My husband of 11 years and I split up in June of 2006 because I believed he was having an affair with a girl he worked with. After filing for divorce, a divorce he wanted, I moved out. It's January now, and since this happened he has moved back in with myself and my daughter, but we are moving ahead with the finalizing for our divorce. We have been seeing a marriage counselor because our hope is to remain together. He still works with this woman. He claims he never slept with her until after I moved out. Can I accept this? Can I keep living day to day knowing he is with her all day long? I've asked him to leave and get another job but to be honest they are hard to come by in our area. Give me your thoughts...
2007-01-17 02:56:19 · 25 answers · asked by Brokenconfused 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It seems that you still love your husband and the trouble is not knowing what happened and when as well as dealing with potential lies and tons of pain. Give this a try:
1) Encourage your husband to find another job but not to quit the old one until he gets the new one (financal security).
2) Call the job and ask to speak to her. Ask her if it is possible that you could grab an afterwork snack at a cafe or restaurant.
3) Call your hubby and make the arrangements to meet him afterwork for the quick bite for a few minutes later.
4) Drive him or have him follow you to the restaurant.
5) Explain to both of them that you want to talk and that you have some feelings that you need to express. If he's lying, you'll slip him up because odds are that if he lied to you he's lied to her. If you've got the cash pay for the meal for her. I'd make your hubby pay for his own plate.
If he bolts or shows you that he's lied, then you can proceed with the divorce. It means that it's definately over. If you're able to clear the air with the two of them then stay in marriage counceling. The counceling will help you get more of a stable foot and start to re-establish trust (full trust will take time and effort on his part to be much more honest).
In any event, you are right to feel that something is fishy about his story. Do the investigating!!
2007-01-17 03:56:14 · answer #1 · answered by Aesea 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You are moving ahead to finalize your divorce but you're seeing a marriage counselor because you hope to remain together? I'm confused and I'm sure your daughter is to. Have either of you considered how this must look to her? How will she feel if you eventually split up?
If he can't get another job, he should at least consider moving into another department of section of his company. In the meantime, he should still try and seek employment elsewhere. You may not be able to get past the fact that they still work together. What does your counselor have to say about this? There's a lot going on and I think you should tackle one issue at a time, and think long and hard about how these issues are impacting your daughter; this is especially true if she's old enough to understand presence and absence.
2007-01-17 03:11:31 · answer #2 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
don't think working with the other woman is at all acceptable, think he is saying he never slept with her, until u moved, somehow maybe blaming u for leaving, blaming u for being hurt. if he loved u he never would have slept with her in the first place. no u will never feel comfortable with him working with the other woman, if he wanted the divorce, and than u moved out, after the filing, how can he say he never even slept with her before ? makes no sense to me. men just don't ask for a divorce, unless they have someone else, and he had to be sure he liked her first before asking for the divorce, so he must have slept with her before. i am just not buying what he is saying, think he is a liar, think if he was sincere about saving the marriage he would get a different job even if he had to look harder or take less pay. he just isn't interested in saving the marriage, and ending it with her.
2007-01-17 03:17:09 · answer #3 · answered by jude 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't really blame him for doing the naughty after you moved out. That was a sure sign for him to go ahead but it also sounds like he did it out of moment. It was the only way to get back at you for moving out.
If he was honest before and you trusted what he said, give him this chance, this one and only chance and let him know it. You have a daughter in both of your lives and that should be your main thoughts. Your daughter shouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing, she's an innocent but if you have that one ounce of trust and love for the man, give him this chance and try to make it work out for your daughter's sake.
He may work with that woman/girl but it doesn't mean they are doing anything. Most people can't do things at work but you can keep tabs on him. Check his clothes to see if there are any hairs that are not yours.
Give him a last chance and do what the counselor says. It's a plus that you got him to go to a counselor and that's a plus.
2007-01-17 03:13:22 · answer #4 · answered by Kevin A 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't blame you for feeling this way. I think he should do his best to find another job anyway. Hard or not it would be worth it if you are trying to get your marriage back together. Working with her every day is too dangerous and he shouldn't put himself in that situation. He should be looking for other work to show you that he wants to move forward. If he really tries and doesn't find anything that's one thing but at least he really tried to show you he is sincere. He cheated, so it's his responsibility to make you feel comfortable around him again. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
2007-01-17 03:02:46 · answer #5 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Personally, I don't think this is something you can live with day to day, especially if he still works with her. Do you really want to have to wonder about this every time he goes to work. The fact that jobs are hard to find is not an excuse for him to have his cake and eat it too! If he done it once, what makes you think he won't do it again. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you have nothing to build on. Good luck with this one.
2007-01-17 03:03:26 · answer #6 · answered by ryanisonthescene 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I am going to be honest with you and tell you I have been the other woman. Do you know what he is telling HER? Do you know if there are feelings involved. DO you honestly think that you could work all day long with someone whom you have been intimate with and not think of that moment
2007-01-17 03:07:08 · answer #7 · answered by Lady 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well, you KNOW he slept with her, even if it was after you split up, he still slept with her. I don't think you can ever rebuild your marriage as long as he is with her all day, every day, once they have had an affair......at least I couldn't. The way I see it is....he either gets another job, or the marriage is definitely over.
2007-01-17 03:04:16 · answer #8 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
This is a deal breaker...I would not stop the divorce unless he is willing to get a new job. If he truly loves you, he would want to do that to make you feel at ease.
Sidenote, why is your name promiscuous girl and you're worried about your husband running around?
2007-01-17 03:05:06 · answer #9 · answered by Back in the game... 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
He didn't sleep w/ her until you moved out? That doesn't sound right even if it is the case that's where his mind was at before you moved out. I would say let her have him unless you truly love him and want to forgive him. And about them working together that's a no-no.
2007-01-17 03:11:31 · answer #10 · answered by Got Curves? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋