Could you please review this poem?

Question

Could you please review this poem? All sugestions are welcome!
Also, I need a title...

Heartbreak, sitting on an elbow
perched on a sill which
looking at the park
she sees the

Wind gusts tugging at the braids of
children smiling as
they crawl across the
church yard

One hears songs that set the tone to
countless praying when the
hopeless finally see the
light that streams through

Stained glass looks upon the park that
filled with children whom
watched by woman that
looking out window
she sees all

Thank you for all the comments!
Yeah this one has a very unique rhythm to it. I can read it out loud, but I don't know how it reads to people who have never heard it from me.
I figured this one was pretty much crap, but now its confirmed crap! Its okay though! I need outside opinions! So thank you all ver much!

Answer 1

This one feels a little disconnected to me. I get the watching from afar thing but this one is a little too distant for me. I'm sure it speaks to someone but you want your words and imagery to speak to the many, rather than the few. The timing in this one bothered me a bit too but that's a personal preference. I just had a little trouble with feeling in this one. I liked The Chestnut Tree better. As for a title how about "Heartbreak" or "She sees all"?

Answer 2

"Musing of an rear window"

Some what flat in tone. The words are there, but you have no emotional influences to grab the reader and make them feel what is really going on. This comes across like an erotic love poem written by a isolated adolescent. Know your subject. And if you do know it- make us feel it to. Otherwise why would I read it or remember it?

Answer 3

Hope found in unlikely places