last year i found out my wife and best freiind texted each other for 5 months behind my back, and was obviously angry but was able to get through it because i love my wife, hate my mate though! i always suspected there was more and on saturday it came out they had slept together and they admitted to having an affair. i love my wife and don't want to lose her, and i know i'll work it out, i just want o know from people who have been in this ituation how you stop horrible images (i'm sure you know what i mean) coming into your head.
2007-01-16 21:01:18 · 44 answers · asked by ali k 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Find one of her friends that is younger, thinner, and has a passive aggressive streak.
Get her friend to go out and drink heavily.
Get her friend to do carnal things with you that your wife would never do. Back door action, whatever. Take some photos or video if you like.
Tell her about it or don't - but either way you won't be angry about her and your mate any more.
2007-01-16 21:31:48 · answer #1 · answered by scuba_man 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I've been in your situation and i know how the images make you feel. Believe it or not these will go away. It's a long road to get yourself past the hurt and anger. If one knows the person whom the spouse cheated with it makes the images more vivid because you are familiar with each of the people. Every time the images would surface i'd replace the image with something positive. There are things that remind you of the situation that gets you thinking about it (for me it was making my morning cup of tea/coffee). You have to push those thoughts out of your head when they surface. I understand you love your wife but ask yourself if you believe that your wife really loves you. People say once a cheater always a cheater. I beleive this to be true. Be well aware if your wife cheated she is more likely to cheat again given the right circumstances. The most important thing is that you don't beat yourself up over the poor choice your wife made.
2007-01-16 22:16:28 · answer #2 · answered by denise b 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My friend I commend you for staying with your wife and being a forgiving husband. It is a big man to endure this. There is no time limit on getting past what happened. There is no way to just switch it off in your mind. It's as bad as seeing a bad accident or a dead body---you see it for a long time...that is only natural. To be a bigger man and really forgive everyone, arrange to talk to your wife and have a sane conversation about what has happened and how it affected you. See if you can get a promise to both start over and make the relationship strong again...and talk things over if it begins to waver at a future time. Your mate is also involved and you should calmly talk to him about how it hurt you that he did what he did. Do not look for an excuse or even an apology---just let him hear you speak about what you feel. Do not yell or threaten or gesture or anything like that...you just want to clear your mind and get started over again. Not many men marry a virgin and that doesn't seem to have a lasting effect on the marriage----so start over and get past it in a peaceful way. Do this and I'll bet you are able to clear your mind of the thoughts and still keep your wife and friend. Personally I would like to wish you all the best at settling this and please try to remain calm and human about it. You have done very very well so far. PEACE
2007-01-16 21:28:02 · answer #3 · answered by fire_inur_eyes 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your wife having an affair is difficult at the best of times but with your best friend - that is the ultimate betrayal!
Unfortunately these images will come into your head on a regular basis for quite a while but don't let the anger and jealousy eat away at you or it will ruin any future you and your wife have because you will become bitter and twisted.
Avoid throwing the affair in her face every time you argue too.
Good luck you're a stronger person than me - I could never forgive someone for an affair.
2007-01-20 20:09:55 · answer #4 · answered by Poppy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you place the value you have of yourself in being with your wife?
You obviously have not got over it. It felt wrong, it was wrong and still is wrong and you are still reeling from how wrong it was. You're only human. If your wife cared about your relationship, she would not have let things go that far (she had the power). Any man can fancy her all they like but its how she allows the attraction to develop that is the true test.
On the other hand, what was going on in your relationship when she and your "mate" slept together? Are you sure you're being fair by being angry at your mate? How are you so sure its stopped? If she' done it once, she can do it twice.
2007-01-16 21:18:11 · answer #5 · answered by The Cat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry that this happened to you. Although I have not been through this exact thing, I did have something similar that caused great pain. When I was dating my husband (before we got married) we broke up for a few weeks and in that few week period, he slept with another woman. When I found this out, I thought I was going to die! We decided to get back together and eventually married. I would say these thoughts and images crept into my mind DAILY for at least 2-3 years after the fact but they have slowly but surely dissipated and I very rarely ever think of it anymore. I think only time will heal your wounds. The further you get away from the incident (time wise), the better you will feel. I know it must hurt so deeply but I promise it will get better! Good luck and God bless you!
2007-01-16 21:12:27 · answer #6 · answered by bkhoneycutt 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
your a brave man, it's good that you love her enough to try and work it out, but at the same time you can not just pour all your hate towards your mate, she was also part of this action and if anything there is more of a betrayl there. If you are still having images maybe you need to go see a professional in this area. If it was the sat just gone that is understandable. In your gut you knew there was something going on which probably makes it hard as well, you may also have unresolved issues with your wife because of the betrayl and lack of trust if you are going to work it out you may need to go to counselling together. This way you can both talk in a controlled environment and feel comfortable enough to discuss it with each other openly
2007-01-16 21:08:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you got rid of your wife you love .That would not help You would have even more worst thoughts in your head .You have got to learn to trust her, has long has she is still living with you.try to fill the void. That is missing that caused her to go with your mate.She is still there for you.in body and soul You fight for to keep her.There is only one person that can stop the images in your head is you.Your wife deep down did not enjoy it with your EX mate like you.Sex is not so important to a woman like it is a man .The romance part the talking.Telling her sometimes how much you need her.And really love her its has simple has that. Take some where that holds fond memories for both of you. Before you were married just the 2 of you .Try to forget the images whats done is done I hope this helps you a little Faint heart never won fair lady best of luck go for it
2007-01-17 09:06:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't. It fades over time but never stops entirely.
I was told to sleep with someone else to help take the images away, so I could think of me with someone else during the bad times, but it doesn't work. I carefully selected my first 1 night stand, that didn't help so I kept doing it over a period of about 6 months. That was a couple of years ago now and I will never do it again, but it didn't take the images of my husband with his extramarital affairs away.
The result was it left me feeling cheap and desperate and this became just another thing for me to hate my husband about beacause as I saw it, he drove me to it.
Try to understand why it happened, a cliche, I know. But during periods when you are feeling strong it does help. It also helps with any future relationships you may or may not have. Just learning.
Time is the answer, you will never get over it entirely. It has changed you and your relationship with your wife forever.
It may be that it gets to much in the end. At the moment things are highly charged and emotional and your desire is to make the relationship with your wife work. Over time this changes and maybe indirectly as a result of what has happened you give up your desire and drift away from wanting to reconcile with her. The hurt is so massive and so ongoing it may be that in time you will give up the fight and rest with the solution that the only way you can rid yourself of this emotional weight is without her.
You will find your own way. Nobody can tell you how, it is a totally personal thing. It is comforting though to know that it happens to the majority of married couples. Good luck.
2007-01-16 23:14:30 · answer #9 · answered by pinklady 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that you need to deal with some things in your heart. If you believe that you love your wife and that you KNOW that you will get over it, then you should ask yourself why you keep having those images and thoughts. It's probably because you know she is NOT trustworthy. Your attitude allows her to treat you this way. If you stand up for yourself whether you love her or not you will begin to get those images out your mind because you will be strong enough to let her live her life without having the right to cheat on you and hurt you the way she makes a lifestyle of it. It appears to be obvious that she doesn't love you enough to stop hurting you and neither does your "best friend". You should find out what true love really is. Love doesn't purposely hurt or want it's own way. Love is respectful and thinks of others needs. Your wife and best friend are not doing that. It appears that you don't even love or respect yourself. It appears that you are so dependant upon her that you are not even concerned with being happy in what little time here on earth you have. I hope you start to realize what I'm saying is so very true. You deserve to be loved, respected and happy, dude.
2007-01-16 21:53:24 · answer #10 · answered by MeHurdu 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
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2016-02-10 16:28:50 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋