Once a cheat..always a cheat..why the stereotype?

Question

I do not understand everyone saying this. Yes after some web exploration statistics show that people who go out get drunk, have one night stands or something along those lines...yes it usually happens more than once or twice, they have a very high rate of reoccurence. BUT, through working with my therapist I have learned that a spouse in a marriage of 5 or more years that has an affair lasting several months or more, after discovery and/ or admission has a very low rate of reoccurence. Especially if the married couple recommit to one another and work things out. Actually couple who go through this and MAKE it tend to have a deeper more connected relationship afterward. It just irritates me to know end for people to put all cheaters in the one category. How about the other woman "Once a whore...always a whore? Thats ridiculous, when women like that find someone to love them truley they are usually very happy with that person. So I believe cheaters and 'other people' can all change.

And believe me the ones stating "leave the scum or move on" most of the time have not had to face the situation. Just my opinion based on some scientific studies. So whats your take?

in response to a couple of posts, no, I am the betrayed wife, and Ihve forgiven my husband and we have worked things out. I still have tough moments, hence my therapist...but we also go to counseling together, and he also goes seperately. TO TOSE WHO ANSWER>>>LET ME KNOW HO LONG YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED AND IF YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS IN YOUR MARRIAGE...JUST CURIOUS!!!

Answer 1

Once a cheat always a cheat...depends on the person. I don't care about stats, just the outcome. And all couples are not the same just like all marriages are not the same. So forget about the stats.

Answer 2

I think it depends on the person.

I was in a relationship when I was 22yrs old. I was with a person that used me, spent all my money and didn't respect me. I don't know why I put up with all the crap and I ended up cheating on him. I have never felt so awful in my life. I cried so much about what I had done and I ended the relationship. That was 8 years ago. I would never dream of cheating again as it made me feel sick to my stomach that I could have done that to someone.
I've been in a happy relationship for nearly 3 yrs now and I would NEVER cheat. I have way too many great things in my life that I wouldn't want to lose.

I think people can change and the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater' doesn't apply to everyone who has ever cheated.

Answer 3

What does your therapist say is the statistical amount of spouses that have more than one affair if the problems are not fixed?

It really comes down to why a person is cheating. If it is cause they think they can then they will continue doing so till they learn otherwise. If it cause there is something missing in the relationship then they will continue tilll that is fixed. However, the term once a cheater always a cheater simply implies that if they are able to do it once then the risk of repeating is just as great. I would not trust anyone who has cheated to remain faithful. If they cheated cause of problems in the relationship (lets say lack of sex) reoccurs after seeing counseling then I would bet money they wouls cheat again.

Answer 4

I think cheaters can change depending on thier motivation. It it based in selfishness but sometimes selfishness along with insecurity and neediness. Even if the person matures and is no longer as selfish they may have a needy personality that can still drive them to cheat. Both men and women suffer from this. If a woman is a "whore" and she cheats I would say most often it is because of an unfulfilled emotional need that has to be addressed with therapy. But if a wife in a marriage is unhappy she may cheat, not because she is a whore but out of plain ol selfishness because she is unhappy to feel fulfilled instead of working with her husband or leaving an abusive relationship. Once the problem in her relationship is fixed she will probably lose the desire to look outside her marriage.

Answer 5

I agree with you even though I haven't been through the situation myself. I think it's easier to 'leave the scum' when you're hurt than it is to do what your wife had done for you. I think it takes something that a lot of people don't have to stay with someone who's cheated. It's hard for many people to avoid becoming a doormat and situations like that can lead to just that type of status. Maybe it's just fear.

Considering how often "get a divorce" is given as advice here, I hope that no one takes this site too seriously. I think "get a divorce" advice is just an outlet for people with failed relationships and a sort of 'misery loves company' complex.

Answer 6

Once a cheater always a cheater.

I think people cheat because they are bored and they like variety. They have committment issues and want to feel free again. If someone is drunk enough not to be coeherent of his actions when he cheats, then I don't think he could be able physically to do anything.

Even if he/she promises never to do it again, I don't think the other person will ever trust him/her again. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is doomed.

I don't think a cheater can change.

Answer 7

I'll put ur scientific studies against "history" any day .. sorry, but "MOST" people that cheat have little to no respect for their partners, for their marriage vows.. etc.. and if that isnt there.. eventually they will cheat again may not be for years down the road but they will.. And im not saying that ALL cheat again, but most will.. and if u look deep into their past u will see that most of those that cheat have a history of cheating on bf's/gf's etc..

And its not a fact of thinking that not all cheaters can change.. its a fact of do u want to risk ur life, ur happiness on someone that has already broken u heart and soul once.. ?? Instead of trying to defend the cheater, why dont u try and see the person who has been cheated upons view point.. the trust is gone.. it will neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr be the same.. it may come close but the memory of someone cheating on u never disappears..and when that person does something along the same lines as they did during the time they were cheating.. ie..maybe comming home late from work.. that person is naturally going to wonder, if they were really at work or if they are cheating again..

Do u think someone pulled "once a cheat always a cheat " out of thin air..??? no.. its because through out history its been shown that 90% of the time its true..

Again im not saying someone cant learn from their mistakes, im just saying that with most that cheat its only a matter of time before they do it again..

ie.. my x husband.. he cheated on me.. and he's cheated on his new wife... not sure if he did on his 2nd wife, considereing he's on wife number 3..

As far as what ur therapist is telling u.. do u really think they'd take ur money and say.. "GIRL your man is going to cheat again" of course not, their going to tell u whatever it takes to help u to be confident in your situation.. Your choosing to stick by ur man, and thats a choice only u can make, and u have to live with the choice that u make, and i commend u for trying to work things out.. but dont be stupid and blind to the real world, i really think ur trying to wear rose colored glasses to get through this and if u do, he'll side swipe u again.. atleast be honest and real with urself , hope for the best, prepare for the worst..

And i hope he's one of the few that has learned from his mistakes.. and i hope that 25 years from now u realize it was worth going through all of this..
but the fact is.. most people that cheat will again.. very few actually learn from their mistake..
Ive known my share of people..and those that have cheated (friends, friends spouses etc) everyone of them that did it once, did it again.. later down the road.. One of which has been married for 18 years and has cheated on their spouse with 4 different people that i know of, and 2 of which the wife knows of and she's forgiven him both times but their marriage sux.. she has a hard time having sex with him.. she is depressed has gained alot of weight, and she spends money like its going out of style cause thats the only way she feels better.. I know another person that has cheated on her husband with 3 different people in their 12 yr marriage..

So i'll take real life expirences that ive seen over what a "paid" therapist and books tell me..
Seeing is always believing..

Answer 8

Trust has been broken. If it was a one time thing, only happened once, then I can agree with you. But if this person had sex over and over with this person, then they continue to taste the forbidden fruit and it is that much easier for them to do it again and they do. Any little "problem" in their relationship, they run into the arms of another. Oh and the comment about "couples who go through this and make it have a deeper more connected relationship" is bull. My friend wishes he had NEVER taken his wife back for cheating on him.

Answer 9

Sweets... Im the EXPERT on scientific studies when it comes to Psychology, not only am I majoring in it, but Im currently studying healthy psychology and abnormal behavior.

What you said... Is not true.

Even if a person recommits themselves to a relationship after admitting guilt- there is still a very high chance they will cheat again.

If your husband has ever cheated on anyone ever before in his whole lifetime, then that means that cheating is in his personality, like the way he laughs at stupid jokes, or how he stays silent when love making... Its a trait.

If he has this trait, then he likes the way it feels WHEN the cheating is occuring, and he will do it again and again.

Answer 10

The married COUPLE recommit? She didn't cheat, Mr. poker Ace, YOU did! You make it sound like your infidelity is partly her fault!
I've been with the same woman for 23 years; in that time, NOT ONCE have I cheated on her! Why? Because I take my vows seriously; and more importantly, because my cheating would hurt her!
You ever consider that while you were banging the other woman?
Or was it all just seeking pleasure - to hell with her?
Grow up and take a real look at yourself; you are self involved; non committal; and not willing to admit the truth.
SHE doesn't need to work on anything; the problem is ALL YOU!