coming out?

Question

my ex-bf is threatening to tell everyone including my parents that I am a lesbian because I broke up with him because I can't pretend to like him anymore and I'm not ready to come out yet but I know he will do it so I have no idea what to do now and I know that they will all accept it but I am just so ashamed of who I am and I feel gross about it. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

Answer 1

If you ARE really a lesbian, you're going to have to face the facts sometime. You should start by telling your parents that you really are bisexual, and tell that your ex is threatening you. I'm sure your parents could call your ex's parents. (I'm sure they know his home phone number, right?) They could talk to his parents and your ex and convince him not to say anything (don't threaten him back.) I'm sure your ex, if he really cared for you before or wants to be your friend, will understand or turn over a new leaf, and won't tell.

I'm sorry if I give bad advice. :-(

Answer 2

#1 He's a jag off. He should be ashamed, he is gross.
#2 You've got to get your head around this . . . there is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not gross. You are beautiful with an ever expanding awareness of yourself. No one can fault you for that. You need to get in touch with people who can help bolster and nurture your confidence. And as soon as possible.
#3 I know it isn't easy coming out least of all when it is not your choice. But maybe because you are able to prepare, in a manner of speaking, to be outed you can turn the tables on him.
You must begin to steel your resolve. Even if you have to fake it act as though you don't care. Maybe you weren't going to bring it up so soon but you are not going to deny it because you have nothing to be ashamed of.
#4 Out him for his true motivations of what he will do. If he does it in a public place or at a public function just turn to your parents and say we will talk about this at home. Then turn to him and say, "Well, if anyone had any question as to why I broke up with you they have their answer now. You are a small sad person both figuratively and literally and I am so glad to have put you in my past and out of my future. Even though your words were an attempt to hurt me and my family know that you have utterly failed. In my eyes and those of my family you are a non-entity. My eyes look in that direction yet I see nothing. You do not exist."

You could also make a preemptive strike by telling your family yourself.
This would be the most effective course of action.
You will be empowering yourself and this will allow your family to tell him at the moment what a hateful as* he is, how ugly this action is and how they have lost all respect and affection for him. They can tell him not to call your home bother them again.
This is a big moment in your life.
You can either take control, go on the offensive and become stronger for it or sit around worrying and waiting for the other shoe to drop by letting him have control and then feel like you have to defend your very state of being.
You can do this.
Showing intestinal fortitude now will save you a great deal of stress along the way.
Good luck kid.
you can contact me through email if you want.

Answer 3

Wow, what a jerk he is! You should talk with him and ask why he's so bent on doing that, and if that doesn't work go to your school counselor for advice (maybe they can talk some sense into him). If all else fails, even though it would really hurt, out yourself before he can out you. Don't worry about being ashamed and grossed out... it took me a long time to come to terms with my sexuality too, but with the help of understanding friends and loving myself for who I am, I'm now proud to be gay! I hope that he doesn't tell... if he does, he doesn't respect you and I bet that people he tells either won't believe him or will tell him to shut up because it's not his business, it's yours. If your school or city has a GSA, it would probably help you to go to a meeting or two. Good luck.

Answer 4

Firstly, try to have a discussion with your parents about what happened with your boyfriend and explain that he might be really angry at the moment because of the loss of power and percieved rejection of his man hood.
Secondly, your coming out should never ever be forced and you should decide for yourself when you are ready to come out.
Often people need to seek out support groups and one in particular that has a lot of information and resources for people who are coming out is PFLAG. This group has a whole mine of resources and some leaflets and information that can be downloaded from their site.
Thirdly, it is no one else's business about your sexual orientation. It is more important that you love yourself and feel empowered than to seek any one else's affirmation on your person. Which means basically do not come out if you feel that you will be attacked and vilified by people who do not have the support and information themselves about the coming out process.

It is YOUR CHOICE when to come out and often people wait until they know for certain that their psychological, emotional and physical welbeing is strong enough to cope with the reactions of family memebers.

The most important thing is that you feel safe in your environment, so if that means not coming out, then it is better to be safe than come out in an explosive atmosphere. Also, if you can through the PFLAG site, find a counsellor or a counselling service that can support you while you decide whether you want to come out or not.

As I said before, it is more important that you feel safe and feel empowered than any other aspect. So if that means CHOOSING not to come out, then you have every right to do so.

And thing is, if you do not feel like you want to answer to the crowd of "pointing fingers" simply state that what you do or not do is your OWN BUSINESS and no one has the RIGHT to impeed on your wellbeing and personal security. Talk to your parents if you can about feeling threatened by your ex partner and seek their support for the period where he will be angry and want to seek revenge for the percieved blow to his power over you.
Try to seperate the difference between what he has taken as a personal attack on his manhood and being labelled something that you are not ready to be labelled. Also, you have the right to not come out and to choose when you want to come out. Which boils down to self-empowerment and feeling good about yourself, whatever sexual orientation you decide apon.

Answer 5

let him be a big baby.
You could out him first, tell his friends that you broke up with him because he made you watch gay porno when you were making out. Turn the tables. DESTROY HIM!!!!!

no seriously..........
Baby, I AM GAY, and there is nothing to be ashamed of, so STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!! 15% of the world's population is gay so you have LOTS AND LOTS of family out here!!! Be proud and stand tall, and if your friends cant deal with it, they arent your friends. Friends dont come with conditions, they love you regardless.

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such thoughts. Here is a GREAT article on coming out:
http://gaylife.about.com/od/comingout/a/rejection.htm
read it, live it, and be proud of it!!!

Answer 6

I felt the same way and honestly what you think is gonna happen is always way worse then what actually happens. There is nothing wrong with being gay it is simply apart of human sexuality and it doesnt neccasiarly 'define' who you are have fun and be yourself dont be ashamed of your sexuality.

Answer 7

Don't worry about it. Who are your parents going to believe? You, or an ex boyfriend who will say anything because you broke up with him?

Answer 8

if you feel gross about it then your probably not a lesbian your just confused.You have to accept yourself first for who you are.If he's going to tell on you then why not just come out and say it before.If your still ashamed after they accept you then get some help cause your not really a lesbian.

Answer 9

there is nothing to be ashamed of regarding your sexuality, but if you are not ready to come out to your family and he "outs" you when you break up with him...

just make it look like he is psycho and wants everyone make you look like the "bad girl" for breaking up with him...

then when you are ready to break the news to the fam... tell them.

Answer 10

tell everyone that you broke up with him because HE'S gay...that ought to keep him and his ego real busy for weeks....