I am engaged to a wonderful woman - I am a 32 yo male and she a 33 yo female. Dating about 3.5 years, not living together. We are both financially secure and don't fight often and have what I consider a respectful relationship - no cheating, etc.
We are planning a wedding this summer, and she wants to be pregnant later this year or early next year. We have fought about timetable for children quite a bit in the last year and I am having severe cold feet. We have traveled quite a bit the last few years (Hawaii, Jamaica, Alaska Etc.) and I love the adventure and excitement that comes with our lifestyle of being able to pursue adventures together. I am worried children will end all of that and drive a wedge in our relationship rather than bring us closer as a family. I am not sure if one is ever ready for kids, but I enjoy my time with my fiance and am not sure the pressures of children wouldn't end our relationship. She won't compromise on her timetable and I have a career change in 2 years. I think 38 is the time, I would be ready for children, but she says 39 is too old. I feel like if I give in, my dreams are dying and sooner or later I will have tremendous regret and I will resent the kids, but if she gives in and has problems with pregnancy, she will blame me. Is it better to break up and allow her to find someone who wants children now so she can be happy. or am I just going through normal jitters. I have no problem with marriage, but I wan't our relationship to be like it is for a few more years so we can still live more of our dreams instead of giving them up for children. I would hate to be 60 years old with terrible regrets on giving up on dreams because I didn't wan't to lose a woman who had differing goals from me. Please help!
2007-01-16 18:48:19 · 17 answers · asked by extreme360 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Unless you both agree 100% on the aprox, timetable for kids then don't get married. You probably should marry her, I like her (I get the feeling she's a good one). I think the struggle for you is really between being selfless or selfish. You need to weigh out what is more important, #1 your own desires to travel and be free or #2 your desires to give of yourself (time & efforts) to you wife and children. To be married is the first step in giving of yourself children is the next step. Remember selfish people end up with just that "themselves". Welcome to marriage and parenthood: it's a sacrafice that yealds a priceless life of overall happiness.
2007-01-16 19:01:20 · answer #1 · answered by Justin 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You would hate to be 60 and have regrets but how would you like to be 60 and still have a child in college? I do believe that couples should be married a couple of years before bringing another life into the relationship but I also know that pregnancy gets riskier the older a woman gets. Also, one never knows how long it will take to get pregnant. I think it is unfair of both of you that you cannot reach a compromise. You have been together for 3.5 years and this problem is just surfacing now? You have had many wonderful experiences and understand you want to do more traveling but you do need to make a decision. I just wonder how much you really love her if you are willing to give her up for a plane ticket. Also, just because you have a child does not mean the end of your life. That's what grandparents, siblings, good friends, etc. are for. Go ahead and plan one great trip a year, enjoy your wife and your baby(s). Put your feet in warm water...they won't be cold anymore.
2007-01-16 19:26:06 · answer #2 · answered by Santa's Elf 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds familiar, except I'm a woman. I am not ready for kids either but my fiance doesn't want to wait long. I had the same idea about kids putting a huge wrench in things and they do a bit but my sister has a 4 year old and her lifestyle hasn't changed much. We are all very active outdoors type people and my nephew goes where we go, camping, fishing, snowboarding, road trips, even some more mellow concerts. He has been with us through many adventures and its really not very difficult. Yes we take a few more precautions and plan a little better but he has not stopped my sisters life or the lives of our family. It really depends on the parents ideas of where children should be included and where they shouldn't.
Career changes, locations changes, changes in general are going to happen throughout life, kids or not. If you want to be a parent then you will adjust, so will the family.
If you are positive that you will not be happy with children on her time line and the two of you can't compromise then it's not likely to work out for you.
When you decide to share your life with someone, you better make sure you both want the same life.
2007-01-16 19:42:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you are in a relationship finances are always a problem, a hardship, and the best thing you can do is strive for independent stability. Try to talk to him about slowing down and regaining some of your independence before moving any further into this relationship. If he really cares for you he will understand this. I know it may feel as though you are being dishonest but you are not lying just because you aren't telling him you're going to leave him once you get on your feet. You need to be honest with yourself and admit that you have no way of actually knowing that. Once you are more stable you may appreciate the things you fell for him over quite a bit more than you do right now. As for your kids, they will grow up seeing that you tried to provide a family unit for them but in the end will realize that they always have been and always will be your life, nothing can be more important than that. You don't deserve to be bashed for trying to be happy and we all do things that we wish we could take back or do differently. Also if your family is disappointed in you for trying to follow your heart and lead a fulfilling life then you need to distance yourself from them as best as you can because that is not the type of support system you need. Every one makes mistakes, don't hate yourself for being human.
2016-05-23 23:23:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
While it is hard for anyone else to tell you about your own situation it sounds like you do love her. But if you can not negotiate on when to have kids so that you are both happy how is it oging to go with schools, names, circumcision etc. Either you agree to wait on the kids, push the marriage back a few years that way she can get pregnant not long after you get married or let her find someone who is ready to fulfil her desire right now. Jitters are normal but you need to be able to compromise on things if you want the marriage to last
2007-01-16 21:39:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are just having cold feet. It is natural.
Dont give up this wonderful relationship that you have. You are blessed.
You must also take this relationship further. Get married and have children. You will never know what children can do to you. They are the most preciuos gift that one can asked for. The time you spend seeing them grow up is such a beautiful experience that nothing measures to that feeling.
You are both at the age that you must plan for the future now. Do not plan later as when you have a child, you are old and when the child grows up you will be very very old.
Good Luck
2007-01-16 19:03:49 · answer #6 · answered by sonisunny 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Try living together for a bit. That changes everything. I think you need to be open and honest to her and instead of asking for answers here, talk to her and tell her how you feel. You really sound like you dont love her at all. You need to say something now while you have the chance. If you do not, it will be you who screws up the relationship. You have the chance to do something about it now
2007-01-16 19:40:34 · answer #7 · answered by I hate stupid ppl like you 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think Melanie did a good job of putting things into perspective. Also, my sister in law is in her mid 30's with 3 kids from 1yr - 5yr and wishes she'd started earlier - like mid 20's - but she wanted to travel around first.
But anyway, I think until you realize that marriage is all about living for your spouse and kids, not the other way around, you will always struggle with this and won't permit yourself to be truly happy in marriage....
2007-01-16 19:32:41 · answer #8 · answered by mntrek 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love her just go with how she feel about having kids. not every woman is able to have a baby at age 38 or 39 then how would you feel if you made her wait is long then she cant have any at all. Stop thinking just about yourself and be a good husband life is going by.
2007-01-16 18:58:02 · answer #9 · answered by ashlee s 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Kids turn your life upside down. They are great when they get about 7 or 8. Then you realize all yo have done for the past 7 years of your life is change diapers, wipe butts, and buy them every god damn thing you didn't have as a kid. So they bleed your wallet dry also. You wife will focus all her attention to the baby, the toddler, the kindergartener. Then she will have the balls to say "you don't talk to me anymore." Where has our marraige gone? and you will simply reply, WTF and go drown yourself in your beer in the garage. Have a happy life.
2007-01-16 18:55:18 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋