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Question

My fiance and I have been together for 4 years and just recently he has been knit picking every little thing my kids do (my 2 from previous relatioship) I feel like my children and I are walking on egg shells, his kids (from past marriage) can do no wrong. I treat his and my kids all equally I thought that is how a family operates, but he defenitly shows favirotism when it comes to his. I had my kids with a looser and I got out of that relatioship because of that and I have been taking care of my responsibilities because Im there mother, my fiance throws in my ex in my face about what a low life I had kids with but its Ok that he got his ex wife prego when she was 15-16yrs of age (by the way I was 22 when I had my oldest) He makes me feel as if his situation is so much better then mine and knocks me for my situation. What should I do about this Im literaly over it.

Answer 1

Step back and observe for a while. Keep in mind, most second marriages are broken up by issues with the kids. It sounds like you two need to sit down together and make rules for working with each other's children. Talk to him privately about it. It would be a good idea to attend couples counseling together. If it doesn't improve, I recommend that you reconsider getting married.

Answer 2

You must ask what the real issue is. Normally, people become irritated over something else, but the real issue is another. Bottom line, you both need to learn to communicate better and leave certain subjects off limits.

Being hurtful about the past is not going to improve your relationship or yoru communication skills. Neither one of you can change your love curriculum, so is pointless to rub it in each other's faces everytime you have an argument. You are just trying to hurt each other and that's the whole reason behind it.

Try to talk about your issues BEFORE things blow up. There is no need to hold up the grudge and let it brew, only to have a huge fight later and start bringing up each other's past. It's not going to help and is pointless, since you can't change that.

Set some grown rules for conflict resolution, because hurting each other verbally is only going to make you angrier and it will become a vicious cycle.

When your fiance tells you about the "loser", you tell him that your children cannot help who their father is and that you appretiate if he leaves the children out of the argument since they have nothing to do with it.

Good luck

Good luck

Answer 3

To being, just to say "my fiance of four years" is a cop-out. If people are REALLY engaged, they buy a ring and set a date. What you have here is "the guy I'm living with". Period. Now, once you have your head clear and focused on that point, go and analyze the situation further, Right now you are a live-in maid, housekeeper, cook and caretaker of his children and he allows you to have your children live there as well. Nice setup this guy has going for him! You are being used and abused and by your last part, you seem to already know it. Ship all the kids to their grandparents one weekend and sit down calmly and have a talk. Be honest. Tell him what you expect from a real marriage. You need a blended equal family and a wedding or he can go and find a new live-in housekeeper "with perks". Then go get a life for yourself. You are teaching your children that they have to settle for less. They would be better off with a single mom who respects herself and loves them than a doormat.

Answer 4

Not with the idea of being judgmental, I think that four years of common living kill the romance and for him, it is high time to do the walking. You have found yourself in a bad position. The knit picking and favoritism are the tip of the iceberg. To come to the core of your concern, let me say that after four years, to bring on the surface the past life with an ex is inadmissible. Some readers have suggested counseling but a relationship outside of a marriage vow lacks the strength to bring both parties to work out their differences. You have to brace and guard yourself against emotional and/or verbal abuses. To compare the ex-wife vs. yourself is a lack of respect. Nobody is worth accepting the insults that degrade you and your children. Prepare yourself for a tough road ahead. I am sorry to have to say it but I think that you are at the beginning of the end.

Answer 5

Sounds like my life to a tee. My now BF got his olf GF pregnant when she was 15. He is now 32 and has a 12 year old kid. I recently has his baby and I also have a child from my ex husband, and my BF treats my 1st child like crap. Accuses me of favoring her, and says that I treat our son not the same as her. He also throws my failed marriage in my face.

Personally I think that men like this, knock us down because they feel inferior. My ex got a 15 year old pregnant. I was 23 when I got pregnant with #1 child. I was also married to my ex. While he was only 20 and unmarried. Your situation is similar to mine, which is why I am pointing mine out to you.

I personally think that this man you are involved with is insecure. You have been takign care of your kids on your own, without a man. Alot of men cannot deal with this. If I were you I would suggest counselling, or break it off. This is what I had to do. It may or may not get better. But if he continues to treat your kids like crap, you should leave, its no life for them. Goodluck.

Answer 6

He may be going through some stuff and is taking it out on you. But you need to let him know that you will not tolerate him treating your kids any kind of way. Especially if you treat his kids as your own. And as far as throwing your ex in your face, that is very childish on his part. At least you are not still in the relationship with your ex. You are trying to move on but if he continues to make your kids' life hard and throw your ex in your face, then maybe it's time to move on again.

Answer 7

Wow. You really have a lot to handle, don't you? It sounds like you have been giving him and his kids your all. But what makes your kids feel less important? WHy do they feel nervous? Please, forgive yourself for having children with a less than ideal partner. Mistakes happen. But do not allow a bigger mistake to happen - do not allow this man to cause your children to resent you for your behavior. You can not change the was another person acts, only your response to it. Get counseling at a local church or free from the county, and learn about how much more you have to offer. Leave him. He is hurting your kids and you MUST protect them. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 8

I see that this is the second time you have asked this question, and in one of your other questions, you want to know why your son is acting the way he is. HELLLLOOO!!! Where is your head at girl??? He is showing signs of mental abuse from your fiance and you are allowing it. If he does this in front of you then just imagine what he does to those poor kids when you are not around to see. Shame on you mom your kids deserve better then that but you are making them suffer for your own selfishness. You get what you settle for and unfortunately your kids get what YOU settle for too. He will always treat you and your kids like this and you will always let him. What a shame

Answer 9

It looks like you are in a situation that I am in, let me rephrase, I was in. Talk to him and if things don't change leave. You and your children are not second best. Remind him of that. You are right treat the children as equals not his kids are better than yours. Families don't opperate like that, atleast they are not suppose to. I personally left my boyfriend because he always excluded my oldest son from almost everything we did. He always put his father down and I finally got tired of it and left him. He finally realized how he was treating my son after I video taped him for a few days, of course he didn't know it at the time. I went back to him and now things are fine in that department. First, talk to him about it. Then go to extremes if things don't change.

Answer 10

This man is trying to justify his own failure by putting you down. The things he says about your ex is the same thing he is.

This fiance should NEVER become your husband. Marriage will not change the way he emotionally abuses you. You should not have to walk on eggshells or any shells for that matter. I know you have invested the time, but you can still leave it. I did. So can you. I went thru similar.

This relationship will only continue to drain you emotionally and its not healthy for your kids.