What is a “normal” between one's public vs. private persona? In public, my wife is smiling, friendly, soft spoken, easy going, polite, and deferential etc.
But when we are alone, she is also often: angry/occasional raging, annoyed, irritated, harsh, and even somewhat verbally abusive when I do something that bothers her. Often she's fine in a couple minutes.
My wife is about ten years older then me; and admits she has an “Irish temper”. She has a lot of fears e.g. flying, elevators, germs, separation anxiety, stormy weather, etc, and I sometimes think her fears get redirected into anger.
I really don’t like this kind of behavior—especially when it’s directed towards me, and I feel all sapped of energy, and a “wiped out/run over by a truck” feeling. I'll occasionally bring up her behavior, and she’ll usually acknowledge it as inappropriate and say she’ll be more aware of it and not engage it it, but then it will happen again in no time.
Often I blame myself/feel guilty...Advice?
2007-01-17 01:59:40 · 8 answers · asked by robert b 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My ex was the same way. She projected one image in public, and another in private. I called it Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. In reality it was called Borderline Personality Disorder.
I would advise you to go to a public library or book store and read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It is a very good book that not only gives symptoms of the disorder, but also true stories from other people in your shoes and their stories. It also has good information on what you can do to help prevent "triggering" that type of reaction from her.
If you find your wife has most, if not all, of the symptoms that are in the book, then you should strongly consider deciding now whether you can stay in the relationship. The "sapped of energy" and "run over by a truck" feeling you talk about is all to familiar to me, so I know how you feel.
Check out the book, it will be worth your time to get an understanding of what's happening if in fact she does have the symptoms of disorder listed in the book.
If you need further help, send me an email.
2007-01-17 02:46:56 · answer #1 · answered by Govt45 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Surely it is fairly common to hide any negativeness from people you know less well and allow yourself to be yourself in front of family? And sometimes this does mean drawing the short end of the stick and having stuff taken out on you but it should be reciprocal. It's hard to tell whether there is a problem here or if your wife just has a really short temper. If it only happens say a maximum of a couple of times a week I'd ignore it and try and learn it;s just a fuse and it doesn't mean anything. Maybe start trying to guess when a temper is coming on and learn how to counteract it? She may just want a hug or some help for a few minutes when she is feeling frustrated.
2007-01-17 10:45:20 · answer #2 · answered by Lucky 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault that you wife can not accept her own problem. YOU CAN'T CAHNGE HER. She has to be truly willing to change. Also, she is casting blame on IRISH. Sounds like she need to come to grips with the fact that she herself has a prob and that it is not IRISH. AS for the way that she acts around others and then around you alone, that is because she is putting up a front so people will like her and that leaves it open for her to do what she wants to you and no one will believe you if you complain. Woman on Man abuse is on the rise. Get some counciling and try to advise that you are willing to get counciling with her as well. You need more confidence in yourself first. As for the fear or stormy weather, this is what I did with my ex and it worked great. When you know that there is a storm coming soon, distract her with long sensual foreplay. Then when the storm really starts to hit, make very loud, passionate love to her during at least 30 minutes of it. Do that everytime for at least 5 storms. Next thing you know, her "woman" senses will start kicking in when a storm is about to hit and she will be wanting it as well before you even knew that a storm was coming. BINGO, her fear is gone.
2007-01-17 10:10:01 · answer #3 · answered by protruckdriver71 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok,
1) She knows how to control it because she does, in public.
2) Her "phobias" are an excuse. Don't let them be the reason for her tantrums.
3) If you don't put a stop to it, she'll run you down like a truck. Tell her to get a grip on this problem or your marriage is in danger. Be straight and direct with her and she'll get the message.
She may have watched her parents behave this way and just thinks that's how to treat a husband. Nip it in the bud now before it gets worse.
Good luck.
2007-01-17 10:39:30 · answer #4 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I'm sure you have heard the saying, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". I don't know how old your wife is but is it possible that she could be going through menopause. Just a thought. I would suggest to keep talking to her and making her aware of her behavior. Don't blame yourself but try by suggesting marital counseling to help you two through this transition.
2007-01-17 10:10:13 · answer #5 · answered by kitcat 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop being her doormat. Don't allow her to do this to you. The next time she does it, walk out and stay gone for about 8 hours. The next time 12. The next time 24. She'll get the message.
2007-01-17 10:04:53 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The next time she starts on you, sneeze on her and stick her in an elevator.
2007-01-17 10:08:07 · answer #7 · answered by convoiceofreason 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
She needs to see a therapist.
2007-01-17 10:11:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋