I work every 3rd nite. On those nites my wife takes our kids to her parents to sleep there. Is this normal?

Question

I am a firefighter and work a 24 hour shift every 3rd day which is about 10 days a month. My 32 year old wife takes our 2 kids (5 year old daughter and 6 month old boy) to her parents (10 mins away) where they stay the night every time I'm not home. Is this normal? My wife is more than capable of handling the kids at our own house. I told her that this was embarrassing and it will confuse the kids as to where their real home is. I mean 10 nights a month is 1/3 of the time! Am I right?

Answer 1

Okay, the first thing I'd do is confirm that she spends the nights there along with the kids.

If not, theres a problem. If she does, then whatever.

Answer 2

First - realize that you are not alone. Every child is an individual, and as such requires individualized care. Some infants are happiest with a set routine - ex - they eat, poop, nap, etc at the same times each day. SOme babies sleep 8 to 10 hours a night. Other infants do not. Whatevre you do, do not take advice from well meaning people who tell you to let a child "cry it out." Infants are not capable of remembering that you even exist when they can not see you! WHat these people refer to is the "Ferber" method of sleep training. Realize that infants need to learn that they can trust their caregivers - this is the psychological stage known as trust vs mistrust. Children whose caregivers respond proptly and appropriately actually cry less and sleep better! If you want books, try DR Sear or "the no cry sleep solution." I understand your exhaustion. My child did not "sleep through the night" until 14 months old. Also, realize that sleeping for a 5 hour stretch may be all your little one needs. (despite what mama and daddy need!) Some things that helped me - I made sure my baby had plenty of exercise during the day. We established a predictable bedtime routine - each night, we watch a video, then a bath, then we read a story together, then offto sleep. My baby will not go down without me at bedside, but now sleeps from 930pm to 6 am, and only gets up in the night when ill. Most children sleep better if they have had a good nap.Think also about any new developmental milestones she may be encountering. Is she learning to walk? to speak? Has your home routine changed? Change in seasons? Consider how you would feel if every day was like the first day of work or school - so much to learn, how to deal with all of it? It is very similar for your little one. I wish you the best - and until your sweetie makes it through the night, consider having a grandparent stay over at least one night a month so you and your spouse can stay somewhere else and actually get a full nights sleep!

Answer 3

There are a number of concerns here.

First, is your wife there, as well? If so, then the concern is not her fidelity.

Second, perhaps your wife is overwhelmed caring for the kids and just needs a break. When you are home, she has your help and can cope, but when you are not, perhaps things seem more difficult to her, and her parents help her out. Although you assume she is "more than capable," perhaps she has not shared her stress with you.

Third, the kids KNOW whose home is whose. Don't worry about confusion.

Fourth, perhaps your wife is very close to her parents, and wants to spend time with them. When you are home, she is devoted to the kids and to you; when you are not home, there may be a void, and she fills it by spending time with her parents - a good thing for her and for the kids.

Sit down with her, open your mind, and ask her, nonjudgmentally, to share with you how she feels and what she thinks about you being away from home 1/3 of the time. What she says may surprise you, and it will explain why she takes the kids to her parents.

Ask, don't tell - relax. She has her reasons, and you should encourage her to share them with you. Even though you may not agree with her choice, you need to support her - she's your wife, and she's the one who has to take care of the kids when you're not home.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Perhaps she's scared you won't come home one day, and she wants the support of her folks if that day ever comes. You're in a risky business. I'm not sure I could handle my husband being a fire fighter for that reason alone. It's also hard to be alone at night. I used to live alone, but that doesn't mean that I liked it. I worked night shift just so that I would sleep during the day and not be home at night. Have you asked her about why she does it and voiced your concerns about her spending so much time there?

Answer 5

Maybe she's afraid to stay there without you. My husband is in the military and when I was pregnant with my youngest sometimes I'd get so freaked out about me and my son being at our apt without him that I'd load him up and drive 150 miles to stay at my mom and dad's. (I think my issue was more hormonal than anything since I'm not like that anymore and hadn't been before that) Maybe you should just ask her what the problem is. Maybe you guys should get an alarm or a dog or something that makes her feel more secure there without you. I really don't think it'll confuse your kids about where their house is.
As far as it being normal...well I know quite a few women that do this...some have kids and some don't. The majority do it out of feeling scared to be alone and out of being lonely. Don't stress about it since in reality it isn't affecting you.

Answer 6

Is it because the kids enjoy going to the grandparents, and maybe she chooses the days you are working because this way you are not missing out on them? That is a lot also is she staying with them? Maybe that is her chance to get some peace, we have 2 kids and I would have loved a chance every once in awhile to just have some quiet time, so I could shop of something without anyone bothering me, of course that has NEVER happened but would have been nice. Maybe you need to ask is it OK with the Grandparents to watch them so much so they do not feel they are being taken advantage of? sorry to ask so many questions but there are alot of options. Good Luck in your search.............Talk to your wife though because no one can give you better advice than what you two decide amongst yourselves.

Answer 7

I have two children. I do the same thing when my husband is not home. It's not that I can't handle the children, it is that I feel safe there. I don't think I should have to be home by myself. What's wrong with wanting a little security when your husband is gone. As long as the parents aren't taking over your marriage then let it be. I wish people would stop saying that she is cheating. She just doesn't want to be alone.

Answer 8

I think its quite normal, providing that her parents house is not too far away and the kids are comfortable.

I hate to be home alone without by significant other either. And she probably feels that she and the children will be safe at her parents place while you are away. What matters is that she is home with you, when you are home and that you guys are together as a family.

Answer 9

Why don't you talk to her?

Maybe she's just uncomfortable and nervous being alone at NIGHT and would rather have her folks around.

My father worked nights for years. I know my mother was heckva nervous being alone with two tiny kids every night. He'd call on his "lunch" and half the time we kids would already be asleep.

Do you live in an iffy so-so area? Does she watch horror flicks or read Steven King? If so, tell her to knock it off.

Answer 10

She could very well just not feel comfortable to sleeping in your house alone with two toddlers.

I have worked nights for years and my wife has told me the same thing.

I think that this behavior would be normal. Now if her parents lived quite a distance away..that might be a different story.

My thought is...no worries it sounds like nothing to be concerned about.

Answer 11

Try looking at this in a different way. She must feel very secure and protected with her big strong man at home and when you are not maybe she is afraid. I know that I had a hard time with that sort of thing too, I did however stay home but I never slept well. Talk to her.