What do I do about my mom?! We don't get along and really never have, but I don't know how to change it!

Question

She called today while I was at work, & I said, "Hi, What's up?" She replied, "Hello, mother. How are you today?" as if that's what I SHOULD have said instead of "What's up?" I apologized for not calling over the weekend & said I'd been busy. Then she sounded annoyed at that. She was abused as a kid & never had a good relationship with her own mom for that reason. As a result, she turned into a mother that's also emotionally abusive on one hand but smothering on the other. I can't handle it! I feel HORRIBLE for her that she never got love from her mom (who never sent a birthday card & rarely called) & now my mom must feel "abandoned" by me too, but I don't know how to even really be around her. I never really dealt with the issues I have with her. I tried talking to her but all she says is, "I know I've been a good mother." She doesn't want to acknowledge our emotional issues & thinks mothering is only about providing clothes, food, etc. It is but there's more to it, no? I'm 34.

The episode today wasn't an example of emotional abuse. Her abuse consists mostly of screaming and being really hurtful.

Answer 1

You know my Mom and I used to have a spotty relationship, but when I got married and had my own child we sort of started seeing more eye to eye.

Of course, you and your Mother have the issue of her previous abuse to deal with. You might want to talk to a counselor about your relationship with her. The counselor would have some suggestions on how you can cope with the feelings that you have when you talk to her, or the best way to approach her. At some point in your life you may just have to face the fact that you might never have a good relationship with her. But a counselor could best direct you and at some point perhaps the counselor would even recommend working with you both.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Your mother is having serious problems coping with her childhood abuse and she needs professional help. In the meantime, you must stop allowing her negative behavior.

When she calls at your work and starts the sarcasm, tell her nicely that you are busy and you'll talk to her later. Then, nicely hang up the phone. Make this a habit with every phone conversation. When she starts being disrespectful, nicely say: "Mother, I've got to go; l'll talk to you later," and hang up the phone. If she calls you right back, don't answer. If she calls later and talks respectfully, talk as if nothing is wrong. The minute she starts the sarcasm, follow the same pattern of hanging up.

With your next serious conversation, encourage your mother to get the help she needs. If she goes into the "I've been a good mother" routine, tell her the same truths you've written herein. Specifically, tell her that you love her, but that her abusive behavior is causing you not to want to be around her. Also tell her that it's not about her being a good mother. It's about the emotional abuse she's transferring on to you, as a result of her own suffering.

If your mother won't hear you, you must learn to live your life accordingly. Keep in touch, of course, but use the pattern for telephone calls and only visit when you feel comfortable in doing so. You have nothing to feel guilty about, so don't take yourself on guilt trips. There is nothing you can do about your mother's past, so don't apologize for that either. Love her, encourage her to get help, and keep in touch (as much as she'll allow it). Otherwise, start enjoying your life, girlfriend!

Answer 3

You could be me talking about my mother! I'm sure she was the best Mom she knew how to be at the time. You both have regrets. Give what you can of yourself without destroying the person you have become. The person you would not be had she not been the person she was and is.Keep only what you love about her in your mind and heart.. then only the love will show. And do not feel guilty over what you can't give to her. It is o.k. She may change in time if she can, but don't expect it or demand it. We are what we are and can be no other. My mom has passed away, and yes, I wish things had been different, but just take the good with the bad , and be true to your ideals, and that way you wont have to regret the things you weren't able to give her. I found myself walking out of the room a lot of times when she started to go on and on about us, but at least we didn't fight. Let her have her own truths, and you retain yours. You do not have to agree with her to have a peaceful relationship,and you know you will never get her to change her mind, right? Just smile sweetly, and say "I love you momma" hug her and walk away. She'll stop following you eventually, and stop trying to bait you. But, if you can, just once before she dies, tell her what she needs to hear to forgive herself..tell her just one time that she was a good mother. You both will feel the warm love of God ,having reached the height of His intention. Peace and calmness and a sense of self-love will be your reward.

Answer 4

I feel ya. I have a mother similar to yours. I am 37 and have NEVER felt loved by my mother. I just felt that she was doing her motherly duties by providing me with food, clothing, etc. I never had a birthday party until i was 21 years old and thats because I did it for me. She and I do not get along. My nick names for her is barracuda and Ice Queen. I am over my mother and I know its because my wonderful father filled and continues to fill the void. I hate to say it but if my mother wasnt my mother I wouldnt want to know her. I do not Like my mother or her ways and I think she has been depressed since I was a teen, but you know what...THATS HER PROBLEM!! I deal with my mother IF I want to. When i stop by their home, she irritates me and I am out the door. Do not let your mother depress or upset you. You are not responsible for what happened to her as a child and you shouldnt take on that responsibility by allowing yourself to be abused by her. Let her know that when you feel hurt or irritated by her that you are going to remove yourself. YOU have a right to a life that is not burdened by her troubles ESPECAILLY since she doesnt want to listen to you. Keep your head up!!!!

Answer 5

You sound like a grown woman with your place and what not...so at this point..give her respect and love for bringing her into this world as well as raising you..but she is the one with the problem...live your life to the fullest and be happy....she has to get over her pain and stop being a victim....she should see herself as a survivor...that would change her own mentality.

Answer 6

I have the same thing. The only thing you can do is try never ever to be like that. break the cycle and forgive your mother. Always remember that we never had a choice who are parents are going to be.

Answer 7

yea, i think she is holding back, and keeping things inside is not good, i believe if she can talk about how she feels and vents, i think it would be a relief on her, and she can have a good mother daughter relationship with you. i always say communication is the key.

Answer 8

well let me first introduce myself,my name is alwayne and i'm 18 years of age.In your situation i have beeen in that before but servived it.what i must advise you is that you must not hate your mother because she give you a irritating manner.May be its that she is in a bad mood, i sometime experience these kind of things from day to day with my parents.

Answer 9

i'd desire to declare: Your thirteen Your hormones are raging and you in basic terms dont comprehend that she possibly thinks the comparable element approximately you. Why dont we get alongside? What did i do? do you opt for to occasion along with her? attempt doing what she asks. in line with risk she is stable, in line with risk you in basic terms dont is familiar with why she needs you to try this. interior the tip she's nonetheless your om, and regardless in case you think of they prefer your lil sis extra effective, your their infant and that they love you too. Their first born, which makes you specific. once you sense like there is going to be a combat, step decrease back and breathe. Why are you going to start combating? Is she asking you to do somehting? are you able to do it without it incredibly bothering you? in case you incredibly dont choose to do it, are you able to declare... " mom, i incredibly dont choose to try this using fact........" and you provide your motives. Shes your mom, she is accustomed to extra effective, and he or she needs the luxurious for you. you will desire to instruct her some know, or maybe she doesnt instruct you recognize you will nicely be the bigger guy or woman, and be well mannered. Your father doesnt wnt to anger your mom plus whilst your married you're able to desire to have each and every others backs or it might desire to reason marriage issues for them. and you dont choose your father and mom to chop up up. Anothe tthing is, in the adventure that your sister is barely 5, she continues to be in a factor of her existence the place she is somewhat impressionable, and that they cant incredibly yell at her yet. So provide her a wreck and dont resent her for it. You reported you dont choose to get the comparable conduct, then attempt to stay clear of the combat. in case you think of your splendid interior the argument, wait til she calms down and attempt to describe it to her. Or if she doesnt hear, dont difficulty approximately it. decrease back away, and take it gradual beforehand you the two start to scream and you finally end up crying..

Answer 10

maybe you guys need counseling. sometimes you need act a certain way around your mother just to satisfy her because trust me mothers are NEVER happy.