Do I continue to ignore my husband's...?

Question

ability to make me feel second or third in his life? His work, his kids from a previous marriage, and an irrational ex occupy all his time. Leaving me feeling alone, ignored and unimportant. I've tried to address my feelings with the same response "we have a good life". I'm tired of trying, tired of addressing the same issues, tired of repeating myself over and over again about how he makes me feel, thus sounding like a nag not a wife that's hurting.....

Thank you to all that have answered. I guess a little more detail is needed. I do have a career, and activities outside of the house. I do not need him to be independent. I'm there because I love him and care for my marriage. I was not the other woman, he was already divorced (3 years) prior to marrying me. He was not unattentive when we were dating. As he has moved up in his career, so have the demands and less time for me. As the problems with his ex have increased, the more attention he pays to that situation and his kids, thus less time for me. I got married because I wanted a partner, a friend, a lover to share my interests, my joys and sorrows. The same way I support and share his. That has not been the case, specially for the past 3 years. We have been together for 5. I love him, but I'm tired of feeling the way I do. However, I'm not one to give up and don't know if at this point is worth the fight.

Answer 1

You are not a nag. You are expressing how you feel and he is being inconsiderate and not listening/doing anything to rectify the situation. Put your foot down. Tell him that you can't keep living like this.

Answer 2

First, I have to start by saying you know he had kids when you married him. Why is it that you should come first in his life? He had his kids first and they should take priority. I know that sounds harsh, but what kind of father would he be if he didn't put their needs first? If it was the other way around I would hope that you would realize your kids should always be your #1 responsibility. Some people get married 2, 3, 4 times. Should that new spouse always come first, before the kids? No, it's not their fault their parents divorced.

With that being said, I can empathize with your situation and the way you are feeling. The first thing you need to do is talk to your husband about the way you feel. Let him know that you understand his responsibilities, but you'd like to see him balance his responsibilities better so that you are not alone so much. I would also get involved in your own activities so you don't have so much free time to sit around and wonder why this is happening to you. Go out with friends, join a club, develop a hobby. If you are still feeling lonely, then maybe this marriage isn't right for you.

Answer 3

You need to stop doing what isn't working and try somehting else. Talking to him isn't changing anything so why continue?
It's important to feel number 1 some of the time, but expecting it all the time is unrealistic. I suspect you're now at a point where even if you get some attention, the second he focuses on something else you're back to feeling neglected again.
You basically have three choices here - you can continue to do what you're doing and get the same results and live the same life, or you can try setting up some regular date time with him where you are each the focus of each other for a while (and realize the rest of the time the focus will be spent on other things), or you can leave and find someone to give you the attention at the frequency you want.

Answer 4

Marriage is not a game... if you are feeling like the 3rd wheel and he is feeling like you two have a good life then maybe you two need a moment alone... I would suggest a night out on the town for 2... dinner, romance. Maybe try having this set up either 1 time a week, ever other week or even once a month. Try to make sure that you both are getting out of your marriage what you both need. Rather then going threw the motions and staying in a rut.
Good Luck!

Answer 5

..and you did not notice this problem when you were dating?
The day you married he just up and changed and brought all this baggage into your marriage. It was never there when dating.
Hummmm...
Do you work? Could he get a job that is not so demanding and also that does not pay as much?
He spends time with his kids. Maybe you can take over some of that and spend more time with them so he does not have to. That will free up some time for him.
As for the irrational ex, good thing he picked you over her. Wait, he should have left her before finding you so it's a good thing that he chose you over all the other women he could have chosen.
As for being unimportant look at a list of all you contribute to the marriage. Make it, look it over and then ask for recognition. Might help to give him some recognition or the things he does just to grease the wheels.

Answer 6

i'm quite sorry to hearken to all of this - it truly is so unhappy. To me it looks that he's having an affair. he's making out that you're accountable for inspite of is going incorrect and this can both be because of guilt or because he doesn't opt for to lose the homestead etc. i'm positive you adore him dearly, yet you desperately favor to back off. have no longer some thing to do with him and play the wounded celebration. If he contacts you, tell him that you're literally not prepared to search for suggestion from with him except he can grant you with a proper reason behind his behaviour. If the worst does ensue then you definitely will be innocent.

Answer 7

sounds difficult ...u need to get his attention some how! was this the case before u married him? he made time for u then? what happened? re evaluate!!!!, what ur doing apparently isnt working.... try 2 nights a week set aside for just ur time together...no phone calls unless a priority emergency ONLY! let everyone know.... have date nights..or stay at home and dont answer the phone{ get an answering machine} run this by him, it shouldnt be a problem for him because if hes in such demand...he will want some down time anyway to relax. insist he try it, and make the time with u a MEMORABLE experience so he will look forward to next time.......ps no negativity or talk of problems.....have fun and get to know each other again....good luck!

Answer 8

No one can MAKE you feel anything.

Saying he makes you feel a certain way is saying that he has some special power over your feelings or says you are powerless to feel otherwise.

That doesn't sound like a strong, confident woman to me.

I suspect you have given him a vague or impossible task to complete.

He doesn't live in your head and thinks that he does place you first. This is why your complaints don't register. He doesn't feel they apply.

Let me guess, you say it to him, much like you write it here, you feel second or thrid. He listens, says you are not, and so he doesn't see any need to address this because he knows in his mind that you are not second or third, right.

I imagine he has told you this.

Your complaints are not connecting because you are making judgments about how he feels, and not accounting for the possiblity that you are wrong, that he does place more importance on you than you give him credit for.

What I suspect is that he does not demonstrate this in a fashion that connects with you. Much like your complaints don't connect with him, you don't give him credit for the things he does.

Let me recommend the following question. Ask him to show you how you can tell you come before all of these things. What evidence will he present.

Then, just listen and see if he demonstrates what you are looking for in a way you don't normally think about.

Then ask him if he would like to know some more effective ways of demonstrating that you are number one with him. I think a great analogy is that he is busy cooking gourmet meals for you, but not cooking your favorite foods. So, you are not enjoying the meal.

Perhaps he simply needs to learn to cook the meals that you will really enjoy.

It's probably not natural, and he is probably doing things that he wants YOU to do for him, as most of us tend to demonstrate love in the ways we want love demonstrated for us.

The goal is to encourage him to show you love in your language.

Answer 9

No, because he is going to continue this behavior. Tell him this inexcusable, and that u deserve more. U knew he was married before and had children with this lady, she will be always in his life because of them. He sounds like a good father, but u are his wife, he has a responsible to u now. Don't let his past behavior, ruin your future with him, go to counseling,priest or just explain how u are feeling again. Do something today. Good Luck.

Answer 10

Question for you, were you the other woman before your husband married you? If that is the case what goes around comes back around and bites you in the tush. If this is not the case you may try counseling, or if you are very unhappy, a trial seperation, so that you both can rethink your relationship with each other. What defines a good life to you?

Answer 11

Well I'm going to tell you that life is too short to be unhappy. If you feel this way now, how are you going to feel 5 years from now? Have you tried counseling? If you address these issues with your hubby and he still doesn't respond maybe you could seek some self help and that may help you deal with your feelings. Either way you need to take some action.