How do I Connect With My Stepdaughter, when my husband wont let me in to thier inner circle?

Question

It has been them two for 6 years. When my husband got divorced his ex wife didnt want their daughter. So He let her run the household and he let her be boss. So she tells him how it was going to be. Its getting better but their are arguments. He has never given his daughter rules, and I have and she doesnt like them. Im lost and I need help.

My stepdaughter is 11 yrs old. It has been just her father and here for about 6 years. Her mother has not really been in the picture. He let her run the house hold and him because he felt bad that her mother did not want her. She has had no rules, no bedtime, no discpline, and she does not know where her boundries lie. She has always gotten what she wants, and she has always told her dad how it was going to be. Every time i try to get in their little inner circle i would hear from my husband that it has been him and his daughter for so long that its going to take time. Well its been over 2 years and im still not allowed in the circle. He says he wants me to be a mother to his daughter but his actions speak alot differently. I have given up on trying to get in their inner circle because im tired of beating my head against the brick wall. Now his daughter says to him that she thinks i hate her. I give them both everything now what do I do?

Answer 1

You answered you own question,, He let her be the boss , and run the house, ,,, Sorry, but it's a little hard for a step-mom, to come in and try to change this... Children are very sensitive, It's not her fault her parents divorced, and she was allowed to rule the roost so, to speak.. Just apporach this with care, talk to your husband first and then move foward,, If that's possible now ...
HOPEFULLY YOU DIDN'T EXPECT A BED OF ROSES / I'M SURE YOU KNEW THE SITUATION BEFORE YOU MARRIED INTO IT .......

GOOD LUCK

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Answer 2

As a former stepkid, I have to be honest with you:
It takes an average of seven years for a step family to mesh. Usually the kids leave the house by that time. You didn't include the childs age so I'm unsure of if this applies but, older children need more guidance than rules. Unfortunately for you your husband didn't lay the ground work for the girl to know if what she is doing may right or wrong. They best thing you can do is be a support system. Her dad will have to hand any discipline. Maybe once and a while he punishes her a little more severely so you can go in, lift half of the punishment. You'll be the hero. Screaming at her will not open the lines of communication. She doesn't seem have a mom, which probably hurts immensely. She may really need you now. I wouldn't reach out to my stepmom because I knew my mother hated her. So many angles to think about this in other than she doesn't cooperate with us.
I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

You didn't say how old your step daughter is but regardless you've got a big problem on your hands. I would really recommend seeing a family counselor because if he has behaved the way you described over the past 6 years he's done some developmental damage to her which will affect her ability to have a relationship with a man later in life. He's given in to the classic little girl fantasy of the daughter icing out the mother to be the father's bride. Most small kids have this fantasy but it's up to the parents to set the boundaries, which he did not do.

Answer 4

A child is a child, a parent (stepparent) is an adult. You need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Let him know that now that you are married, the 3 of you are a family and families need rules, limits, and structure in order to coexist and run smoothly. Be kind and explain that you know how much they love each other and depended on each other for so long, but that you are involved now and yu feel that they both leave you out. If necessary, suggest family therapy to discuss how to communicate as a blended family and how to identify the new roles expected of each of you. It is a difficult situation for you and I empathize with you. His daughter is in a power struggle with you and your husband is not respecting that you are the one who should have the authority. Write down your concerns so that when you speak you can address each point, with examples- but try not to be judgmental- that only puts people on the defensive and in a protective mode. Have a plan, with suggestions of how to make things better- house rules, chores, consequences for bad behavior- for each family member, etc. You must have a plan to counteract your concerns- otherwise it just sounds like put downs and complaints. Good luck to you- it will take a lot of hard work on every one's part to bring the family together, but it is worth it.

Answer 5

at this point connecting is a distant memory...it may happen but not likely soon.I know one thing I would not have allowed her to run my house hold for one second and surely would have let my husband know that real quick.I have a stepdaughter and she comes every other weekend and i let her know that the world was not gonna stop just because of her presence.I am kinda a harda#s about things though.I would put my foot down right now if i were you and i would tell my husband she will no longer treat this family the way she has and tell him if he is not going to discipline her you will because she lives under your roof.I dont beleive in this bullsh#t you can't discipline your stepkids if thats the case then they would run all over everyone in the family and they would think they can do whatever when they are with the partime parent.screw that....all i can say is get some backbone and show her who is boss and then she will respect you enough that maybe you can be close with her eventually.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to say that this will only get worse as she gets older. She will expect to get her way even more and cause more trouble when she can't. Your husband needs to grow up and be a father and guide his daughter as best he can. Being his wife, he should allow you to have some say in what is acceptable for her and what isn't. If he doesn't start now, she won't listen later and will resent you for giving her rules that her father lets her get away with. Talk to him and have him treat her like a daughter and act like a father.

Answer 7

Well considering I was a step daughter with hell on wheels I think I can make a couple of suggestions. One let the discipline come from him instead of you. Two give your husband ultimatums if he does not comply with your disciplinary actions for her. In my personal opinions every kid wants to be discipline and its never too late. I never had a curfew and when someone tried to give me one I was very rebellious. So if she is use to acting a certain way for so long she will be rebellious and it is going to be difficult. I can only suggest when giving her discipline let her know the reason why you are implementing your rules when you decide to implement them. As a matter of fact you are older and wiser you should know how to avoid the arguments. Good luck

Answer 8

this happens a lot. if it is your husband causing the problem then you would be well advised to set him straight now about how you are now the female head of the household. he should have set rules for her to begin with. if he continues to allow her to do as she pleases, you will not be able to fit in. your place is as wife and step-mother and you should not have to do as the daughter commands. it sounds as if they might have formed an un-healthy relationship during that 6 years.
i would consider some family counseling if you think that would help, but just remember that old habits are hard to break. and after people find a routine that fits their lifestyle they have a hard time changing.
good luck.

Answer 9

okay,

this is the classic step mother, step daughter thing. how old is your stepdaughter?

most kids want to get away with as much stuff as possible. the parents are the ones that need to discipline their kids or they'll be lost in the real world.

maybe you should tell your husband that he needs to let you in more and back u up more.

you could always call for the Super Nany and see what she says.

Answer 10

Make your own circle! She will appreciate your rules. Kids don't want or need to rule their household, they need to be KIDS. Take a girl day, go shopping have your nails done. Show her what she is missing not having a Mom around. Also you need to talk to your husband, he has to back you up & make the daughter obey the rules. If not, it will cause problems in your marriage.