What should you do? Married people only.?

Question

I am a 39 Spanish woman married for 12 years with a 45 years old Spanish men. Three kids, a house, and a small cleaning company. Not majors problems for 11 years, but since three months ago I discover that his phone bill has 840 calls aproximaly for each month. At the beginning I though he had another woman and I asked and he said no. My concern is these calls are aproximally 2 or 3 minutes ( nothing longer ) and he doesn't wants to give a reason.
I work just Saturday, cause I take care of my kids during week days, He has two jobs, he work hard because we are always thight in money matters. I feel bad, sad, frustrated, because I don't think these phone calls are normal. He does not want to give me a real reason for it. The most important for me is safety for my kids, and I am scare. What should you do?

Please scuse my English but I tried my best.

Thanks a lot.

Answer 1

That is a tough situation to be in. I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, 840 calls is FAR from normal. It does not necessarily mean that he is seeing another woman, but there has to be a reason for it. Ask him again what the calls are for, but do NOT accuse him of anything specifically. Just tell him that 800+ calls is not normal, and you have a right to know what is going on. If he is unwilling to tell you where those calls are going to, then something is up! Try to get a copy of his phone bill and see where the calls are coming from. Call the phone company and ask them if possible. Try talking to friends or family that may know more. Basically, you need to try to find out what these calls are for. If you cannot, then so be it, but it will help a lot. Also, call his work once in awhile and make sure he is there, or talk to his supervisor. Do not do this TOO much, but if he is cheating or doing something else that is illicit, then you may catch him in the act if he is skipping out on work.

Regardless of whether or not you succeed on the phone thing, it is obvious that there are problems in your relationship. You need help. Strongly urge your husband to go to marriage counseling with you to discuss your relationship. If he will not go, then go yourself. A professional mediator will be able to help you identify your problems and come up with constructive solutions. You say money is tight, but it is worth it! There may even be programs or clinics in your area that specialize in helping people with money problems. If he really cares about you, then he will agree to do whatever is necessary to make things work.

If all else fails, or if it turns out he is cheating on you, then you will need to contact an attorney and make sure that you know what your rights are. This does not necessarily mean you will have to get a divorce, but you need to educate yourself to protect you and your children should your husband prove unwilling to work on your relationship. It is better for you to assert your independence now than for your children to grow up witnessing a bad marriage. That is how children learn bad relationship habits and grow up to have bad relationships themselves!

Good luck with this. I know it is hard. Make sure that you surround yourself with good friends and close family members to help you work through this.

Answer 2

If you have the numbers he's been calling, you can do a reverse phone number lookup on the internet. Try www.whitepages.com. This will give the name/address of the person or business he is calling. This will only work if the numbers are not cell phones and are listed. If no numbers come up, sometimes you can select options that will give you a better chance of finding out who the number belongs to (if they are unlisted phone numbers, but I'm not sure about cell phone numbers). But a lot of these cost some money. I'm not sure how much though. You could also try asking your cell phone company. Just a suggestion, I don't know if that will help or not. Has your husband shown an other odd behavior that started about that time? I wouldn't be too concerned about an affair if the calls were only 2 or 3 minutes long, but he might be up to something else. It's just strange that this huge increase in the number of calls he makes happened so suddenly, and it's strange that he won't give you a straight answer. I would be suspicious, but maybe not about another woman.

Answer 3

You did not say how old the children are. 840 calls per month is about 28 calls a day. Are your children using the phone. My 16 year old son gets atleast 20 calls a day by himself. What kind of work does he do? You see I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. You know the answer tho' we always do. You think he is doing something dangerous.Tell him that. It is not another woman face it no woman talks for 2 or 3 minutes on the phone.

Answer 4

Your English is much better than my Spanish!

I think that your problem comes down to being a matter of trust. Do you trust your husband?

There could be lots of explanations for all the calls - maybe he has a lot of friends and he is goofing off (playing) with them all day and he's embarassed because he knows he should be working, but you caught him playing while at work.

Maybe he got a second job that requires him to get lots of short phone calls - like taking orders for a delivery company. The bottom line is that you don't know why he has all the calls.

Another thing to consider is that he's getting lots of very short calls. I would think that if I were having an affair, I'd have long calls with the woman at the same phone number. If they are a bunch of short calls from different numbers, than it really doesn't look like it could be with another woman.

I'd encourage you to look at how your relationship is with your husband. Are you close? Do you talk - really talk about your goals, your fears, your lives together? If you don't then you need to get back to that.

The bottom line - you don't know what the calls mean - but it doesn't look to me that it's with another woman.

Answer 5

That'sa lot of calls. I do hope they're local! Any wonder he needs to work 2 jobs. But WHERE does he find the time? Maybe this is a 3rd job? A phone telemarketer? You certainly can get to the bottom of it, with just a little detective work. Let him know that if he doesnt wish to tell you, that you're gonna call all these numbers. Go to whitepages.com. Do a reverse lookup. Start plugging in some of those complete phone numbers. See what name comes up. Then call a few and see if your name is familiar to them.....ONLY if they're local calls. I wouldnt want to see you run up a phone bill. Good luck! Come back and let us know. I'm really curious. ;)

Answer 6

First off, you're right in being suspicious. ESPECIALLY if he can't give you an honest and reasonable answer. People with nothing to hide have nothing to hide! And guilty people tend to act guilty! Remember that! 840 calls in a month that last 2-3 minutes? Sounds fishy to me!!!! Are they all the same number? Are they 800 numbers? Are they international? One way to figure it out is to call some of them! That would clear it up right away. At least then you would know what you're dealing with. And THEN you could confront your husband with what you believe the truth really is. Whatever the truth is, you're not getting it now.

Answer 7

Is it a total of exactly 840 calls a month or a total of 840 calls for three months? Dont know that much about phone calls but maybe its those dirty numbers. If it was a mistress, do you really think he would tell you? I dont know why you would be scared either. Has he ever hurt you or one of your kids? Maybe you should start some investigating of your own. Borrow a friends car and start following him. Good luck

Answer 8

Call the numbers. Your husband should want to explain himself if he cares about you and sees that this is burdening you. But I realize some cultures are very male-dominated and the women aren't supposed to question or challenge the men (I married into the Mexican culture. My husband isn't like that, but some of his relatives who come visit from Mexico certainly are. And his mother will never put her foot down to her husband about things so I think it's a cultural mindset.) Perhaps this is why he doesn't feel the need to answer you? I hope it turns out to be just business calls. After all, if they were women he's running around with, they'd likely run longer than 3-4 minutes, right?

Answer 9

I am having the same problem with my husband. He claims to not remember who called him from a specific number. I have called the number that occurs frequently on the bill and it is not a woman. But he still refuses to explain. My theory is that whatever he is doing will eventually come to light. So I have just learned to deal with it until then. I feel there is no use creating unnecessary problems within our marriage until I find out what is really going on. He knows I'm suspicious and am keeping an eye out, so eventually I feel I WILL find out. Until then, I'm just trying to keep the peace. Good Luck.

Answer 10

There is definitely something up with the phone calls. Can you call the numbers and see who answers? I would. But block your phone number before calling. Is your name on the account? You can contact the phone company regarding this also. He is hiding something from you, if not a woman, maybe another problem.