I am a married woman and very much in love with my husband. He is 24 and I am 32. We have been married for two years. After we married he became abusive, (I asked a question about his abuse on here a week ago). He is currently overseas. He came home a r&r and was abusive again. He finally, this week admitted he was mean like that. He has promised to NEVER do it again and says I am his world. Here's where I need help.... We have a friend, that is 23. He hangs out with me often. He has made an offer to be with him and a promise that I would never regret it, he would never beat on me or purposly hurt me in anyway. He wants me to leave my husband. I am not in love with this man but feel that I could love him easily. I am very much in love with my husband. I need him and he needs me, or atleast I feel that way. Is is possible that my husband can change? I dont want to give up on him. He isnt coming home for a year and the other man may be leaving the state very soon. please keep reading.
2007-01-17 07:51:38 · 38 answers · asked by chaa107 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I dont know what to do. I dont want to cheat on my husband and at the same time I dont want to let a good man go. I'm afraid that once my husband returns he may be the same at the same time I think he can change. I guess the bottom line is... do I give up on my husband and my marriage and give the other man a chance or do I believe in my husband and let the other man go?
2007-01-17 07:55:03 · update #1
When I said I need him and he needs me I was referring to my husband....sorry. And Right after that I meant to say....Is it possible he could change?
2007-01-17 07:59:42 · update #2
to answer one question. I do not know if he is faithful. My heart tells me he is.
2007-01-17 08:02:41 · update #3
wanna clarify something....when I say cheat I dont mean sleep with I mean emotionally! I will not Ever cheat sexually. And I would not leave my husband for another man Im just trying to put thing into focus.... ie... is there life out there that can be good for me and my children? Or can he truly change?
2007-01-17 08:12:18 · update #4
It is possible your husband could change, but only if he makes concrete steps at changing. It takes more than saying he is going to change, he needs to show you how he is going to change, and offer you some proof that it is really going to happen. You need to make a decision on your future and let them both know the truth. It's important for you to change as well, and not let any man get you into an abusive situation in the future. You have to be in control of your own life.
2007-01-17 07:55:15 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honey, I wanna give you a hug. You're in a rough situation. People can change but very, very rarely will an abuser change. A major red flag is that he reponded like any abusive husband will after the fact. ("I'm so sorry, It will never happen again!")
That is a load of crap. Especially if he's been gone for a while he should be treating you like a princess now that he has some time to spend with you.
You said that he needs you and you need him. That is another problem. People in a relationship should build each other up and make each other be better people. Because you are trying to build him up, you aren't seeing that he is only bringing you down to make himself feel more like a man.
I wouldn't jump too quickly into a relationship with another man. You need to free yourself from your abusive husband and then spend some time finding out who YOU are. Once you gain some self esteem and self respect it will be easier to see the appropriate relationship to enter into!
2007-01-17 08:12:58 · answer #2 · answered by It'sJustMe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
everyone is going to tell you to leave your husband. Well because none of those people who say that are married. If you love your husband and you want to stay this what you should do. First of your guy needs to get some help. That includes a therapist, get on drugs, take anger management, whatever. Since he is in the service, health care is nothing. Second you two need to seek couples counseling. If you two really love one another then it's a must. A third, stop hanging around this "friend". Believe it or not this guy will rip you apart. He wants sex not love. And if he was a true friend he would respect what you and your husband have, not try to break it up. I think the best policy is honesty, and your husband needs help, and that includes yours. It will be hard, but if you love this guy deep down, you will make it work. I hope this helps. thanks.
2007-01-17 08:04:49 · answer #3 · answered by Tyler C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are very confused at this point. Do NOT make any decisions. Your husband's promises mean nothing. He will need strong counseling to help with his issues. And promises of another man mean nothing as well. To join this other man would only compound your problems. Do NOT even consider it. Your husband will be gone for a year. That will give you time to sort it all out. In the meantime do something with your life to give it substance. Put some time into YOURSELF, while your husband is gone. Who knows how you'll feel a year from now.
2007-01-17 08:07:23 · answer #4 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ok, once again(ex cop here) LISTEN TO ME. I am constantly repeating myself everytime I see something about abuse---GET OUT NOW while you are still alive to do so! He is not going to change-EVER-- They always tell you they are sorry and it will never happen again, but it does OVER and OVER and OVER again. It does not matter how much in love you are with your husand as he is an ABUSER and I am 99.99% certain he will never change. You DESERVE a much better life than wondering if maybe what you have cooked for dinner is ok or is he going to POUND on you some more because you forgot a grain of salt on the food. I have seen over the yrs. so many women come into the jail along with their husband due to a domestic and she is constantly saying""but I LOVE HIM, he promised me he would NEVER do it again, he is sorry" Well before I got out of law enforcement the last gal that told me the same I love him crap was burried one week later. Get out NOW, while you have the chance to do so-----get a restraining order put on your husband so when he does come home he cannot be anywhere near you or he goes to jail. Your life is much more valuable than a BEATING will ever be. Please Listen.
2007-01-17 08:08:37 · answer #5 · answered by nickle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Anything is possible. People CAN change some or their ways and some of their ways will be their ways for life. No one can really answer this question because it is a wait and see. My advice to you is say you leave your hubby for this man and then 3 months later you meet another dude that seems like a better fit...are you gon leave again. YOU need to find yourself. You dont know if you want to leave an abusive relationship for a relationship with a man your not even really feeling. It seems to me you need to be by yourself. You need to gain some self-esteem and some maturity tooo. You made a vow and you should either honor the vows or divorce and move on with your life. Take the year your hubby is gone and rediscover YOU. You can do this with therapy and getting to know who you are and what you want out of life. G'luck!
2007-01-17 08:06:40 · answer #6 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a. Your husband will very likely repeat the abuse in one form or another. That's a hard habit to break. It takes more than a mental decision not to abuse anymore. A lot of work in a 12-step program might help change him from the inside out. I have seen it work for some people if they sincerely want to change. I don't know if it matters which group he chooses -- Alcoholcs Anonymous is just one of them. They exist for all different kinds of problems and addtictions. They all focus on changing one's character from the inside out and they do often work if they are diligently tried.
b. Don't mess your life up even further by adding adultery to your problem of abuse. That's dishonest, shameful, and beneath you. Don't even talk to the other guy about such things. That's also shameful and beneath you. Don't flirt with disaster. If you want to leave your husband, that's a separate issue -- do it without jumping immediately into somebody else's bed.
c. Read "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It will be the best $11 plus shipping you ever spent. Here's where you can buy it at Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Women-Their-Lives/dp/0060976497
d. Go to church and get into a bible study group. It will keep you busy and provide you with social support that you need at this time in your life.
e. Whether you stay with your husband or not, your life can be so much more than you are making of it right now! Set your sights on something wonderful and go for it.
2007-01-17 08:03:50 · answer #7 · answered by Investor 2006 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My first husband was abusive, and that feeling you have of needing him comes from the abuse. It may be physical, and that turns mental because it makes you subconsciously want to make or help him change. He will NOT change. Mine kept promising for 12 years, and it finally ended when he threw a STEREO TUNER at me, while I was holding our newborn! One inch to the left, and she would have been dead. He knows he has a hold of you, they always do. Then they act like they don't care if you leave, but they know that nobody else would put up with their **** and try to keep you for the occasional punching bag. Even if you don't "get with" your friend, leave your husband. Your life can be SOOOO much happier. I know I asked a question on here too about my husband now, but at least with this one, I don't have to deal with abuse.
2007-01-17 08:01:05 · answer #8 · answered by Jennifer B 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hard question!!! From past experience once a hitter always a hitter and even if he says he won't you will always be walking on egg shells and waiting for it, however with that being said it's not a good idea to jump from the skillet to the fire. Maybe you should leave your husband, stand on your own two feet, then see if there is something with this other guy. The grass is always greener but if you still love your husband it's not fair to the other guy and if you cheat he's going to know your a cheater and always be waiting on you to do it to him. You need to be alone, get over your love for your husband then pursue this friend. If he truely is a good guy he'll understand and be willing to wait.
2007-01-17 08:01:38 · answer #9 · answered by prettyfroggy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you feel that being a "good man" means simply that he won't beat you, you need to raise your standards a bit... OK, not a bit - a whole bunch... Abuse is a lifestyle choice, and an abuser is unlikely to change. Whether or not you decide to leave your husband shouldn't have anything to do with the other guy; do what you feel is right for you. There's more to marriage and relationship than simply not being beaten or hurt.
2007-01-17 07:59:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋