Would you be offended...?

Question

There is this friend of mine who is also a neighbor, we both have toddlers and infants. Our two families get along really well, she is always over here or vice versa. Both of her sinks are full of dishes, dirty dishes on the stove-dining table, counter etc. Diapers all around the house living room, bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen, dinning table, in the yard etc. Dirty laundry all over the house.
As soon as you walk into the house-you can smell the vomit/urine/diapers you name it. We take care of each others kids-3 days out of the week-so, we can take care of whatever that.
Last night my husband were at Walmart doing grocery..when I came across "Glade Scented Candles" and bought a dozen for her.
I also asked my husband to have them over for the week end-so, I can help her clean the house and etc. My husband thinks that's offensive and crossing the line. He said he would be offended if someone gave him dozen of scented candles and offered to clean his house. What do you guys think?...

Answer 1

Yes it is, obviously she doesn't care how her house looks or what others think.

Answer 2

I think soap and candles are not good gifts to give. Unless people specifically ask for such things, many people are allergic to the artificial smell or realize there is a message that they smell bad. Glade candles will not clean the house.
How to approach the problem depends on why she is not cleaning the house. She may be depressed and cannot get herself started on the cleaning by herself. If so, you may go about it in an indirect way by saying, "It can be so hard sometimes to clean the house when I am by myself. Don't you think it can be so boring? Why don't we have cleaning get-togethers and help each other clean?" Then you can help her with the dishes. If you clean her house when she is not at her house, you might accidentally throw something away that she treasures. Also, if you help, offer to do the washing off and laundry, not re-organizing. Some people don't like others to reorganize their stuff. You are taking on a big task if you start helping her clean, but it might make cleaning house more fun for both of you.
If she is thinking her husband should be helping more around the house, maybe the problem is she leaves it messy for him to clean it. In that case, she won't accept your help. Friends help each other out lots--it is just that since she is not asking for help, it is hard to know how she will react.
Your friend's cleaning standards may never be very high, but if you show a happy attitude about cleaning when you help out, maybe she will develop a better attitude. You can tell her stories about people who like to clean, who like to whistle while they work, and tell the dishes that they sparkle. While you are cleaning, you might could say, "Wow. I really like how these dishes shine."
If your friend does not clean up, I wouldn't keep my kids from visiting unless she is serving raw meat. Kids get all kinds of germs at school even though the school looks clean. Kids can get dirt on them from the playground. I used to garden and make mud pies when I was a kid, but maybe it could be problem. Germs happen everywhere.

Answer 3

I think you have a great idea. In fact, while my house is cluttery, not dirty, I really appreciated my friend coming over to clean it for me as a Christmas present. If you don't make your offer with an air of judgment about it, and just say something like, "I figured you have your hands full with the kids and work and thought it would be a fresh start to the year."

I think an offer to help clean one weekend day is great - make it a fun day. Throw on some music, have a drink or two and go to town. You can also pre-prepare some food so they have dinner than night without having to mess anything up. For some people, spending time every day cleaning just isn't a priority, so you may have to help her again before too long.

Answer 4

I don't know what her marital situation is, but I am a single mom with 3 small children, and working full time, taking care of my home and yard and finding time for my kids is tough. For the most part I HAVE to let alot of the cleaning go. Now knowing there is someone out there who's house is worse than mine makes me feel a little better....lol. Seriously though, my friends have offered many times to help clean, or even do it for me, and even though it's a feeling of relief on one hand, its also a bit of a blow to my self esteem. As a mother you think you should be able to do everything, and knowing that your friends think you can't handle it all by your self is sometimes hard to swallow. I think making it sound like a trade might work. I know it makes me feel better when I can tell myself "OK, I bought her diapers and formula when she couldn't afford them, so she is returning the favor by helping me out around the house." Whatever you do don't make it sound like she is not doing a good enough job. One last thing. The dirty diapers are definitely a health hazard. I wouldn't be afraid to mention that part to her. Good luck! I'd like to know how it goes.

Answer 5

In this type of situation it's always very tricky. You want to help, but they may not see it that way. It's true that even if you do clean up her house, how long will it last? She is the culprit here, not the house. Somehow she has lost her way as a homemaker. I know of a website that has changed one of my friend who was not a very good house keeper(just not as bad as this one). Not very organized at all. We started out by joining in a website called "Flylady.com". It's an excellent website to check out everyday for new ways to clean and organized. I'm betting on her having a computer, but it's an excellent way to say you both can do it together(even though you may not need it), but she may embrace your idea a whole lot better AND it may help her to continue keeping it clean and organized. I know it helped my friend and she's done an excellent job with the house now. Good luck!

Answer 6

Hyatt, honey bless your heart.
Offensive or NOT, if I were you...I would say to your friend...honey you're always with the kids-GO OUT! spend sometime with your husband and don't worry I'll take care of the kids. While they're out, (leave the kids with someone like your husband/friend/family member etc). Order pizza and let the kids watch a good movie-(I'm assuming since its been cold as heck lately you can't take the kids to the park)
I would clean her house spotless. Burn the scented candle as soon as they leave the house- when she comes back..ACT DUMB and say, honey the kids were angels! I got bored out of my mind and started to clean and laugh about it! HA! HA! Otherwise don't let your kids go over there. If this doesn't work for you the house next to me is empty-I sure can use a friend like you. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 7

It depends on how good friends you are. I could do that with some of my friends, and others, if I tried, the friendship would be over.

Try asking to borrow something of hers, such as a baking dish - that you know has to be cleaned. Offer to get it yourself, and then tell her, that as long as you were going to clean the dish, you might as well wash all the dishes in the sink - no sense wasting soap or water.

See how she reacts to that. I know it's deceptive, but it'll give you an out if she is bothered by it. Then you take the dish home, make something for her in it, and return it as a peace offering.

Answer 8

Can you offer to watch her kids at your house sometime so she can "run her errands, get groceries, clean the house, etc." I think that might give her a hint. Also, can you give the scented candles as some kind of gift? Maybe for watching your kids one afternoon or for some other reason? Her house definitely needs to be cleaned as it sounds very unhealthy for small ones to be living in that type of environment.

Answer 9

Hyatt, What you want to do is very understandable to me because I have a younger sister and a mom who work and go to school and their houses are trashed. What I do is just offer to help out in exchange for them watching my kids. As for the candles maybe get her to let you help her first then say, " Oh I bet I have some extra candles you can have let me go check" Come back with just a few of the candles and save the rest for just because gifts to her later on. This is how you can follow through onyour very generous offer and not offend her. I hope this works for you, you are a great person for helping this woman out. Good luck! God Bless! Claire

Answer 10

I f you truly are friends, then I wouldn't offer to help clean.

She has to know how it looks and she will be either embarrassed or mad that you would suggest cleaning it for her. It insinuates you do not think she is capable of doing it herself.

I really can't think of a way to make the offer you have into something that would be readily accepted by the friend.

Is your friendship hedging on this? If not, I'd let it ride.

Answer 11

Well, how did your friend take it if you offered to help her clean? If she gladly took your help, then she wasn't offended. That's pretty gross though! Dirty diapers around the house???? Not very sanitary for little ones running around. I think you're a good friend for helping her clean without being too offensive about it.