have serious problems.

Answer 10

Talk to him, sit down and talk with him and the schedule the time together to have private time. Communicate and have a calm frank discussion.