abortion???

Question

My 16 1/2 yr old daughter wants to go with her best friend who is 18 + to help emotionaly support her with her abortion. I dont feel that she should go with her to the clinic for the actual procedure. I've told her if she would like that after her appointment her friend could come here to rest for the night so she could support her afterwards. My main concern is that she not be apart of the actul choice. her friend comes from a very strict family and she has chosen not to inform her parents because she knows they will not support her choice. I just dont want my daughter to be apart of what could be something very upsetting to this girls family if they do find out. What are your thoughts????

Answer 1

I agree with you this is something this girl should do on her own.

Answer 2

i don't think she will end up being a part of it just because she wants to be "supportive" of her friend. but you never know, because you did say her friends family is strict. If they find out your daughter was with her during the procedure, they may contact your daughter & maybe you, then possibly might get upset & start something. I'm not sure. You gave your daughter a good choice & as a 16 year old daughter, she should still listen to you & respect your wishes since you only want what's best for her & want to keep her out of trouble. She's too young to even notice that, especially since she's focusing on being supportive of her friend. I think you are doing the right thing. You are a very caring mom & also a great mom. It's nice to see parents looking after their kids =)

Answer 3

Maybe you're right about telling your daughter to stay out of it. Her friend is 18 and has decided to have the abortion. Maybe it would be better if it gets done without the involvement of anyone else.

I wouldn't really worry about whether the parents got angry at your daughter, and I don't even think they would. She didn't do the getting pregnant or the getting the abortion. What I would worry about, though, is if the other girl needs support in order to go through with the abortion; and whether she would, in fact, go through it without the support and companionship of her friend. There is at least the chance that this girl (who is apparently not strong and independent enough not to get pregnant in the first place) is someone who is easily influenced; and for that reason I may think your daughter should stay clear of the whole business until its over (just so a few months from now if the girl regrets her decision there is no "I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't gone with me").

I know it seems cruel to say a young woman should go through this alone; but the other side of that is when you get into grown-up messes you have to deal with them like a grown-up.

Note: When I was 21 or so my friend (same age) decided to get an abortion once her boyfriend made it clear he didn't want any babies. He went with with her for the procedure, and when they returned from it they came by to see if I would go out to dinner with them. My friend wanted to be with me. I went to dinner, and there was a cloud over us all. It was a sobering and confusing thing for me, as I heard about how "it was nothing" and how "it was the best thing right now". Maybe - especially because she's just 16 - your daughter would be better off staying away from the clinic. I can't describe that lonely feeling I had properly, and I can't describe properly my concern for what my friend really was feeling (underneath the talk); but it was, to say the least, a "heavy" situation.

Answer 4

First of all, if your daughter's best friend decided to get an abortion on her own, that was her doing, not your daughters. So, neither you nor your daughter should worry about who's to blame if the parents find out.

Secondly, I am going to tell you this: I had to be there for not one but two abortions. Not mine, but two of my closest friends. I was not proud of their decision, because I am against abortion. But, they were my friends, and I would not leave them alone in what I knew was also a very tough time in their lives. If she is the best friend, there is no one else that will be of greater support than your daughter. And, if it makes you feel any easier about it, the clinic attendants never let me in the actual proceedure room. So, your daughter will not witness it.

I am pretty sure that your daughter has tried to advice her best friend on different courses of action, but in the end, it's all on the future mother. And, if the father is not taking responsibility and the parents will most likely hate that girl forever, then this may just be the only way she finds out of it. It may not be easy for that girl at all, and she will become emotionally unraveled. It is for your daughter to be there to help her get through this. If your daughter's best friend didn't have her for moral support, believe me, she would go insane.

Besides everything I have told you here, chances are that the girl's parents will never find out, unless some of the parties involved tell on her. Usually, parents find out about these things because the daughters are too scared or too ashamed to continue to hide such a great secret.

I do hope, under the circumstances, that if the best friend decides to go through with it, she gets through just fine, without complications. Little do these girls who get abortions know that getting one may as well be close to the same pain that you feel when you give birth...

Answer 5

I think your daughter is being very brave and generous by being such a friend. You know your daughter better than I, so you alone would know the effects she would experience from witnessing it. Perhaps if she went to the clinic but stayed in the waiting room until the procedure was over? Have you asked your daughter how SHE feels about her friend's choice? As far as the other girl's parents are concerned, do you really think they'd be mad at your daughter? It sounds like they'd be too busy being mad at THEIR daughter. I'd worry less about them and focus more on your daughter. She's making a very mature decision.

Answer 6

Let her go. She is not making the decision for this young lady, she is supporting HER decision. This is a tough decision for anyone to make and they need all the support they can have. Its a shame that she cannot rely on her family to be there for her. I think your daughter sounds very mature for her age. The family may be upset at first but in the long run they should be grateful that someone cared enough about there daughter to "hold her hand" through this difficult time.

Answer 7

I think you should be proud of your daughter for wanting to support her friend through this difficult time. The stress and guilt of having an abortion AND having to hide it from the family is probably taking a huge toll on her friend, and she recognizes it. What is the difference being going to the actual procedure and "hiding" her friend for the night so she can begin the healing process? You both become accessories. And no matter who does what, the parents of the friend will be upset.

I say let your daughter go. Let her be there for her friend. Maybe this will be a learning experience for your daughter.

Answer 8

I think you're a really good mom to have these concerns and it's a testimony to your relationship with your daughter that she would be upfront about all of this with you.

Would you consider going with both of them? Regardless of any opinions on abortion you have, you seem like the best person to be with these girls. I don't think they would let your daughter in the room while the procedure is being done, so you could be with her in the waiting room, then you both could bring her to your house. She needs an adult female there, even if she can't/won't tell her own mother.

Answer 9

I believe in 'Scare Straight' discipline. I would allow my child to go witness the 18 year old have an abortion. It will hopefully scare your 16 1/2 year old daughter straight, not that she is having sex, but it will reinforce in her the power or the consequences to the decisions that we all make. The 18 year old, though grown, needs support and we all know how it is to need someone to talk to, to feel like someone cares. I would play the safe mother and allow the 18 year old to recuperate at my home until she was well enough to return to her own. Hope this helps.

Answer 10

I think that if your daughter wants to be supportive her friend she should go. The friend is over 18 that makes her an adult and old enough to make her own decisions about HER life regardlless of how upset her family will be. I think your daughter is a wonderful friend to want to be there for her, you should be very proud and let her go.

Answer 11

Your daughter wants to support her friend which is not the same as supporting abortion. If your daughters friend can get no support from her family she needs her friends even more.
In my mind, by refusing to give support she would more actively be trying to interfere with her friends decision. Sure she should share her opinion about abortion if she has one but then accept her friends choice and support her anyway.