Can I have some advice on my new marriage, please?

Question

Married for six months, my husband and I have reached our first hurdle:I have always prided myself on being a fiercely independent person but, since marrying, I crave my husband's company and am losing interest in all other areas of my life.
When we're at home,I can't stop touching him. He told me on Sunday that this makes him feel stifled(surprise, surprise)and I think it's the reason he's recently lost interest in me sexually (he also suffers from occasional erectile dysfunction).
I've been trying to give him the space he needs and haven't kissed or cuddled him since he said all this (partly to protect my own dignity) but I feel so lost and I keep crying (not in front of him).
What's worse is that I'm beginning to question our decision to marry:I left my dream life (a great job in a tropical country) to return to Enlgand so we could be together and I'm wondering if I've made a horrible mistake. I'm losing my sense of self and driving him away. I love him so much.What can I do?

Answer 1

Small course corrections!!!

Can you imagine the pilot of a plane going through turbulence and thinking, "We should have never left the ground, I should have never taken this job, I should have never became a pilot!"? It's not throw the whole relationship out the window, but rather how can we combine our lives together and still keep our relationship alive.

Marriage is like two rivers joining together, both with their independent banks, varying rates of flow and depths, etc. If you ever look where two rivers join together you'll usually find rapids! Walk down stream a mile or so and you'll see that the rivers have adjusted to themselves and now share the same banks, the same rate of flow and depth, etc.

You two are right in the rapids and you both need to get a grip. These are adjustments every married couple have to make, not killer consequences.

My suggestion is to write your feelings and concerns in a letter to him. Something that wholly expresses you love and commitment, you fear and anxieties, and your thankfulness for his life. Can you imagine competing with your dream life past? Let him know that there is no place in the world that you would rather be than by his side!

Secondly, attack this thing together for the sake of your marriage and your love. Your plate may seem full of remorse and fear, but maybe you need to look from a different angle. I know it's a an old adage, but start by counting your blessing both individually and corporately.

Finally, in some cultures the married couple goes away for a whole year to enjoy their honeymoon together. In our western world we get a week or so and then back to the grind. It's no wonder that our bonding time is lacking and just sex won't fulfill the need. Place your independent person pride, your dignity, on the altar of marriage and learn to flow together. You should see the rapids that come when a child is added to the river!!! Peace!

Answer 2

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Dl94N

Answer 3

Since its a new place for you I am assuming you don't have a lot of friends & activities to do ?? develop a new hobby , join a gym make new friends etc . Essentially Keep yourself busy so you aren't completely at home with an empty mind & expect your husband to entertain you . This will definitely give him some space . Try to have a life on your own life .
Enjoy each other's companionship as friends also not only as lovers . There is so much more you can do . Instead of being at home go out together & explore new restaurants, pubs etc

Answer 4

First things first!!!! Never assume you know how your husband is feeling!!! You will never know. Secondly you need some happy pills to boost your mood (anti depressants from your doctor). Then you need to get busy with activities you enjoy that does not involve your husband. Sitting around and waiting for him is going to depress you even more! Find out if he's under a lot of stress and that you there for him no matter what, be supportive and don't put too much pressure on him for anything. When men feel they under too much pressure they crack (they withdraw physically and emotionally) Get pills for his erectile dysfunction there is no shame in it!!! Find out what he likes sexually, what you must wear, stuff like that and tell him what you like. It will keep the sex interesting and most enjoyable. Hope this helps and good luck

Answer 5

Keep giving him space and let him make the moves on or towards you for a while... He also needs to see a doctor about his erection problems.... If you feel really lost then you need counseling for you and maybe even for your marriage.... Dont ever question for marrying... You are married now so make the best of it and work on the marriage. Also talk with him and tell him how you are feeling and you also need to listen to what he has to say and how he feels too! Maybe you should take up a hobby like scrapbooking or something. This will help you not be so as we put it needy. You may also need to see a medical doctor for what you are feeling too.

Answer 6

You've made a big change and you have nothing to replace the things you left behind except him.

That's a big burden on him....and you sound a bit depressed.

I suggest you make a really big effort to find out somethings you really enjoy doing and do them by yourself.

Such as going to museums, taking a class at the local college, joining a book club at the library, etc.

If this doesn't work before you toss in the towel and declare you marriage a failure go for some personal counseling.

Answer 7

Talk to him, ask him why he feels stifled. Maybe if you get to the root of the problem, you'll feel better. Sometimes, in a marriage, you have to swallow your pride a little. If you two love each other that much, it will work and it's just a bump in the road. My husband and I have been married since April, but have been together for 4 years. We have had many, many differences, but we are still deeply in love...just give it time. I wish you the best. Have strength and faith in yourself.(and him)

Answer 8

Marriage is a huge adjustment at the best of times. Most men need their own personal space more than we do. You need to find something else to think about 24/7. Find something outside the marriage to take some of the pressure off. He feel in love with a " fiercely independent woman" and he finds himself married to a clingy thing. Find that woman again it is very important that you do.

Answer 9

First and foremost you need to completely understand that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Its not something you should ever run away from, no matter how inconvenient.

I would suggest that you try to find the reason he has lost interest in you. Is he into internet porn or masturbating alot? This is a very common reason men lose interest.

I would also suggest you see a marriage counselor. They can often get to the root of the problem.

Answer 10

I know how you feel. I have been married for under a year. The thing is you need to sit down with him or call him each time you feel sad. Tell him you love him and don't want to begin your marriage this way. Listen to him and tell him he can feel free to address his fears. Together youhave to keep talking...the day you stop is the day you have given up on the marriage. Develop good habits early on...even try a counselor if it seems unbearable. But tell him counseling is not because your against him...it's because you don't want to lose your love.