WOMEN: Did you give up custody of your children after divorce? Are you sorry?

Question

Are you glad? How did it work out?
No lectures from "you don't love your children, " please. This is an inquiry from people with actual exprience.
I have adult friends whose fathers left their familyes. As adults, they looked up their fathers. Now they think that father is god even though he abandoned them 15-20 years ago and the mother made all of the sacrifices.

Answer 1

Hi

I'm not a mother but my mother left me and my brother after a nasty divorce from my father. I was 5 and my brother was 3.
My father got custody of me and my bro and I lived with him until I was 18. He had not spoke to my mother in all those years except if there was a fight, which there usually was when we had to visit her once a week.
One night my mother called my father and told him she didnt want to see me or my brother ever again and my father asked me not to go back and see her.
I don't know what it was, maybe because I was a young girl going thru puberty or what but I couldn't resist visiting her behind my fathers back and even after her tell my dad that she didnt want to see us.
Eventually my dad found out when I was 18 that I had been visiting her behind his back for 5 years and it broke his heart, we had a huge argument and packed all of my stuff and moved in with my mother. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I gave up college and a good career for her because she needed money all the time so I just took little jobs here and there to help her, And why should I, she never helped me my whole life.
Last year i moved back with my dad and my lifes been great.

My mother says its her biggest mistake leaving me and my brother, he still hasnt spoke to her in year and never will.

If you are thinking about doin this, seriously think about what will happen to your children, I was lucky as I had a great father and if it came down to it and both parents were in a burning house and I could only save one, i diffentaly would not save my mother...\

Answer 2

I am not divorced myself, but my cousin gave up custody of her little girl for two years and it worked out beautifully.
Her ex moved to another city that had a great school and she decided that her education was MORE important than her being with her. She had regular visitation and attended ALL school events as well as extra-curricular activities. There was no damage done to the child emotionally, she thrived in this setting.

I really do not think that it matters if the mother has custody or not, as long as the child is where the best care is..........and sometimes, it is NOT with the mother. After all, we are humans too, with human traits.

You have to think of the children, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You do what is best in YOUR situation, NOT to please anyone else.

Answer 3

I know you didn't ask me BUT... My ex-wife was about as faithless as they come and it ended our marriage when our kids were young. She was initially awarded custody by an incredibly gender biased system. I paid my support faithfully and visited whenever her tyranny allowed.

After one of her several subsequent husbands molested our daughter I sued for custody. There is nothing more expensive than regret. If I had been an emotionally stronger individual in the beginning, my kids would have lived with me and neither child would have suffered.

Today she neither supports nor visits the children (one of which has recently learned he isn't biologically mine). I have to compel the kids to take her calls. Both have said that in when they are 18 (in 25 and 40 months respectively) they will choose not to have a relationship with her of any kind.

Who can look into the heart of another and discern true motivation? I would encourage you to remember that this isn't about you. It isn't about your ex. This is all about those kids and what is int THEIR best interest. Neither your finances, nor your feelings enter into the equation. If the kids are not best served by staying with you, get a joint custody order, be satisfied with your parenting time and for goodness sake pay your court ordered support. That goes double for him.

Answer 4

I thought this would be an interesting question until I got to the part about your adult friends and their opinions of their fathers. Hopefully, in giving up your children (if you or someone else chose to do so) it wasn't out of an attempt to manipulate the chid's perceptions as that's far less loving than giving up custody with good reason.

To answer your question, I don't have children and refuse to ever do such a thing to myself or them.

Answer 5

I never have done that and never would. I do have a friend who did and from what I hear she regrets it now and wishes she had kept them instead. She is a very self centered person and was only thinking of herself and now that she is done with the party scene she wants to be a momma again. Well I guess she'll have to get over it because those kids need an unselfish individual to raise them and that's their dad. Oh well her loss.